DILLIGAF and Other Things
It's been a while since my last post. Actually, it's been quite a while, and I feel it's time to update my story.
The last six months haven't been easy. There have been many complicating factors that have made my life uncertain and, at times, incredibly complicated. Having to accommodate other people and meet their expectations is absolutely exhausting, particularly when I don't feel I have much choice in the matter.
Funnily enough, though, some of these problems keep coming back to the same underlying issues. Understanding why they happen has become an important part of my journey.
Understanding Isn't as Simple as We Think
Understanding something requires knowledge, but knowledge alone isn't always enough. Our biases can get in the way of seeing a situation for what it really is.
Our brains are constantly processing information, looking for familiar patterns and placing things into mental boxes. When we encounter something we recognize, we tend to understand it more easily. When we encounter something unfamiliar, our brains try to rationalize it by comparing it with the closest thing we already understand.
The trouble is that our interpretation isn't necessarily the truth. Sometimes, it's a distorted version of reality that makes sense to us simply because it fits what we already believe.
There are many reasons why people do this, but one of the most common is fear.
We fear things we don't understand. We fear things that seem unusual or unfamiliar. And sometimes, rather than admitting that we don't understand something, we make assumptions to fill in the gaps. We create explanations that fit our existing worldview because doing so makes us feel safer.
That might sound like a lot of philosophical nonsense, but it really isn't. It's about understanding how we function as human beings and why we sometimes behave the way we do.
In some ways, I have an advantage over many people. In other ways, I certainly don't.
My advantage comes from gaining a deep insight into myself. I've had many of the same problems as everyone else, along with a few extra challenges thrown into the mix.
Over the years, I've spent a great deal of time working through my experiences, examining my behaviour and confronting the pain I've endured, experienced and sometimes created myself. Some of that work has been extremely intensive, as intense as it gets here in New Zealand, while other periods have been less so.
It's been a long journey, but it has taught me a great deal.
I look back at my life and see it as a kaleidoscope. Every time you turn a kaleidoscope, the pieces rearrange themselves into a different pattern. You see something new, even though the individual pieces are still there.
That's how I sometimes see myself. Different people have seen different facets of me, but they've often only seen the facets I was prepared to show them.
That might sound deceptive, and perhaps it was in some respects. But I had my reasons. The world wasn't always a safe place for me to be myself, and society certainly wasn't ready to accept many transgender people.
One of the benefits of all the work I've done on myself is that I can often understand things about human behaviour that other people might not appreciate. I've spent so much time examining my own experiences that I've developed a deeper awareness of how people think, how they react and how their assumptions influence their behaviour.
That doesn't mean I understand everything or that I'm always right. It simply means I've learned a few things along the way.
And yet, despite all that learning, some of the same issues keep coming around.
Lies, Gossip and the Stories People Tell Themselves
Earlier this year, somebody lied about me, and it caused considerable upheaval in my life. It was a deeply unpleasant experience.
What's particularly disturbing is how easily a lie can be believed. One lie can become several, and before long, people can be repeating things about you that simply aren't true.
This brings me to another problem: gossip.
Gossip can quickly become a game of Chinese whispers. A story gets passed from one person to another, with each person adding their own interpretation. Details change, assumptions become facts, and before long, the original story may bear little resemblance to what actually happened.
When information is missing, people seem to have an extraordinary ability to fill in the gaps themselves.
Unfortunately, they don't always fill those gaps with the truth.
Instead, they fill them with whatever makes sense to them.
It's a bit like looking at my name. People sometimes see it and think it looks familiar, assuming it's pronounced like Georgina. But it isn't. My name doesn't contain an R, and it's pronounced differently.
Even when I point this out, it can take people a moment to adjust. Their brains have already recognised a familiar pattern and filled in what they expected to see. Changing it from that point is harder.
It's a small example of a much bigger problem: sometimes, people trust their interpretation of what they're seeing more than the information they're actually being given.
And that can have serious consequences.
I'm not what everyone expects me to be. I don't necessarily look the way people expect, move the way they expect, talk the way they expect or sit quietly when they expect me to.
I'm not as easily intimidated as some might assume, either.
The more time you spend with me, the more you'll realise that I'm probably not a lot of the things you initially expected me to be.
But you have to spend that time with me.
If you want to understand me properly, you need to let me into the conversation, listen to my story and give me the opportunity to fill in the gaps rather than filling them in yourself.
That's how genuine understanding develops.
What I find particularly frustrating is that people who insist they aren't gossips, who claim they aren't judgemental and who consider themselves perfectly reasonable can sometimes be the first to spread a story without checking whether it's true.
They can judge someone without knowing them and reject them simply because they think that person is abnormal.
It's disappointing, but it happens.
So, to the group of ladies I may encounter again, and you know who you are, I want you to know that I'll be coming over to talk to you. This will probably make you feel very uncomfortable, and that is tough.
See how you have been gossiping, how you have tried to socially isolate me, is actually a form of social abuse, yeah, actual abuse. And I am not going to be your victim. Not sure if what you have done to me you would like done to you, but then you may know no better. It is immature besides abusive.
My message is simple, try the lyrics of this song - https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=xPfZWDH-cS8
And what you don't know is how I have suffered this form of abuse most of my life, from the first days of school because I spoke like a native Glaswegian, to being a tall poppy repeatedly cut down for daring to be smarter than everybody in school. I have survived in places that would have broken you.
And to the man who blatantly lied about me: the matter is being investigated, and I'm not letting it go. Nobody working for the government should have unchecked power.
I'm not going to be anybody's victim, not even my own.
I've worked too damn hard for that. I've struggled, I've shed tears, and I've been through a hell that most people will never understand. I destroyed myself, and from the ashes I have rebuilt myself a new life that is authentic, genuine, and I am continuing to grow a better life. I am a fiercely loyal friend and ally.
I have no intention of allowing somebody else's lies to undo all the work I've done to get here.
Respect, Kindness and Boundaries
I believe in treating people well.
You have my respect, not necessarily because you've earned it, but because you're another human being. I don't know your circumstances, your experiences or the reasons behind your beliefs and biases.
I don't need to know everything about you to treat you with basic respect.
What I do hope is that you'll extend the same courtesy to me.
I'll offer kindness wherever I can. I'll give people an opportunity to get to know me and make up their own minds based on their actual experiences with me.
But kindness doesn't mean accepting mistreatment.
If somebody chooses to behave badly towards me, I may simply mirror that behaviour so they can experience for themselves how it feels. Sometimes, people need to see the effect of their actions before they understand what they're doing.
I'm not perfect. I'm still growing, learning and working on myself.
But I know how far I've come, and I'm not prepared to let other people's prejudices define me.
Discovering Who I Am
Being myself hasn't been an instant transformation. It hasn't been a microwave-cup recipe where you add water, wait a minute and suddenly everything is ready.
It's been considerably more complicated than that!
When I transitioned, I began to realise that many things I'd previously taken for granted weren't necessarily part of who I was. Everything from the food I liked to the colours I preferred, the things I wanted to do, what I wanted to read and what I enjoyed watching was open to reconsideration.
Some of those preferences belonged to a life I had lived before. Others were simply things I'd never questioned.
I had to work out which parts of my life genuinely represented me and which parts I'd adopted along the way.
That process is still happening.
And recently, something rather unexpected has happened: I've discovered a whole new world of music.
A New Soundtrack to My Life
Anyone who knows me might be surprised to learn that my musical tastes have been changing.
For years, I thought I was pretty much settled in my musical comfort zone: the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s, a bit of the 1990s, and very little from after 2000.
It was a broad comfort zone, but it was still a comfort zone.
Eventually, I decided it might be time to try something different.
It started when music by female artists began appearing in my Facebook feed. Around the time of the #MeToo and #IAmJaneDoe movement, the internet was full of music expressing feminist anger, frustration and defiance.
So I started listening.
And then I started liking what I heard.
There was some genuinely excellent music out there, much of it created by independent artists and small bands rather than major record labels. Many were female musicians who had put their hearts and souls into creating music and were trying to get themselves noticed.
Well, they got my attention!
I now have a whole new playlist, and I listen to it daily. It keeps growing, with new discoveries and fresh music regularly finding their way into it.
It's revitalised my enjoyment of music and helped me develop something that feels uniquely my own.
My playlist, called Femme, is full of female rage, dark country and, I think, even a bit of goth country. There are all sorts of labels for the music, and some of it ventures into genres I never thought I'd enjoy. There's metal, for example, including orchestral metal with Viking chanting!
Who would have thought it?
My old playlists have barely been touched for about a month, and I don't miss them.
That's not because the old music has suddenly become bad. It's because I've found something new that represents me in a different way. It is mine because I chose it, not a legacy of conformity, parents, and fitting in.
And that feels pretty good.
It's another reminder that we don't have to remain trapped in the things we've always known. We can explore, experiment and discover interests that we never knew we had.
Sometimes, all it takes is being willing to listen.
Some of my new music:-
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF0tMEDw9YNA
My Book: Slowly but Surely
Another project that's making good progress is my book.
I've finally got a scanner, and I'm beginning the process of scanning my existing work so I can edit it and turn it into text that I can work with more easily.
It's not a fast process, but then it never has been.
My story is a living project. It's something that continues to grow, develop and gain maturity as I do. It is me finding a way to understand how I got here and enable other people to understand the journey.
Looking back at earlier writing gives me the opportunity to reflect on how much I've changed and how my understanding of my own experiences has developed.
There's still a great deal of work ahead, but my goal is to release the book next year.
I'm looking forward to getting it out into the world.
Living with Chronic Pain
Unfortunately, not everything has been moving in the right direction.
Over the last four or five months, my fibromyalgia has been getting steadily worse again. During the past two months in particular, it's really knocked me flat.
If you see me out and about, you may notice that I'm back to using my walking stick.
I hate having to use it, especially because it's the same brown walking stick I used in my previous life. I'd much rather have a pink one. I've even thought about painting this one pink!
For now, though, it's a practical necessity.
My health has meant that there are days when I can manage only one thing. Activities that require concentration, physical effort or sustained energy have become difficult, and I've had to put some of my interests on hold.
I haven't been able to do much of my art or my building and construction projects. Sometimes, I simply don't have the energy or focus required to get started.
Chronic pain grinds you down every day, it is by definition never ending.
It affects more than your body. It affects your energy, your concentration, your plans and your ability to participate in everyday life.
I have two friends who also live with chronic pain, and I really appreciate their support. I hope they know how much I appreciate being able to support them, too.
There's a particular challenge in living with an invisible disability.
We live in an ableist world, and people whose disabilities aren't immediately apparent can be judged unfairly. If you don't look disabled, some people assume you aren't struggling.
They don't see the pain, the exhaustion or the effort it takes just to get through an ordinary day.
I'm the oldest of the three of us, although not by much compared with one of my friends. I certainly don't consider myself old just yet!
Nevertheless, there are days when my body makes me feel as though I'm decades older than I actually am. My friends have their own experiences of this, and I know they understand what it's like.
We all have to deal with the same frustrations: not being able to do everything we want, not always being able to explain what we're experiencing, and sometimes being misunderstood by people who have no idea what we're going through.
It's exhausting.
And sometimes, you simply cannot please everyone.
You can only do your best to look after yourself.
Perhaps that can make me seem selfish or standoffish at times, but there's a reason for it.
I don't want my pain to control my interactions with other people. I don't want to reach the point where I'm having a bad day physically and end up having a bad interaction with somebody because I'm struggling.
So I manage my pain and my energy as best I can. When you interact with me, I want you to get the best version of me that I can manage that day.
Enough of the sad stories about pain, though!
I've started finding small ways to get back to some of my interests.
Sometimes, it's just half an hour working on a building project. Something that might once have taken a day can now take weeks or even months.
But that's okay.
I'm learning to work at my own pace, to accept that progress doesn't always look the way I expect it to, and to appreciate the little things I can accomplish.
I am not going to be defeated by chronic pain. Not now, not ever.
I may have to change how I do things, how long they take and what I can reasonably expect of myself, but I'm not giving up on the things that bring me joy.
A Little Something About My Hair
On a lighter note, the seasons are changing, and my hair seems to be heading back towards strawberry blonde, with the occasional grey hair making an appearance.
It's funny, really. I grew up as a bright redhead with a natural wave to my hair, so I suppose some of those characteristics are still hanging around.
The colour seems to change with the seasons, too. By the depths of winter, it can look considerably greyer, while at other times it takes on a more reddish-blonde appearance.
Go figure!
I've been considering a few hair accessories, shall we call them? You might know them as wigs or hairpieces.
It's something I'm looking into because it would be nice to feel a little more complete in that area.
I'd quite like to try a wig, actually. I've never had one, and I'd like to see how it feels.
For a transgender woman who can't afford all the things she'd ideally like to help her look and feel more like herself, cheaper alternatives can be worth exploring.
It's not simply about vanity.
It's about finding ways to feel more comfortable in your own skin and expressing the person you know yourself to be.
Sometimes, the little things can make a surprisingly big difference.
And if a wig helps me feel a little more like the woman I want to see when I look in the mirror, then why shouldn't I give it a go?
And maybe for Xmas holidays I shall get my nails done for the first time.
DILLIGAF? Yes, Actually!
So, let's get back to DILLIGAF.
What does it mean?
In simple terms, it's an irreverent way of asking, "Do I look like I give a fuck?"
And the Journey Continues
If there's one thing I've learned through all of this, it's that life doesn't stop changing just because we think we know who we are. There is always something new to discover, something new to learn, and another part of ourselves waiting to be explored.
I'm not the person I was ten years ago, five years ago, or even a year ago. And I hope I'm not the same person five years from now, either. I want to keep growing, keep learning and keep finding the things that bring me joy.
I can't control what other people think of me, what they say about me, or the assumptions they make. I can only control how I choose to live my life and how I treat the people I encounter along the way.
I'll make mistakes. I'll have bad days. My health will sometimes get in the way, and there will undoubtedly be more challenges to face. That's life, and I'm learning to accept that not everything has to happen on my schedule.
But I'm still here. I'm still writing my story, still discovering new music, still working towards finishing my book, and still finding little ways to enjoy the things that make life worthwhile.
Most importantly, I'm doing it as myself.
For a long time, so much of my life was about trying to fit into a world that didn't always have a place for me. These days, I'd rather spend my energy making a place for myself in that world.
I don't need everybody to understand me. I don't need everybody to like me. And I certainly don't need anybody's permission to be who I am.
What I do need is to keep being honest with myself, to hold on to my integrity, and to remember that kindness is a strength, not a weakness.
So, to those who take the time to get to know me, thank you. To those who stand beside me when things get difficult, I appreciate you more than you might realise. And to those who have already made up their minds about me without bothering to learn my story, well, that's your choice.
I'll be over here getting on with my life.
I've come too far, fought too hard and learned too much to turn back now.
I'm not finished. I'm not standing still. And I'm certainly not going to let other people's expectations decide what comes next.
This is my life, my journey and my story. I'm still writing it, and the next chapter belongs to me.
And if that bothers anyone?
Well, you already know the answer.
DILLIGAF!
Because, at the end of the day, being me brings me joy.
And that's something I'm not prepared to give up.
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