I Need A Doctor

I am not sure why I’m writing this. even the idea of writing seemed strange because I am dictating this into my new phone. it is all ultimately just a bunch of tiny electrical charges which I am using to display my thoughts and feelings.

I don’t do a lot of blogs these days, mostly because so much of my life is now blah. Day in and day out it is very much Groundhog Day.

I also don’t blog a lot because I still have much the same thing to say, same experiences, and have made a choice I don’t enjoy.

I find myself this weekend all alone in my house. My flat mates are away for the weekend, and the house feels quieter then a cemetery. This is not a place I enjoy on my own.

I have a doctor’s appointment later this week. It is a new Doctor, my old one has returned to her home district. So now I have to start a whole new relationship with this new Doctor, and I am not looking forward to it.

Recently I gave a much delayed blood test, mostly about my diabetes. As I anticipated my diabetes is worse, much worse. I didn’t need a blood test to tell me that. So I have to go in and try and explain to the doctor and nurse why it is so.

The reason it is so is very simple, just like everything else in my life. And I mean simple in that it starts with mental health problems. and the thing with mental health problems is that they are seldom simple.

It is the isolation and loneliness that I feel. it is the feeling that I don’t fit into the community or even the society that I live in. it is the feeling that I am unsafe, particularly in the rainbow community. It is the feeling of rejection on so many levels. 

Feeling rejected as a friend, which I actually am. Feeling rejected as a trans woman, which I am. Feeling rejected by a society where I cannot work, and the solution to that one is way too complex. Feeling rejected and unlovable, or worse somebodies sexual bucket list or perversion, or even more attempted love scams, even by trans people.

There are actually days when I am lucky to see anybody or have a conversation longer than a few minutes. If I want more I might go to Bunnings or maybe Pak n Save. These are spaces I feel safe in.

Safety has become very important to me. Not my physical safety, I have stood up to bigger bullies than most people will ever do. The sort of bullies that come often in groups where speech is a second language to violence.

You might think I’m a little paranoid, maybe a little crazy, and yet my fears are very real. As some of you will know there have been threats against me, by members of the rainbow community. And The thing is those people are connected to people who run things. All it takes is for them to say I feel unsafe with Geo here. That simple.

And because people don’t understand or don't want to know or don't want to believe, I simply have to stay away. It may be not such a big loss, I didn’t really have any friends there anyway. nobody invited me places or to events. I never made the list of acceptable people. I have tried to invite them to simple events like coffee, And that has failed as well.

Just imagine if this was you. how would you feel? how would you react?

It’s really easy for people to tell me to get out of the house and go and join a group, or worse, go and do something on my own. Specially when they know all that I am telling you. It makes me feel like I waste my breath talking about what is happening in my life. I feel unheard, and that's just another form of rejection.

I have tried, and tried. I have tried joining woman's walking groups. Rejected. I have tried joining ladies social groups. Rejected and evicted. I have been evicted from trans support groups. Rainbow social groups have bred some of the nastiest reactions. I went a few times to a gaming group and I just didn’t feel I fit in. 

Employment agencies will not take me, and MSD never bothers me about getting a job, and never will again. My budget is often strained, and this has stopped me going to a few things that I would have liked. I was just able to get this new phone, a very basic model.

And now I have to find a new flatmate within 4 weeks because my youngest flatmate is moving forward in their life. She has become family, and I will certainly miss them.

This is all leading back to my very simple problem of mental health, and how it is affecting my diabetes. I am a stress eater. It doesn’t help being a foodie, or being raised in a bakery, or being a former chef. Food is a way that I still find pleasure in life. Yet the food that sustains me, that gives me pleasure, is killing me.

It’s like an attempted s*****e in very slow motion. And I often don’t care because I get such little joy from life, I might as well eat something nice and enjoy it. And things like baking which bring me joy are basically a non starter. For a few months my budget was so tight I could not afford my sugar replacement tablets.

I do need exercise, and I cannot be bothered by myself. My whole life is by myself. I am not living for anyone, and I won’t be made to feel that I should or must.

Life is hard right now, and it’s been hard for sometime. I am tired, more than usual. There are nights when I might only get an hours sleep. Days and weeks start to blur. I have pretty much given up on my daughter, or ever progressing in life because I can’t earn enough money because I can’t work.

And in a surprise move I got my youngest flatmate to help me join online dating. I had sworn I never would. I really am not expecting anything, especially seeing the listing’s. So far not a nibble or reply, what was I expecting?

The only other joy is creating stuff. And that I have to be careful about because of the neighbor from hell.

And this is my life right now, walking between the bedroom and kitchen and workshop, on my own. Every single day. Trapped in a ripple of time.

I need a Doctor with a blue box, ideally number 9, or maybe 10. Taking a journey with an amazing friend across time and space. I would be happy with that, even with a tragic parting at the end.

I miss Rose and Donna.

Maybe i just need to move and get cats and Dachshunds to fill the empty space inside. Videos of both these help, real ones would be better.

I shall see how the doctor goes, the new one or the one with a blue box.

Geogina