Why Do I Bother?

I think it was Robin Williams who said something like he used to think that the worst thing was being alone until he realized that being in the company of people who made you feel alone was worse.

And that is where I find myself tonight, at a local pride dance party. I am surrounded by people, most I don’t know, many couples, many younger than I.  The music pumps, the dance floor is covered in bodies. Play “How soon is now” by The Smiths. https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=hnpILIIo9ek

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir of nothing in particular
Shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir of nothing in particular
Shut your mouth, how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home, and you cry, and you want to die

When you say it's going to happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See, I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

And I find myself sitting on a couch writing my blog, barely acknowledged. I have seen a couple of people I know who are busy ignoring me,  had a couple of compliments  on my looks. I danced by myself mostly. 

And that is my life right now,  alone, naturally. 

My looks are the equal or better of most women,  probably dressed better than most. 

I  simply don’t feel a connection to the people, and maybe the scene.

Why am I here?

What did I expect?

I have been to this place before. Trying to find some sort of acceptance, a place I feel like I belong.

It’s not here. 

There are tears building, I barely have them under control. I have had two conversations with trans women,  one is a regular who is often hitting on all the best looking women and striking out as usual.  Still she never gives up. 

I  am watching two younger lesbian women making out. It is a beautiful thing, yet mostly I just feel worse. Yet I watch as I type, a happiness that I can’t have. 

Tears building again. 

I am thinking of leaving, who will notice? 

Nobody. 

Work has become much the same. I work by myself,  I have breaks by myself,  and I have started working through breaks. It is getting that bad. Even my work wife has blamed me for her issues and barely speaks, and only if she has to. 

What a life. 

I am thinking of quitting the rainbow 🌈 community, and maybe the regular community. It’s the rainbow community that hurts the most. Going back and banging my head against the brick wall of indifference is madness, a desperation for acceptance few understand. 

It is the morning after, and appropriately it rains as I hold back more tears. I have a sore head which is not from alcohol, and I am still tired. The only reason I carry on is because I  once made a decision to live, a promise to myself I will not break. 

Being a trans woman is not easy. Most of my life is social rejection and isolation. Seriously I wonder why I bother looking for human connections when humanity doesn’t want me . 

Right now I live for a cuddle, a hand held, a kiss, the touch of another human being. It has been 12 years since I have had any of this, the most basic of human needs. And to be technical, Geogina has not had this in all her 55 years. So please don't criticize until you have walked a mile in my shoes, which ironically would fall off because your feet are to small, a true metaphor.

This is not an attempt to get sympathy, I don't need that.

Maybe I should go back to being scammed, it felt better than real people and real life.