"I AM" I Said, To No One There...

It has been quite a while since my last block entry. I just have not felt like sharing what's happening in my life right now. However, I do need to share, even if nobody reads this.

It is the culmination of a number of things, everything from losing the job, feeling so disconnected from the rainbow community, loss of a friend, and the isolation I find myself experiencing. There is also my fibromyalgia which is playing up a lot, leaving me in extended periods of pain and we ring down my will power.

The culmination of everything has been that not only have I been withdrawing further and further from life, that a depression has moved in. Each day is a struggle, I have good days and bad days. I am living much more day-to-day, using my good days too often prepare for the not so good days. This is not a state that I want to remain in.

I do my best to keep myself busy. The only place that I find any joy right now is in my workshop, making stuff. It is my creativity, the drive to make things, try new things, and express myself that keeps me from sinking right now. Who would have thought set my humble cramped little workshop would be the only place I can find joy right now? Because in my depression I find ways to be creative, an almost primal urge to express what I am feeling.

Having taken a few weeks holiday after the job, I found that my rejection issues flared up. I have a great history of rejection, and it leaves me in headspace I find difficult to get out of. And before anyone says that we all feel rejection, I would invite you to experience what I have and see how you react. I don't have that sort of close support that many have, this is a life I face mostly on my own.

I have feelings of rejection and abandonment that go back to early childhood which feel still very powerful. This became stronger as I grew, being different to other children makes life more complex. and when you start to try and understand your sexual identity and your parents and society react so negatively, I can assure you rejection as a human being is how you feel. Even as the anniversary of my second year and Hamilton approaches, my lack of success finding friends or even a social group in which I feel valued and cared for pushes the rejected feelings into very dangerous places. Thankfully my desire to live is stronger, never going back down that road, never ever. 

Most of the time I feel that I am on a deserted island which has Internet service and a supply of pallets I can salvage. Or maybe I am invisible until somebody needs something from me.  It is getting to the point where reality is not a fun place to be, and that I find comfort in the unreal for periods of time.

You see, in my fantasy I am accepted, respected, trusted, valued and appreciated. It is by no means a perfect world in my fantasy, things are much like real life with real issues. Yet in that funny little world called my fantasy I am at least someone. I am ME, and that is good enough in my fantasy world.

I have not had anybody locally contact me for months about anything social. I have the doctors surgery,  the pharmacy, MSD, IRD, scammers, and the power and internet companies, all keen to have something from me. I go to Bunnings every day just to have human contact. My home life also has a lack of connection, I live a very different life to my flatmates. 

My other home.

If you are about to say that you have to keep trying, you fail to appreciate that I have, and its only my energy that is drained and not reciprocated. I have been booted from programs and social groups due to discrimination, gaslighted for others behavior.

I am even starting to feel very disconnected from some of my older friends who live at distance. When you don’t feel accepted and respected it builds a wall between you. And in simple terms it will take effort on their part if there is to be a connection. I have built boundary walls to keep my own peace of mind. 

Walls are by their nature divisive. They don’t have you connect with the other side unless there is a gate,  in my case it is a way of allowing and controlling the contact to things that respect me. I don't need peoples disrespect, had more than I need, and why should I put up with it. 

I am tired of making the effort which others use. I don’t want to keep draining my energy which is not returned. All relationships need a balance of energy transfer to work. There is none. People seem happy to take. No respect, no appreciation, no care. I am a good person, I willing have given of myself, yet it must change a little. I will always be a giver. I don't want to be used. The takers I need to leave behind.

The reality is that I have a choice. I can accept the situation as it is and just carry on in my own little world,  or, I could keep banging my head against a brick wall hoping to get a different outcome (definition of insanity), or, maybe I move. I don’t like any of the choices, yet accepting the situation is preferable than moving or more pain and disappointment right now.

This is life. My life. I don't feel appreciated, or heard, or cared for, or desired / wanted / needed.

Neil Diamond has a song that sums up how it is, and as he says you can change a few details but the story is the same one.

"I Am I Said"

L.A.'s fine, the sun shines most the time And the feeling is "lay back" Palm trees grow and rents are low But you know I keep thinkin' about Making my way back Well I'm New York City born and raised But nowadays I'm lost between two shores L.A.'s fine, but it ain't home New York's home But it ain't mine no more "I am"... I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair "I am"... I cried "I am"... said I And I am lost and I can't Even say why Leavin' me lonely still Did you ever read about a frog Who dreamed of bein' a king And then became one Well except for the names And a few other changes If you talk about me The story is the same one But I got an emptiness deep inside And I've tried But it won't let me go And I'm not a man who likes to swear But I never cared For the sound of being alone "I am"... I said To no one there And no one heard at all Not even the chair "I am"... I cried "I am"... said I And I am lost and I can't Even say why "I am"... I said "I am"... I cried "I am"