Stressed Out & Progress

 It has been quite a week and a bit. I have lots I want to express, lots to do, and lots I want to do. Time is not really on my side, and time waits for no woman. I knew it waited for no man, and I was kind of hoping that this meant it might wait for women. Another myth busted.

I have tried to keep my mind focused on what I can do, on the balls in play, as  they get juggled by me in the balance of my life. I am a 2-ball juggler, no master of dexterity and timing, and it often shows. That said I do try, the only way to improve because life gives the exam first and the lessons after.

Right now there are two big happenings that are in my juggle, and a number of smaller ones which just seem to complicate the juggle. One of these two big happenings at any one time is plenty for me, and probably for most people. Life happens while we wait.

The first is getting flatmates, which is proving harder than I would like. And time is running short. It is now a week until JO leaves with their wonderful cat. I shall miss the company of both, and thankful for the stability they provided at a time which was very difficult last year. This time is not quite as bad, yet more than a worry.

I have had plenty of interest in the rooms and the lifestyle here. I have had plenty of viewings and words of interest and possible decisions. I have had many pull out, and a few no shows, and some "I will get back to you." I have had a great diversity of the local population. I have been let down by some who were definite "yes" material. 

There is some desperation. I may have one, though this has yet to be approved by the powers that be. It is just another complication in my getting a flatmate. And yes this is in reality an extra layer of protection for me.

I may not always be the best judge of people, look at last year. I suppose that I have been almost normalized to red flags that I try to see the best in people. I have empathy and a desire to help. It makes me vulnerable to problem people. It is not easy for me doing this. The thing I find is that most people have something to hide, even me, because I have a past I am obligated to talk about to these people, and not everyone is comfortable with this.

I was once a man, and I had a mental health crisis created by my inability to safely express who I am and be accepted for it. I had some distorted perspectives, lived multiple lives deliberately, and I hurt people that I cared for. It is not an easy conversation for me, not at all. I do it and hope that people who barely know me can see that I am not that person anymore, that I am a genuine and authentic, compassionate. That I value truth and integrity, and live an open and good life trying to make myself and my bit of this world a little better.

This means I am open to degrees of risk that others may not be. I trust quicker, I am open to people who appear genuine having a second chance, and even a third, because not all of us have made good decisions or have been been lucky about who we have had in our lives. Some people have taken the time to give me help, give me a second chance, and I am so grateful that I want to do the same. 

Maybe it is to early for me to do this.

Yet I am happy in living with kindness, being kind is how I live, how I want to always live. It is more than a virtue, it is the life force of my being. 

Meantime I am running out of letters to name my flatmate plans.

The other tough thing is a good thing, which is quite an adjustment. It is full-time work at a local company not far from me. It is an initial 10-weeks, maybe leading to more. It is an opportunity, and like all good opportunities I will take it as far as I can.

The job started this last week, and it is quite a challenge in many ways. There is the early start, which makes me get up even earlier, the 5-days of work, and the actual work. Being one of two newbies into the department, I have had to learn new tricks, which is something that is not a challenge. My eyesight should improve when the new glasses arrive in a week or so, and that will improve accuracy.

My brain is having to learn sustained focus again. I am good for an hour, and then I start to struggle. I find that some chocolate helps, yet the general fatigue is impacting my focus still. And focus is needed when you are doing highly repetitive tasks that are based largely on dexterity, stamina, and high speed to meet production goals which are evaluated throughout the day. In the little team I am in we have not collectively hit target all week, though we have improved lots.

Part of this is my continuous effort to make things work better, focusing on the team outcome and not the individual. My newbie team mate is appreciative of this as I help her by my approach. And even the more experienced staff who initially resisted a change put on us my management, I have tweaked it further and even they find things are better for them. My philosophy is simple, we work together, nobody has a fixed job, we step up where it is needed, and we keep the flow of work continuously moving. If we have a weaker team member we simply support them to achieve.

I have not met much of the department team, and have started talking to a few, who have been respectful of my trans status. Most are in their 20's, and a wide diversity of cultures. I like the team so far.

The problem is that there is that there is now implied pressure to move to a 10hr shift. Right now that is to much for me. I am just returning to full time work, and this makes enough of a challenge especially when it is very intense. There is also the physical toll, I have a chronic pain condition which I have to manage. The job is hard on hands, arms, shoulders, backs, hips, legs, and feet. And I have all sorts of pains, particularly in my hands.

At night I am tired, and I have fallen asleep in my rocking chair with the cat on my lap several times. Getting to sleep is easier, and I am in bed earlier than I have been. I still have disrupted sleep however, a problem not yet solved. 

 

I have now less time for some of my hobbies and passions. It has been slow progress on a new coffee table. I spend most nights blobbed out until bed, or  falling asleep in my chair. Work is changing everything, including time to meet supports and get PTSD treatment. It is lots for me to take on this job.

Smaller challenges are getting the house ready for change, which includes me changing rooms, a new office and workshop. There has been some events like the flatmate going to hospital in an emergency for a few days stay and surgery. The cat made me their backup care giver, she trusts me and sought comfort in my company all night. And the cat can talk your ears off. There was also a night to see a trans comic author where I missed a ambush of the event by religious nut cases. I could have done with seeing that and peacefully confronting them. Thanks to preparations police and security were on hand.

One plus is that I have found a new board gaming group that has been welcoming and stimulating, where I can indulge myself socially in a fun activity. It is a little thing that is a big thing.

A supportive friend gave me flowers before I started my job, it was really touching. She really is a good friend.

Its a mixed up life right now, and I am looking forward to some stability, a re-balancing, and less stress. 

Aroha to you all,

Geogina