Mats & Blankets, Insight to my life

Before I get into the subject of this blog entry, I would like people to know this is my experience and my truth, and I am working through these issues right now. Some people may have different perspectives on what I am going to talk about, and the people and motivations involved. Again, I remind you this is my experience, my truth, and how it came to define how I lived, and some of the decisions that I made which would take me to where I am today. And just so you know  how much this is on my mind I am writing this at 2:30 AM on a work morning.

I am going to start with asking about what is a floor mat, or a picnic blanket, or something like these. Because for me they are instruments of control and manipulation, asserting ourselves over space, how the space is used, and defining how we see the space.

My relationship with mats and blankets start very early in life. Probably like most children, including my own daughter, it was put down as a place for me to play, with some sort of toy or activity to keep me busy and entertained, while being protected from the floor.

If you were wondering how I manage to remember these experiences it is because they became ingrained into my entire life and way of thinking. They say that such early memories are not realistic, that I am making things up. Yet I know for me these memories are true because they have shaped and been so ingrained in my life.

The thing with mats and blankets is that they define a space. They do this by defining an area to create a look or function, and even highlight things on it. It even creates an invisible boundary, defined by a layer different to the one below which will have edges  defined by color, pattern, or some other means such as texture.

As a baby I was placed on mats and blankets, with toys and books to play and learn. I suppose that is all normal, accept I wasn’t normal, and I never have been because I experienced my world differently from others because I was somewhere on the neurodiversity spectrum, unknown at the time.

As a baby I never crawled, never ever. I got to nine months and stood and walked. Nothing particularly special, yet  in my mind there was that invisible barrier that said to me stay on the blanket, that is where they want you, that is safe. Eventually the blanket disappeared, yet in my mind the invisible boundary remained.

As I reflect on this thinking now I am able to see the origins of how I view my world,  how I interpret space and spatial awareness. These are things that I am actually quite good at, working within defined spaces and organizing my life.

Another thing that I learned was that I got favorable attention By staying on the blanket, showing good play and learning skills, doing things that impressed adults. I actually have memories of this, real memories.  The thing is that you can’t keep repeating the same tricks because the audience grows bored with them and wants new material.

And that is how it was. That is how I remember it. That is how I felt.

I actually do have specific memories of things I was doing to get attention, such as showing a desire to write like adults did in cursive script which I tried to imitate before I was two years old. My brain is full of stuff like this.

And part of this desire for attention was perhaps because my sister was born and was very unwell for some years, in and out of hospital from birth. Where did this leave me?

I know that this is where I learned to do as I was told, or even was implied, because this got me favourable attention. "Ohh what a good boy you are", "He is just such a good boy staying on the blanket that I never have to worry", or, "Look what he is doing on the blanket, he is so clever."

I thrived on this positive reinforcement of my behavior and I wanted more. I also needed something else, something at the time that I still do not fully understand today. Yes I was loved. And yet I still craved for something or somethings that I did not feel I was getting, and part of this was acceptance, and part of this was loneliness, because I was the only child on the blanket.

To cut a long story a bit shorter, you will see that acceptance and loneliness are still part of my life. Those close to me know that I am still on somebody else's blanket, free within its confines, and free to step off it. Yes it is a much bigger blanket. My blanket is placed on top of another blanket created by the society I live in. 

If I  stay in the middle area of the overlaps life is safe. If I go where there is less blanket overlap life is a bit riskier. And if I step off the blankets then I am really swimming in the open ocean under my own power.

It took me a few years to step off the blanket for many reasons. I was partially sheltered, probably more than most children my age. I was different, and I had seen things children should never experience. So I was kept on a blanket.

As I grew up I new that the blankets I was on was not the blanket for me. I was different and curious. Stepping off was something I had to do, at first secretly,  and sometimes with consequences because my curious nature and need to find who I was. Take my attraction to exploring female clothing, a real secret exploration which eventually got lots of negative attention and consequences.

When I was 15 years old I was forced through emotional blackmail to stop my cross dressing because of how it effected my mother (and stepfather). It was not an easy decision. It was like cutting off a part of me and pretending it was still there.  It created peace in my world, and resentment, sadness, anger, and confusion inside my head and heart.

The thing is you can’t be what you are not. An elephant must be an elephant. A Macaw must be a Macaw. So when I left home I really started exploring my identity through cross dressing and sexual identity, still mostly secretly.

There were 3 marriages to follow, and in each one I found myself back on blankets, in houses that were literally full of mats and blankets.  It left me feeling trapped and having to play the role of someone else to please and hide my identity. It became my life, acting to get praise, security, and avoiding loneliness. My second wife in particular used and manipulated me,  created blankets for me to stay on. Stepping off led to threats and feelings that my life was at times at risk. It really was horrible. My ability to have friends, male or female was limited and controlled. There were all sorts of allegations and guilt trips to keep me on the mat.

My third wife was somebody who I wanted to please, and could not quite be the real me. There was so much good stuff, and yet not being me led me to complete self destruction. This was not my mat or blanket. I look back in sadness at what happened, what I did.

The consequences were as bad as it gets. There became a life of only mats for some years.

When I arrived in Hamilton 19 months ago the number of mats and blankets diminished, life was in part scripted and controlled. Yet I was determined not to be constricted by these mats and blankets. I had a new life to live, and nothing would stop me. I had been through hell and made it out. I hated mats, yet I respected that my life needed some.

I don’t have mats in my house beside the bathroom mats. The spaces I live in are uncontrolled, the spaces are free from definition. This is me and my life. I define it, not my past or other people. I will go where I want, make friends where I want, and make mistakes that I accept responsibility for.

I have met or had people in my life who have lives on mats. It has been sad watching them. The reality they live in triggers a PTSD response in me, and then empathy where I want to help. I want to help because I don’t want to see others waste their lives living only on other people’s mats and blankets. I don’t like seeing people miss the potential for life, surrendering their power, missing living a real life, or alone on a mat.

My latest encounter was with someone I like, and wanted to be friends with. It appears their partner doesn’t like that idea, seems insecure and controlling, and maybe transphobic. She doesn’t want to upset her partner.

I had quite a reaction that night. I felt it personally, and anger, frustration, and memories of the past invaded my sleep. Then I felt sorry for her,  because it was not me in this position, it was not me being controlled and manipulated. Not me stuck on a mat, an invisible prison holding me in.

So to that person, I can only say that if you decide to explore life off that mat, know you can count on my support and friendship. You owe your life to you.

As we all do.

Aroha to you all, and may you find better lives beyond the mats and blankets we live on.

 

Geogina