Life Alone, A Deeper Understanding Of Me

It has been a funny few weeks. And I wish there had been more jokes. A joke creates laughter, and laughter makes you feel good, and I need more of that. We could all do with more laughter, joy, happiness.

So without jokes its been more like hitting your funny bone. Again and again.

I have had lots going on, emotionally and physically. Battles internally and externally. It has reached the point where I have had to take time out this weekend from as much as I could, though one issue flared up that I had to challenge straight on at home.

My progressive withdrawal from the rainbow community and the world has been progressing. There is more peace in my life. It is something I have discussed with other mature trans-women where we find peace only from shutting out much of the world and live with our own acceptance of ourselves and the quieter lives we go about living. 

Its not really how I want to live forever. A guy named Andy Eldritch once summed it up for me.

Some people get by with a little understanding Some people get by with a whole lot more I don't know, why you gotta be so undemanding One thing I know, I want more, I want more

I never asked to be this way, to feel like isolation is a solution as well as a means of protection. All I really want is acceptance, and a friend or companion or partner to share life. Non-trans people really don't seem to understand what acceptance is to a trans person. And by trans people I am not including or speaking for non binary people.

Acceptance means different things to different people. For me this is rather basic, and maybe complex. I want to live my life as I am without to much BS or harassment. I don't want to much judgement or assumption about me, and the ability to use services and facilities as I identify.

I accept that there will be some rough bits, some people who disagree, that I will never really be equal with a CIS woman because I am not a CIS woman. That said I am not living a deluded life trying to be one. I am me, and I am good with being me. I still need all the same basic things that any person needs emotionally and physically. If my identity causes some people problems thats a THEM issue.

Yes, I am happy with me. Right now life is not what I want or are prepared to accept longer term. I have needs and desires, ambition and goals to reach, so I need more once I passed through this self healing phase.

And that means less social engagements and more wood work, some writing and drawing for the time being. Less people, more me. Quality people are hard to find.

It has been a learning experience about my ADHD. I am amazed that it took so long to see it, or somebody else see it. My life with the knowledge I now have gives me much insight into my past and present behavior. I am actually quite a typical ADHD person that has learned to successfully mask it, much like I managed to do with who I really am for most of my life.

Living with an 18yr-old who suffers from it is also illuminating. I can see my past more clearly, and I realise that I am almost 56 with 55 years experience. I have learned ways to cope, compensate, adapt and celebrate my ADHD strengths, and accept many of my weaknesses. Age and experiences and the desire to make myself a better person has given me wisdom hard earned. 

Age is making some things worse, or maybe as a Gen-X child I have problems with all the PC approach to talking about truth or dealing with deluded and ignorant people younger than me. Or even calling BS when I see it. Yes I have strong feelings and opinions, and I am not shy with them sometimes. And I can be brutal with the delivery if pushed. I am learning to walk away.

Lately I was tested in this behavior with an on-line discussion among local rainbow community members, almost all non-trans. It very quickly escalated, and I was alone in my position. Can't say I was perfect in how I responded, an understatement. I eventually walked away, allowing them their delusions.

I get tired of dealing with people who can't see the big picture. Who can't see they are being played and manipulated and used, and try and drag me into it, or do so on my behalf. Again its age and experience, some ADHD, and the ability to piece together various information. 

And in this case I could not believe how limited a vision so many people have.

I have a metaphor for life. If you keep kicking and hurting your toe on a piece of furniture in your lounge, do you complain about it and fix the toe, or, do you do that and move or adjust the furniture so you don't kick it again?

When we had Covid sensible people wore masks, distanced, and got vaccinated, and modified their behavior. We dealt with the means of transmission and a cure and life saving care.  

To me its about dealing with the cause and not just the symptoms. Otherwise its like repeating the same mistakes and complaining about it. Dealing with the source of the problem is the only logical solution.

Thankfully there are others who see what I see, and they are not stupid or emotionally blinded.

There are other things. I never got to raise my daughter as a teenager, so its a learning experience with my youngest flatmate. It make me looks back at how I was raised, and now really appreciate how my parents prepared me for the big world on my own. I knew how to run a house, cook, clean, and everything else. Like most teens I may not have always been enthusiastic about learning or doing, yet I can compare with my young flatmate and be grateful.

My wives of the past were often never happy with me doing things, they had a standard and never showed appreciation. In the end I just started doing things and told them to either appreciate my help or keep complaining you have to do them.

My young flatmate never learned anything, they were never taught or made to do stuff. They learned how to use ADHD as an excuse. They learned the word CAN'T and emotional manipulation. Its sad. Its not that they are incapable either physically or intelligently. Its not that the ADHD gets in the way. Its the lack of belief in themselves. 

I remember once I would say Can't when I didn't want to do things, or when anxiety hit, or if I became frustrated. It took me years to look at myself and see that I had become confident. Its self belief. Its knowing that there is always a way. I am not sure how I developed that. I have a feeling trying to impress people, particularly women, was the driver. Success breeds self belief. A modicum of talent helps.

And I am saddened when I see such a capable young person who lacks it. That was me. That was my daughter when I last saw her 12 years ago. I am not their mother, and yet I feel responsible like a mother.

There are other things happening, a surprise battle with a government department has been sprung upon me, and its an important battle to win. It is a stupid battle with no basis in fact, and it appears as if I am being treated as a man and not a woman as in this case there is usually a difference. My battles never seem to end. The problem is that they are treating me as a man, and don't understand what being a trans woman is all about.

I realise I also have strong feelings on some subjects, particularly trans issues. Some of them I really struggle to hold in. They can come across as very judgmental, confrontational logic. I struggle to choke them down because I want to people please and not upset everyone as I seem to do a lot of lately.

And yet some days I really can't seem to hold back. Making people think through what they are saying/doing in a direct way upsets people, which I don't like doing unless you really start saying silly things.

This is why I got the boot from the trans support group here at the beginning of the year because I couldn't stay quiet in a room of deluded mixed up people who were attention seeking and manipulative. I have been on the crazy train, I know where it goes. I don't want to watch train wrecks and not do anything.

Again this is seeing my old behavior, because that is what one does. That old me, the male I once was who hid and lived in a world of lies and make believe. It was not until I faced up to myself and decided that the life I was living had to change. And change for the better it has been.

Looking back at that old me scares me. It would scare most people. There is more than HOPE in my Pandora's Box. 

So life goes on, and I am surviving, growing, living. Its not the life I want and need, and yet it is allowing me to heal.

Aroha all,

Geogina