Am I over it or just over people?

Had an interesting discussion and thought session today, and its been quite a day for other reasons I won't go into. Instead I want to talk about my being a woman and how it has changed the last few years.

I have not worn a dress for nearly 2yrs, and I have dresses I have never worn.

I don't get my hair done now either, maybe over 18 months now.

I haven't done my nails for over 18 months, and I can even name when, 2024 local pride month dance. I have never had my nails done professionally.

I hardly ever wear makeup anymore, except sometimes eye liner and eye shadow.

I have never had a Girls Night Out, or been invited out to town, nor had a date.

I seldom give a shit about what others think anymore.

I seldom go out with or to meet people. The last time was about 3 weeks ago.

Its not depression talk, its realizing that I don't give a fuck about most people, because most don't give a fuck about me.

My life is unimportant. Its shown by the in-action of others. My actions helping women really are wasted. I have a big soft heart, and I share it to easily. I do it because it is right. I do it to redeem a past. And at some level to be accepted.

Each day is the same, varying only by weather, and the pain it causes my fibromyalgia, how much caffeine I have, and how much shit my neighbor from hell causes me. My daily life is defined by various forms of pain and mental health.

Its what my life has come down to. Its that simple. I keep trying, and why I don't know. I still keep doing the right thing and helping people, and it feels unreciprocated.

So I wonder why I bother. I can't seem to sell anything so I feel like giving up creating stuff. And creating stuff is how I survive. I tire of a certain type of people always asking and expecting 75% discount, then you get this response that tries to make you feel the bad person for having value in what you do.

I ask myself why do I bother?

On the internet there are so many groups in New Zealand that are trying to invalidate my existence, spreading hate and misinformation. And that doesn't include the back stabbing by rainbow community TERFs. I am labelled as dangerous, the enemy. I am not recognized as a woman, and at times as human.

And the truth is I am the one who is under threat, not CIS women.

I am under threat of eviction because a gay man who misgenders me and is obsessed by anything I do, my mere existence annoys him. Over the weekend I got in trouble because I was water blasting the deck from 9am to 11am and had to place plants and other items on the lawn. This ruined his view overnight. I am being serious and not exaggerating. This led to a complaint and my landlord issuing a written warning. Go figure. So now I am not going to bother being a great tenant, it to is unappreciated.

I really am unsure where this goes. My world is bonkers in all the wrong ways.

How many of you have to put up with these types of things?

I had to wait at the bus terminus last night. I waited on the platform, choosing not to sit, pacing in circles listening to music without headphones. I watched another trans woman, 25-30, a very femme goth look, rather cool. They were doing the same, and often consulting their phone. I tried several times to interact, and the reception to my face was colder than a melting glacier.

My appearance may be part of that, it was not femme, and it probably looked like I didn't care. It may have been the music out loud, although my music fitted their image. They dressed for attention, I was dressed not to draw attention.

And it came to mind we were doing the same thing many trans do, we were protecting ourselves. I don't like wearing headphones much because they remove my ability to sense my surroundings. Wearing them removes a survival sense. If you hide in them you are making yourself vulnerable, I know about such things. And walking in circles is a defensive measure, always on the lookout, always ready to react, much safer than sitting where you are trapped. My music is for my pleasure, and it plays loud to keep people away, its a message. Them being on a chat through phone also sends a message, and its not really any different, just quieter.

What this showed me as I circled then drove home is that I still live in fear, fear that has lasted my whole life. I have reflected that I still have survival tactics constantly in play. I have even withdrawn from the world (again)  because of the attacks I have had on my being. There is no safe space left. I am under siege in my home, in the community, on the internet. 

Right now as I reflect on all this I realise that my place as a woman in this world is very limited and undermined. As the joke goes, I got 99 problems and being a woman has caused all of them. Maybe not all, most.

My life is shrinking, and I see it shrinking until I find a very isolated spot with no other people around. And that place, that sanctuary, will have to do. That will be my boundary. It will be the wall I errect. If you are lucky you may get a door code.