A Deep Tomo, or Uncomfortably Numb
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?
Not sure if anyone is home. I mean, I am always at home, just not here, or there, or anywhere really.
I hear you're feeling down
Well, I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again
Am I ? Really? I mean. I am just in a bit of a funk. You know, doing my own thing. Yeah, I am sleeping in until midday, and awake half the night, thats normal, well, normal me. Nobody depends on me, nobody in my life, so why does it matter?
Relax
I'll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Where it hurts? It doesn't hurt. I have grown used to it, Nah, it doesn't hurt. There is a hole in my heart, just nothing there. You know, nothing that matters. Nothing important. Yeah, I am over it, won't cause me any pain again. I cut it out, the hole in my heart. You know when something hurts you cut it out. Simple. Over. Done.
Okay
Just a little pinprick
There'll be no more AAAAaah
The meds are fine, I don't need anything. Don't need anyone. I mean the cat is great. Yeah, the cat and I are... , you know what it's like with a good cat, well.... , mostly good.
Other people? What other people? There is nobody outside this house. It's just me and the cat. We don't want anybody else. I build her things, you know, like a kinda catio thing like, you know. And treats, I give her treats. And like, you know, she sometimes sleeps on my bed and gets all cute an stuff. She loves me because of treats, and thats okay.
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on, it's time to go
Yeah. Go. Maybe I need to go. Go some place better. Some place where nobody knows me. Not here. Not anywhere. Yeah, someplace without anyone, without anything from this world. Cut the few strings and, like, a fresh start. No, I am not running away! I'm, you know, ... , like just want to cutaway all the old things and people. You know, the people who leave you with holes in your heart. No more.
Well this ones going to get me in trouble. What's new about that. Not supposed to talk about the stuff that upsets me, especially if it involves other people. And yet who do I talk to? The cat? The cat is not even mine.
It has been that time of year, you know, the time of year when I regularly get hurt. I should be used to it by now. I'm not. I never am. I would say its like a kick in the balls every year, except, well, they went last year. The tidy up operation early December '25 went well and no doom and gloom problems like one anesthetist was predicting. I got my diabetes sorted for the op.
And then there was that lesbian Xmas party cruise. What a fucking disaster. Combined with getting booted from that community as well.
And then came Xmas, and well lets not go there because thats going to not just upset others but me to. Being told that my choice to be trans is causing my problems really got to me. You think some people understand you, you think you are accepted. But know, that was a kick I never saw coming.
And recently I got booted from another lesbian womens group for questioning several people need to shit post sexual stuff constantly. That and drawing their attention to the fact that I was not treated as an equal. What did I expect, same people from the Xmas cruise. And they lied.
Can't stand liars.
Can't stand BS.
Or unnecessary drama. Or ignorance, or stupid people, or transphobes, or fucking most people.
And I can hear the voices now.
"Geo, don't you see what all your problems have you as the common factor."
Yeah. I hear you. Now move along stupid people. I know its not all me because neutral people have been involved and tell me that actually that was a shitty thing those people did. My part is taking all the blame, having a negative reaction, and living in hope when I should know better and not be involved.
Not involved, yeah, that happens lots. I mean every year my family get together and holiday. Think I fell off the family tree. Nobody responded to my out reach online. Nobody texts, calls, emails, says "Hi" or sees me. Just not there. No holiday or trips. I am the family lepper long forgotten.
And it hurts. Every time, every year.
I have nobody in my life except a flatmate and their cat.
Friends? I got two, not here, not anywhere close. One I really want to visit, right now costs are to much and income is spent paying off people when I can, because I make good on debts. Local friends never call, and nobody visits despite invites. Sick of chasing up people who can't communicate even to say bye.
I am thinking of going to a rainbow meetup coffee morning this Sunday which is mere hours away. Its a crazy idea, lots of problem people there, lots talking behind my back, lots talking shit.
And there is the big pride celebration day in Auckland soon. Always wanted to go. Not sure about that, not by myself. Not with all the bigoted people paying lip service.
If I talk with people there they won't talk elsewhere to me. Its lip service really. There is no real connection. I don't really exist in the community anymore. I am just a voice that echoes into an online world, battling stupid ignorant bigots and transphobes, mostly overseas. There are alot of them.
And I can here other voices telling me I haven't got problems like the people who have been flooded out or lost family.
Funny that. Not lost family. Not in a flood on stilts by myself.
Yeah. Nah.
No I don't have real problems like them. I choose not to live in flood prone areas or under a hill. People have the choice, and they made it without figuring that there was always potential danger, and they rebuild in the same place with the same houses. Whats that thing about nothing changing if nothing changes?
So now I sound like a cold hearted bitch.
I don't care.
So now I sound all smarty pants and smug.
Don't care.
Well being a bit arrogant.
Don't care.
See thats the thing, I do fucking care, I am just powerless and unheard. It matters not to this world what I think, or say, because there is nobody in my life. So if you may be feeling hurt think why. If I am no longer chasing you think why?
And this is going to hurt people, well, not many, my life is pretty small after all. And the problem people will see this and think "haha bitch." Those people I really don't care.
My ability to be vulnerable like this is me being the real me. You know, a person with hopes and dreams and shit. And I hurt like everybody else, and most of the time nobody knows or cares.
Except a cat who wants some more treats.
And maybe I will sleep in my bed again one day. I haven't for the last 6 weeks, can't see why I will change that internal red flag.
So if you don't see me places, you probably never saw me anyway.
So excuse me, I have art to make that nobody wants.
And a cat wanting some scratches and a treat.
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