Existential Dysphoria -A Life Never Lived

Its a bit of a mouthful the title. And until you understand it it seems really weird. Even discussing this is something that is seldom done because as a percentage of the population it really only effects some trans people, particularly those who did not come out early.  

I have it. Bad. And I have had it a long time, a really long time. And it explains how I allowed myself to self destruct some years ago.

Its horrible.

Imagine your life suddenly has no past that you identify with. Think on that carefully. For trans people its when your past is something you don't identify with. Take away all your memories and experiences. Going to school, making friends, playing sport, everything. Even puberty, and what things you like. Take it all away. Now tell me who you are without that past. No experiences that shape you, your beliefs, body. Nothing.

Now tell me who you are. Tell me why you are.

If we are the sum of all before and what we did and believed, then what am I? A 7yo trans woman repeating puberty with 50 years experience as a man I don't identify with.

Try giving it some thought. Think about how you fit into this world without a life you identify with. 

Thats me. 

Imagine 'not having that much life. It is like a giant void in my life. As Geogina I am a middle aged 7 year old in one sense. I put it on the fridge for my birthday. So much of my life feels empty. Like waking from a 50 year dream as somebody else growing up, and when you wake you are somebody else with no history. Nothing but a dream.

Existential dysphoria is horrible. I don't expect many of you will get what I am talking about. For you, you have had 50 years of me as one identity, and now 7 years as I am. To you its fluid. To me there is a disconnect. I know what you do, I know how I was once a male, I remember school, and every single memory. 

It is just not what I identify with. I missed every single experience women take for granted. There is deep inside a longing to have that life, those experiences and memories.

Once I indulged it the wrong way, and it blew mine and others lives apart.

I still feel this. 

I am still trying to figure out who I am even after 7 years. It may seem mad, and yet it is how I am. All the music I think I like was not my choice. Some interests to, I have dropped many hobbies because they are not me. 

If you are still saying thats mad, its still you, well, its not. You see I am now chemically a very different person, and this has been further enhanced by surgery removing the source of one chemical. I have different thinking because of it, different emotions, I see things different, and even taste things different. It may seem nuts, yet that is the reality I face. I am not the old me physically, and my head doesn't relate to the old me. Life is being relived from the beginning.

My music choices have changed, I don't watch TV or online programs, many old programs I can't watch, I am repulsed by them. It is confusing at times not knowing all these details of who I am. 

Yes there are times when I think it doesn't matter. I mean who wants a second puberty? 

Well I have been going through one. And like a teen I am figuring out who I am. I know that I am a caring and compassionate person, with strong feelings about a few things. I do good in this world, I keep myself going. 

And at times knowing how I live is good and is enough, yet a void remains of a life that never existed while living the extended life of a dead man. My past has no present, My present is 7 years old, and and thats going to shape a new future.

Its the itch you cannot reach, and it never goes away.