Happy Tired Old Woman, & Some Progress

I feel like a very old women, who has become tired and worn out. I walk with discomfort, the joints hurt, my gait is uncomfortable, and painful, my back feels hunched and curved, and there is pain in every corner of my body.

And yet this is better than the first two weeks of the new job. That was intense, and a real shock to the system. My head hurt, my hands had every pain in every joint. Lucky for me by the end of week #2 I was moved to a special project, which will likely see me with a permanent job.

Work is at a local factory, a very big name. I work in Hardware Dept. which is where many items the company manufactures are assembled and packed. Most of these jobs in our department are relatively simple jobs with extreme repetition and pace to meet target goals of production. The intensity of this can be quite high, and hard on the body, mostly hands, neck, shoulders, back, and feet.

I felt this very hard the first week and a half. Week #1 was the hardest. I worked hard to learn, and provide feedback, always helping out my work partner, another newbie.

My work partner (Mel) and I get on really well. We can have a laugh, we appreciate each others input and support each other. We are a team. And it is a good team. We have skills that complement each other.

So I was then moved to another job, a special project. Why me? Probably I had shown many of my abilities and talents for a start up project that was being majorly updated. I got this ahead of many of the longer term staff, which felt a privilege. I have age, experience, and mechanical and logical aptitude. 

The following week Mel was moved to work with me, so the team was back. And it feels good. 

There is lots to learn, and adapt to. There is a kind of chaos about parts supply. And our work can be disrupted by this. Yet we can work at our pace, accuracy is important, and there are many questions. It keeps my mind active, and I am encouraged to problem solve and provide suggestions and techniques, many of which have been adopted.

Work may leave me tired, often exhausted, yet it gives me lots. I have an organized early morning routine, a happy attitude, and enthusiasm for each new day. The income is handy to.

The extra work I have cultivated cleaning and lawn mowing has also helped out and kept me very busy. My weekends are not all restful, or even week day evenings. And I likely have more of this to come.

The other big event is the arrival of a new flatmate (I still need one more) has moved in. I shall refer to them as 'X'. This has been great for me, somebody that I get on well with. We are both rainbow, both a bit alternative, intelligent, laid back people with a good sense of humour and both caring supportive people. It makes for a harmonious house.

X also came with a cat. She is absolutely adorable, with her cloaked 2-tone face, her smaller size, her curious nature. Still she is very cautious around me. This I am working on, eventually she will see I am a great cat person. I am cat sitting her over Easter weekend, so we shall see how the power of food and company has on her attitude. It is good having a cat around.

I have not had much time for my own projects, and what time I can spare I put into them. There is a coffee table to finish that has taken to long. I have made somethings, and anytime spent making things re-energizes me. The other night I took time out to make a fire in the fire pit and sit with a coffee. That hour of time out was magical, and just what I needed. I am working to get more of my old activities back into my life since I started work.

Right now I have nothing really worth fussing about. That is not to say I have no issues. Issues I have. My head is full of issues, particularly old issues which have grown up with me. I am still undergoing treatment for these, and the discovery process is very enlightening for me. Understanding my past and how it has shaped my thinking and experiences gives me the opportunity to create a happier life. 

One of my issues is loneliness, which I have traced back to my earliest years. Part of it is linked to being a very intelligent child, and I suppose talking like I was a native Glaswegian did not help because most people could not understand me. A father who abandoned us is another factor. I never went to kindergarten, and I often felt the need for adult attention. Being a bit different did not help either, people could tell there was something about me. I expressed myself through art and achievements, things adults appreciated. My life is littered with attempts to get positive attention. So I am looking forward to the treatment which has worked with issues around my own self value.

I am sad to see the reaction of our rainbow community to recent vandalism attempts to various persons, most likely from the same church. I am saddened by the rhetoric and feelings being expressed. Yes the vandalism is bad, all hate based acts are bad just so you know where I stand. Hate is a terrible thing to feel, and it typically comes from fear, especially for a minority interest. Hate is also cultivated by fear to control people. Hate does nothing good for anybody, though historically it is used to target enemies by those in control, to take power from people.

In recent cases hate is expressed as a response to this church by members of the rainbow community. It is sad to see this response because I know it comes from fear, and this fear is not rationale or logical. I know this from experience, I have paid the price for fear relating to being trans. I know hate doesn't work. I know actively fighting against such organisations gives the enemy more attention, more energy that feeds them because they got a bite.

Our community lives with fear, particularly those old enough to remember the bad old days. And there is the trans community, who have another level of fears. Been there on both counts, and lived in those fears long enough. My experience is different to many trans people, I walked a path of fear and it led me to terrible places and choices and actions. 

There is no need to "push back" or defend ourselves. That is fighting. And fighting leads to casualties, and there is always casualties even in words, because seldom does it stop with words. Somebody has to lose for somebody to win, and that may even be on the winning side. Fighting with the enemy is not the way, because fighting never changed the minds of the enemy.

And the thing is rainbow people are so sensitive to feedback or criticism, especially by their own team. Some are so over sensitive that they are drama creators. These people are also not helpful to our cause because they create negative attention. And who likes drama queens who go off all the time, usually to get attention or cover their fears.

Living openly and positively is our way forward. We become an active, supportive, helpful, kind, respected, and reliable people in our communities despite the hate of what is really the few. Living without fear, living in a positive way, willing to meet life's challenges head on has got me through many situations. 

We integrate ourselves with the greater society which is either neutral or supportive. They can change, they will allow us to live. Energy spent here will be productive. Don't give energy to the problem haters. Report them, prod the authorities to action to enforce or create supportive laws, this is positive. Let these authorities fight for us, thats their job. We need to get on living, be examples of kindness and love, voices of reason and logic with a heart. 

As was once quoted by  F.D. Roosevelt, "We have nothing to fear except fear itself". It really is true. We claim our space and live, an act of defiance to the haters, yet a peaceful one.

Yes we will get hate, so keep living. You give in to fear and we lose ground both personally and collectively. We can come back, its not the end of the world, its just harder because fear has already got its foot in the door. If we are actually attacked in word or physically which can happen, then we must get back up, use support if you need it. If you need to make a retreat for actual physical safety then do so. If you can just keep going, living. Live with a little boldness, confidence in yourself and our wider community. Life gets better.

Finally, it is Easter Good Friday, and I have been at work. I had a great day, and the company supplied some chocolate treats, and then lunch made up of Pizza Hut and KFC. I pigged out, and had more for afternoon tea, and took home more for dinner. I have rested up, had a great shower, and sipped cider  all evening. Life is good. I don't have issues at work about my identity or such, people are supportive, and they are regular people.

So it is bye for now. Aroha to you all.

Geogina