Goodbye friend, I know your suffering

I caught up with a friend today, which was really nice.  Its been nearly 2 years, and it was a quick catch up as there was other reasons for the visit. The talk was mostly about what I was doing, how I was progressing and succeeding.

And then she dropped a bombshell with a delayed fuse that was ticking. It was so casual, so simple.

"Did you know that 'S' had committed sui***e?"

I did not.

I asked "Did they know why?"

She didn't.

I could think of a couple. I knew her, she was like me. We had stuff in common at a level most people didn't know. I also know what its like hurting so bad that you make a decision to stop the pain and feelings and thoughts, because I did as well.

The difference was that I am still here for reasons unknown. I don't look for meaning in my failure, I accepted it and moved forward and faced the hurt, and it was not fun. 

We both lost lots through a similar experience, and we both came out of the experience gates all fired up to achieve and get on with life. We had diaries and lists of goals, plans, futures to take on.

Again the difference was that I had been through much more extensive treatment because back then I was a man, and women never got the same option. The bias is a numbers game.

Unlike her, I had a fresh start, nobody knew me, nobody really cared. I was Geogina. 'S' was not so lucky. She was the wrong kind of celebrity, the kind some people never forget or forgive, and they had made many threats of horrible things against her.

It was her second day living next door to me, and she wanted some stuff from K-mart. She changed her hair style, wore a cap pulled down low, and dressed very non-descript. She was scared as hell, anxiety really high. I dressed as brightly as I did back then, figuring that people would look at the trans woman and not her, which seemed to work. We shopped without incident. We would do a few more shops together before she gained confidence, then she was out the gate at 900 miles an hour. 

I also drive her to a tangi where she caught up with a spiritual sister, That made her happy. We also built some hand crafted shelves using rope. I remember doing almost everything because she was on the phone. She made meals to share, and made Maori Bread many times that I got to share.

Within a short period she would travel to Auckland daily for work. Life was going well.

I left living next door and our contact dropped away, we were on different paths trying to make new lives. She was succeeding as far as I knew until today.

I know some reasons why she may have decided to end things, I can imagine how they would have effected her, some of these are the same for me when I was trying. And it hurts. It hurts bad. It has made me reflect on my time at that position, why I hurt, why I failed, and why I chose to live and face the hurt head on, and why ultimately I came out as Geogina.

So this afternoon several hours after finding out, the bomb exploded in me and I had to lie down and rest, blanket over me for security, and many thoughts and old feelings to process. Tonight I spoke with my flatmate about it all, and I am feeling a little lighter, though still processing it all.

I could so easily have been her. I am so sad she is no longer here but for a few memories and thoughts of how she got there.

Goodbye 'S', I hope the pain no longer hurts you.