When Being A Woman Is Not enough

The reality is I am not a cis woman, which is kinda duh. Being a TW (trans woman) lesbian is rather hard. Lesbian women say we are allies and friends, they just don't want us romantically, and when it boils down to it, socially. Mostly.

The fundamental problem is that they really don't see us as women. Women adjacent, sorta. Some have hearts and empathy, most don't.

They have not even met you, heck, not even seen your photo. It  doesn't matter because you ain't cis. There is nothing like being told you are part of women-hood, just not a women.

They validate their behavior by saying its a preference, one for cis women because well, trans women aren't cis women, you know, real women. They haven't met me, seen me, they don't know me as a person. I am welcome in the same online world, just not really in real life because I am not a cis woman. Its more than a bias. The only way it could be harder is If I was black, because black trans women do have it harder that white trans women.

Rainbow women tell us we are part of the sisterhood, just not the same species. They do this without realizing, its the micro judgements, the inability to see beyond our origins. The deep seated discrimination dressed up as a preference which you can never be. I will never be their equal, I will always be a trans woman and not a woman.

The rejection burns, burns deep and hot, like white phosphorus burning through flesh. If you don't know what that might be like its worse than the worst acid. And I have scars like this all over my heart.

You might say its just rejection, right, I mean how bad can that be, plenty of fish in the sea right? You will find your people one day, your tribe who sees you as an equal.

And I say no, its worse. I might as well be a cow, its female, just not a woman.

If people want to know what being a trans woman lesbian is like its not fun. Its hard, really hard. And the place it feels hardest is the rainbow community. A community of allies who at the deepest point of their connection don't really see us as women, because we are not female. And lesbians want female, you know, women without extra bits. Actually they don't want to know if you have extra bits, its assumed.

In all my life I have been discriminated against for so many things. Speaking as a young Glaswegian at school, being white, being smarter than others, not being manly enough, being tall, being male, being to young, being to old, being multi talented, being a lesbian, being trans. Its crazy all the many times I have been judged, measured, and rejected. 

Everybody suffers some form of rejection, or runs into bias. I get that. But do you know what its like to be rejected as a human being. Because I also have that, and its a complication I don't even get to because of all the other issues I face. Being me isn't easy, never has been.

Because the world wanted one thing, and I couldn't be that. And yet I tried to be what the world wanted, and three times I blew that person up along with everybody close to me. I should have had warning labels on me, now I have to carry a dead man instead.

Now, as I live my most authentic life I find I am still not enough of a woman, and never will be. This is not my last rejection, well maybe it is. Because their comes a point when you have to stop and ask yourself if I am not enough now when will I ever be? At what point do I just quit because I am tired of banging my head on a brick wall? 

I am never going to be enough. Never have been for anybody except one person, and they are family. The rest of my extended family don't want me. Employers don't want me. Women don't want me (mostly). The only group that wants me is a bunch of pervy men I hate with a rage few could know.

I haven't given up on me, just my world. 

I was unsure if I want to go to a Lesbian Xmas Party when I am not womanly enough at a human level. Do I want to go hang out with people that reject me because I am not a cis woman? Do I want to spend the night dancing on my own? Do I want to spend my night watching others be what you can never be? Do I want to try and be part of conversations when people are checking for vibes, just not mine?

Hell yes. I am going to dance, alone most likely, and that has never bothered me. The music is all I need. I will be first on the dance floor and last to leave. I am not just taking up space I am holding a space open for other trans women.

I have been doing some art lately defending womanhood. Now I wonder why. Now I am thinking I might do something that expresses how I feel as a trans woman. How being a second class woman feels. Maybe through art I can communicate.

For now some words.

Words like preference.

Preference comes from prefer. Its saying that given a choice there is an order in which I will choose, sort of a popularity contest of the options. It says all the options are acceptable, some are more like favourite flavours of ice cream.

I like ice cream, and my favourite flavour of all time is French Vanilla, which may sound boring, yet its my favourite. I will eat any ice cream, won't turn it down.

However, when you use the word preference and use it to eliminate a trans woman as a romantic option you are practicing trans phobia not just discrimination. If that sounds harsh or hurts consider it from a trans perspective. 

From a trans perspective you are saying we are not women. It says you are more worried about what is between our legs, something the average trans person has issues with to. It says we are still men, and that really hurts. It tells us you don't care about the person, that you are not interested in us as people, fellow human beings. It tells us you are shallow.

Now I know that many women have men issues and great trauma. If a trans person caused that trauma then I get it, I feel for you. And just like every other person on the planet we are all different. Do your healing before taking your trauma into any relationship. Please don't hold trans women up as men in skirts. We are as diverse as everybody else, we have different needs and things we like. Please don't assume what they are.

If you are looking to date a trans women ask questions, we will tell you. Look at us as people, look for the qualities of character and personality, the things that actually matter in a relationship. The rest can be figured out together.

Meantime its back to packing up house, keeping fit for the dance, deciding on some out there makeup to match the dress, a few markets and a small operation. Life is busy and I am taking all in my stride right now.