Everlong

I wasn't quite sure how I was going to start this entry for my blog. I had many ideas some were quite dark and maybe even a little obscure. So I have decided to keep it kind of straightforward although maybe it's for the best that it's this way. 

 I travelled to Auckland for a lesbian Christmas party on a boat, and I had gone to some effort to go and look my best. I wasn't expecting a whole lot I have learned by Lisa on that so many times and yet apparently even my low bar of expectations way too high. It's been quite a 24-hours all stop so if this comes over a little bit disappointed it's just me trying to peace time and feelings together. I had got my hair tuned bright bright pink it was intense it was awesome. I had also got two dresses to choose from and in the end I decided I actually needed both. It wasn't being greedy it's just the practicality of The Chosen dress was not the dress I wish to wear through downtown Auckland. It was an eye catching traffic stopping sort of dress. 

I had a friend to stay with who lived less than a kilometer from the boat and so with complete abandonment and childlike wonder I hired a lime scooter from their place and burned through the city at speed. This tall woman in a long dress with bright pink hair blowing behind caught the attention of many and they seemed happy to see her joy. 

 

But now I'm going to jump ahead because somehow it seems to be right for telling the story. To the alternative beginning I was planning. 

It's dark, and a boat at sea with about 170 other people cruises Auckland harbor. There is a party going on. Almost everyone is a woman of some type, there are about 4 male crew who are out of sight. 

Two women are at the lower starboard stern rail, looking into the wake that disappears into the inky darkness of the sea. One woman has pink hair, she is alone. The other woman is being cuddled from behind by her partner. There are many people all around, some of them dancing and singing, others yelling conversations through the loud music. 

The pink haired lady knows that the other woman is not having the same thoughts as her. Because the woman with pink hair is trying to decide if she should jump overboard and into the darkness. And wherever she goes around the boat the waters are calling her. Its a battle for her to resist, but she has a promise to keep, to herself. 

Uncomfortable with the crowd around her from which she feels no connection, all she wants it's a quiet space to try and gather up what little she can gather of herself. Eventually a space in the cabin behind the bar is her safe haven. It's away from people. It's away from the water. It's away from the voices calling. 

She had been crying for the last hour and nobody had noticed. Nobody. Nobody had spoken to her either, well except that arrogant bitch blocking the ladder who wouldn't make way and got upset when the 184cm, 98kg body barged through like a falling landslide. And now she sat alone, quietly trying to just gather herself as the boat came towards dock. 

The crying stopped.

She needed to put her other dress on before disembarking, so moved forward and found the VIP cabin where the organizers sat quietly talking, along with a very beautiful dancer. The pink haired woman had missed the performance which she had really wanted to see, but had to escape from the area at the time. 

The dancer could tell something wasn't right, she had chatted with the pink haired lady on the dock before the voyage. Before everything fell apart.

And there was no holding it together now. Tears flowed quick, the brittle walls of her façade crumbled.   Broken, tearful, a total mess, the total breakdown. A very long hug by the dancer helped her pull herself together. And this is where I came to talk about what it happened that night for me for the pink haired woman.

In the words of the Bee Gees, this is where I came in. 

I disembarked from the boat the same way I got on and the same way I had spent most of the evening, by myself. The scooters were no longer available between 10-12, so I had to walk home home to a friend's place through the bustling and vibrant city streets of the Auckland Waterfront and downtown area. 

I was the only woman walking by themselves. My radar was active looking for problems keeping to well lit and populated areas, and yet it all passed in a beautiful blur. 

I recounted my evening to my friend and I wanted to write this blog, which I am glad I didn't now because I have had time to reflect on it. This morning came, and a walkabout trip around downtown Auckland, through the various market stalls that were set up around the central area. There was some amazing food which I did partake in. And we walked through the viaduct area which I had not been in since maybe 30 years ago. We even had a beer which was actually only five dollars for a bottle the cheapest beer I've had out and a very long time. It really was a special day far removed from the previous night.

And eventually it was time for me to say goodbye and travel back back to my real home where am still trying to grow some roots. 

This is where I came to doing some thinking on that trip home, with a playlist blasting through my headphones on this beautiful day. Singing along sometimes to play us that just seemed to guide my mind through everything that it happened. 

Joan Armatrading started the journey with Drop the Pilot, followed by REM blasting What's The Frequency Kenneth? 

I never understood the frequency, uh-oh...

And I hadn't. I had not connected with the vibe last night, I couldn't find a way of creating connections.

Pour some sugar on me babe...

And yes there was lots of sugar around, none for me. BTW I have chatted with the bands singer and drummer.

And then Journey took me down the rabbit hole of another life in Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)

If we can't go on, survive the times, love divides

Some day love will find you, break those chains that bind you, One night will remind you, How we touched and went our separate ways

Yeah, this was tough. Some love from distant past, of somebody else's life, still lurking in the shadows, totally unresolved emotionally. Still raw.

Blondie helped next, Dreaming me through some serious traffic congestion, which was like my mind at that moment, serious emotions, feelings, thoughts...

I sit by and watch the river flow, I sit by and watch the traffic go

Imagine something of your very own, Something you can have and hold

I'd build a road in gold, Just to have some dreaming

And then came the Power Station with Get It On, and I was able to lose myself for a moment. Melancholy is hard work.

 

 

Hey little sister, who is it you're with? (Ooh, ooh, ooh), Hey little sister, what's your vice or wish? (Ooh, ooh, ooh), Hey little sister, shotgun oh yeah, Hey little sister, who's your superman? , Hey little sister, shotgun

It's a nice day to start again, It's a nice day for a white wedding, It's a nice day to start again, ow!

And Billy Idol had me thinking. Who am I with? What is my wish? Who is my heroes?

And he was also right, it was a beautiful day to reboot.

I could feel the sun starting to burn exposed arm and shoulder now. 

You're perfect, yes, it's true, But without me you're only you (you're only you)

Your menstruating heart, It ain't bleedin' enough for two

Nothing like Faith No More with Midlife Crisis to jam to as the traffic backs up, multiple multi car crashes. This was me as well, trying to sift through thoughts and feeling, experiences and love, and none of it mine. There are times I want a memory eraser.

I skipped a few songs until David Bowie with China Girl.

I'm a mess without my little China girl, Wake up in the morning, where's my little China Girl?

I hear her hearts beating loud as thunder, Saw these stars crashing down

And where is she now?

David continued with the Hollywood Vampires...

I, I can remember (I remember), Standing, by the wall (by the wall)

And the guns shot above our heads (over our heads), And we kissed, as though nothing could fall (nothing could fall)

And the shame was on the other side, Oh we can beat them, for ever and ever

Then we could be heroes, just for one day

I never had the courage then, I was never a hero, not even for me, until the day I died so somebody else could live, somebody who would be a hero.

She's so mean but I don't care, I love her eyes and her wild, wild hair

Dance to the beat that we like best, Heading for the nineties

Living in the wild, wild west

The wild, wild west

The wild, wild west

Yeow, wild west

And there she was, back into my mind. Actually both of them, she's not minds. God does music connect my life together, across 2 lives and many years. It is sometimes the safest way to approach the past, often with tears.

And then...

That we don't even care as restless as we are, We feel the pull in the land of a thousand guilts, And poured cement

Lamented and assured, To the lights and towns below, Faster than the speed of sound, Faster than we thought we'd go, Beneath the sound of hope

1979 and the Smashing Pumpkins. I poured cement over all that guilt and shame, the old me, the life before me. And time slipped by so quick, wasted living the wrong life, and yet I was trying to protect that woman within, even if I screwed up the world in doing so.

Spinning on that dizzy edge, I kissed her face and kissed her head, And dreamed of all the different ways I had to make her glow

"Why are you so far away", she said, Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you, That I'm in love with you?

You, soft and only, You, lost and lonely, You, strange as angels, Dancing in the deepest oceans, Twisting in the water

You're just like a dream

You're just like a dream

Then the batter ball of my brain tried dealing with another love of an old life via The Cure and Just like Heaven. Because I was a dream. I was never real. I hope I am now because the dream has got very twisted otherwise. I am real, thats why all this hurts. And maybe I am talking to myself, trying to tell that ghost I love you. And there he had been in the water last night.

So, why should I care, If somebody let you down?

Mmm, that's nothing new, I know just what that can mean

Well, the way that they talk, The talk is all over town

And it's no surprise, Little girls hurt sometimes

Hey, little girl

Where will you hide?

Who can you run to now?

Hey, little girl

Where will you go?

Who can you turn to now?

Little girl me, I am only 8yo, technically. Thanks Ice House for reminding me of all those fears, the damaging chatter of these last couple of years. Who do I turn to now? Where do I hide? I have had so many let downs, and now I mostly hide at home, where the back stabbing chatter finds it harder to get me. Its not the life I want.

Breathe out, So I can breathe you in, Hold you in, And now, I know you've always been

Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder when I sing along with you

If everything could ever feel this real forever

If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you

You gotta promise not to stop when I say when

She sang

Yeah that promise, gotta keep it. Gotta give me a chance. A chance to find a better life, a bit like the last screwed up one only real.

And I pulled into the drive, scrabbling for the toilet inside. Singing made me thirsty, and I had drunk a lot as I drove.

So where does all this leave me? Not sure really. What has really changed? Just another negative experience to try and put behind me. And learning over again that life is hard. That I have two lives and reconciling the two is not easy. I either have to build bigger walls around me, or just accept that this will keep happening, and its not getting easier.

And most of all, keep that promise, I owe that to myself above all.