Angels, Demons, and Me
It is not merely a catchy title, it is life right now. Chaotic, uncertain, and a battle not just for my bodies health, my mental health is under duress. There is not a maybe I am struggling, I am struggling. Normally I put in some smiley photos. There are none of late. Nothing real. A bit like some of my more recent art which is actually a commentary on the unreal.
Right now I have a health issue, marked often by fever, weakness, and it has me living in another dimension most days. The crazy thing is my link to reality is eating ice cream, in the other world my head occupies much of the time there is no ice cream for some reason.
Crazy? Try living it. I walk in a semi dazed and wobbly state, driving is dangerous right now, and I often seem mesmerized by lights and am struggling judging distance. Light plays tricks, nothing feels real. It is my mind trying to cope.
You ask why don't you stay in bed? And I say who is going to look after me? Seriously, who is? Because there is nobody, and some shit still needs doing because nobody is making my life easier. I can't seem to manage a regular pattern of day, struggling with taking medication properly, struggling with making meals and eating. Sleep is a 5-letter curse word, and I suspect its some gut bacteria making things worse. And no I have not Googled anything, just well enough read.
Right now life is not really life, and certainly not living.
I am going to have to see the doc I suspect. That involves driving downtown, and thats going to be fun. I can't go to the hospital because the car will get towed.
Angels
I have known many angels in this life of mine, not sure if that makes me lucky or not. They come and go, often only for a short time. I personally don't know why I am chosen, and yet I am. Many have had their wings broken, their halos may be tarnished by the world. Some seem to appear for me, others for themselves, and others its something mutual.
The thing to remember it's the angels and never permanent, they are there for some reason which is not always obvious. they may be there for you, and sometimes they ah there because they need you.
I know a few rules about angels. Number#1 is don't hurt them. I once did. I will be trying to redeem myself for the rest of my life for that. You can't hurt angels and expect your life to be great.
And yet through my whole life damaged angels have come and gone. Why?
I have had a couple of angels since I got to Hamilton. Highly broken, there was a mutual-ness to our being in each others life. That angel gave me back part of my humanity, long switched off. I am not sure what I gave that angel, I tried to protect them from the worst of themselves. I was the unlikely friend. We are still distant friends.
The second angel turned up when I really, really needed a flatmate. I provided a safe space in return when they needed one. Not sure where things are with this angels, they have moved on.
My most recent angel arrived at the end of last year, again at a time when we both needed the other. There was from the first meeting something special, a connection at a deep spiritual level. It was nothing romantic, it was two damaged souls with differing needs and able to give each other what we each needed. We didn't have to do lots of talking, and what we did was meaningful. There was alignment of thought and living, and that is kind of special.
My latest Angel just moved out. it took a few days to really taken in the impact of what was to happen. I am still taking that in on some level. I have had to rewrite this several times, gave up voice dictation, because I am always in tears doing this. Even now I have tears and have to take a break.
My angel said yesterday that I am a refuge for people who need my being the supportive Aunty, that I am a safe place in a storm. These are actually deeply felt compliments, making me feel appreciated. I am not sure how to thank them for all they gave to me, much more than they realise.
Demons
Part of my issues is that I have abandonment issues. In 2yrs I have had 8-flatmates. Its a lot. WI have little in the way of friends, of feel a lack of security in housing among many other things. Health is not secure, mental health constantly under more stress than I can say. My life is a chaotic mess right now.
I have had insight into why I have not had a swim since I got here, because it has been hot summers and I enjoy the feel of watery emersion. It is not because I don't have a swim suit, I have had many opportunities to get one. A trans friend/mentor never took the time to help me on that level, one of many let downs I have had.
The answer is actually simpler, and its fear. Fear created by CiS women who I have encountered since I arrived here. I don't feel safe without a friend with me to keep me safe from accusation. I don't feel safe around all but a few women, and one trans women. I have trust issues with men as well. I feel exceptionally vulnerable, more than people know.
My feelings about myself take further hits when for over a month I have had not had a single reaction on 2 dating sites, not boo. The only plus side in that there is no men hitting on me even if the stupid algorithm keeps putting up men for this lesbian. I have men lining up every day on Facebook, most are simply deleted by reflex. This has not stopped getting hit on in revolting ways by flatmate applicants. I have even been hit on a year ago in my own home by a customer buying shelves. I get more sexual harassments in my own home than a woman in the 1970's walking past a construction site down town.
I am a thing, a fetish, a bucket list tick experience. I am something for CiS women to fear, to start nasty gossip about or make false allegations. Going out scares me unless its the supermarket or Bunnings. Going into women's spaces is a challenge to my thinking, and I always feel I have to be hyper vigilant. I live on raw nervous energy.
Not sure what CiS women are thinking now they have somebody like me to make feel so vulnerable. Do they think it good having someone to punch down on? Don't they feel like this is not right? What it tells me is that most either don't care, or, you still in your minds see me as a male. There are a lot of you.
Hell, I found out recently that I had been removed from the local rainbow pride FB group by somebody. Please don't say its conspiratorial thinking, my life is a conspiracy.
Meantime I am really struggling to find a new flatmate. I have had plenty of replies and viewings, best 3 have passed on the option with silly excuses. I am fairly certain that being trans doesn't help. If I don't get somebody soon I have to seriously consider my being here. Its not easy getting a suitable place, never mind suitable flatmates.
And before somebody says get a job, don't, the sarcasm meter detects high degrees of frustration in me on that subject. As does the on going neighbor from hell who prevents me living as others do.
My remaining flatmate is making life a little harder than I need. Thats all I need to say. I have to step up even though sick.
Life is beyond messy right now. Very little in control, no base of stability to work from, chaos, and I am really struggling with this sickness. I just want to let go and give the world a big single digit salute.
And I need an angel, for me.
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