A Trans Experience (A big catch up)

It's been a while since I've visited my blog and yet they are just so many things I want to talk about. There have just been so many things going on for some time and in ways I feel like I have not really made any progress. If anything things have gone backwards.

So how do you measure progress especially when you don't feel like you'll making any.

 

All I know is that I am not where I want to be, and that I am having to fight more than ever just to live. On the plus side I suppose I can say that I am reacting or responding better than I once would have, and in that maybe that is my measure of progress. I suppose it's in the little distinctions like we can see ourselves.

Most of my reactions would probably be fairly typical of a neuro diverse person. I can't talk for people not neuro diverse because it's never been my experience. Things not going to script make it difficult for me to process, I have to start organizing my mind to try and keep up with the pace of things. My neuro Diverse Mind wants to distract or shut down because I feel overwhelmed. And yet I know that I can't do that because I'm too good at it. The thing that I am best doing is avoiding doing the things that I need to do. This means that I am often making my situation worse because I am not front footing things enough. It's not easy when two or three or four or five big things are on your plate all at once. And so things start to build up; big problems become massive problems and they are really, really, hard to work with.

I had an unexpected event in February for four weeks which really threw my whole life plan, if I had a plan, out the window. Life took a turning and it wasn't a good one. It was beyond my control.

 

The only control I had was how I reacted to it. It was traumatizing and triggered many PTSD events from my past. I was overwhelmed and the trauma it's very real as with the dangers. All I could do was keep myself alive, each day pick a most important thing to focus on to  try and resolve the situation. It really was horrible, frustrating. No control, little hope at times. I just had to hold myself together long enough for little opportunities so that I could do what I needed to get through every day. When every day is a battle just to keep enough sanity to hold yourself together. When you find that you have been judged wrongly and that this shouldn't be happening doesn't make things really any better because the reality is they are happening. It's an illusion, control.

I went into survival mode and the trouble for me is survival mode is connected to another identity, not the person I am. I had to be that former identity to survive because what was happening was not the fault of Geo. Geo could not cope. This is cognitive dissonance.

Getting through the experience was no fun, constantly misgendered, and they were the best parts. Being trans comes with many potential abuses, not just offensive, some dangerous.

Since then it has been a battle just to live on my terms. There are people trying actively to change that. They don't know me, they have no understanding of me, or about trans experience. They thought I was someone else, whom they also didn't understand. Lots of programmed assumptions and actions, with some nasty threats thrown in to boot.

 

I have kept myself upright by making stuff in the workshop. A distraction. It's been creative time. Not much selling, things are quiet. My garden is very busy, and productive. New plantings, a nasty fall attempting a face plant added to the days excitement.

 

The previous ME

I have also taken to old dvds, and binge watching old detective programs like George Gently, and A Touch of Frost. Next is Yes Prime Minister. Showing my age, it's comfortable, just as hearing the MASH theme song haunts me. Nigerian scammers are still after me. Cooking and baking have been good. The other regular social experiences of every week is grocery shopping, which seems sad.

The stress levels are high, and I usually have a crash by 2-3pm, forced napping required. Sleep is now with the aid of hypnosis recordings. Some night the sleep really deep, the dreams are weirder than ever, and my dreams are intensely weird, they scare people.

 

I have been trying dating sites online, several of them which are kiwi. I started last year, taken female advice on my profile even. In recent months I have tried more. The results are nil. Zero. Zip. Nadal. Not a chat, not a meeting, nothing. I have been sexualised by men and a couple of trans people. I have been ignored. Strangely my fb feeds for queer groups have had setting changes so I don't get news, so missed many potential social engagements.  One the organizers don't seem to want my attendance.

 

And now a TERF (Trans excluding radical feminist) started abusing me and threatening Trans people. This is the same woman who got me evicted from the Gingers lesbian group. She represents a group of women who hate Trans people, particularly trans women.

 

Most of you will have no appreciation about Terfs, lots of them in the lesbian community. There are many kiwi fb groups that don't allow trans members. And what may surprise many is that some of these people claim to be trans allies. When you see their names you know that they are really only allies on paper. If you frequent trans exclusive places and don't see that is supporting TERFs you are delusional. I know this puts people off me, yet I am the only one being real. If my thinking causes a reaction in you it says that you don't like being outed.

Lesbians often say it's a preference not to date trans women. I simply respond that if you say you prefer white women only you would get labelled racist. No need to expand the example. If you are choosing partners and friends by their body it's you with issues not me. Your lack of character, and morale-fibre.

In the meantime I have had another major financial stress thrown at me which is ridiculous and yet seriously trouble.

The battle for life at its most basic level resumes. Thankfully the cat has taken to talking and her vocabulary has really grown. I am an old cat woman it seems. She has me under control and she is not my cat.

Life. Don't tell me about life.