Weaponized Emotions & Me

It has been another interesting week where the truth of the world has pushed back, and I am writing the script for Return of the Trans Woman. There has been some good as well, every story has good and bad, it is just right now the bad has eclipsed the good this week. 

So lets for a change start with the good, and celebrate the little wins without which life would become unlivable.

Hot and sweaty cleaning.

I had some extra cleaning, and that was good. I enjoy the cleaning for some reason, I can work at my pace and routine on the job, listening to music, and have the satisfaction of a job well done. There is a rhythm I get into and it allows me to escape the stress and strains of my day. 

I have been a cleaner a number of times in my life. I don't feel degraded by what many consider a job beneath them. I have worked other coal face jobs like this, the sort of jobs most people would never do mainly due to their ego. I treat all such essential work as not only valid, it is essential. COVID lockdowns taught us that, and many have already forgotten. All work is valid the lower it is, same with its importance. It shows much about a persons character how people respond to such work.

I have had some great simple meals. They have been salad based, with either chicken or fish, no heavy carbs like potatoes, rice, or bread. The fewer carbs feels good in this heat, in part because carbs (even ice cream) actually raise internal temperature. I am glad I am listening to my body.

Valentines was a mixed day, and it was made better by having to clean. I have very mixed feeling about Valentines Day. So I got myself a gift, a new power tool. I never gave myself anything at Christmas, I got a single small gift from a friend. And to be honest I needed to recognize the way I have battled through many struggles and disappointments and honour me, show myself some love and appreciation.

I had most of the weekend to myself at home. I spent the time mostly trying to stay on track as I sorted out a new workshop and a new area for the study area. It looks like it will work out as I fine tune the workshop and already I feel more productive. Making a change like this would challenge many. I see being comfortable for to long more a problem because you don't grow, are not reinvigorated. And this change has spurred me into greater productivity and enthusiasm.

I am now an Admin for the WQW (Waikato Queer Women), and our little team had a really good first meeting. It really is nice working with people who are are enthusiastic and caring for the role.

I had a job orientation for applicants at a local large company. It was a great tour, and if I get a job there I know I will enjoy it. I am hopeful because it went well, and it would solve some of my stresses. Fingers crossed.

And now the down sides of late.

First was a discussion where it was revealed to me details of various perspectives and thoughts about me from our queer community. It was a revelation to hear these views because it explains so much.

Apparently some people in our group have thought I was hitting on them. This concerns me because I have certainly not been doing that, especially when I have been openly being involved with other people outside the group. Such spreading of such things is not healthy, and says more about you than me. I have not done anything that should cause such thoughts. No gifts, no over done attention from me. Spreading such thoughts as some have had gives people reputations I don't need or deserve.

Some find me to direct and brutal. I prefer to be that, it is genuine and I am authentic. You can trust people like that. Some of you prefer lies, and more gossip. I am not here for such games and I don't want to be dragged into them.

My physical size is a factor, which becomes an issue for people with man issues in particular, and those with massive personal spaces or trust issues. I am not sure how to answer this really. These are "you" issues not "me" issues. If you have problems either challenge your thinking and/or communicate with me, and maybe get professional help. Mind reading is not a reliable way to let me know. My ability to interpret your non-verbal cues may also not be reliable, especially situationally.

Some women have experienced trauma, and again, seeing me as a male is a "you" issue. Something I observed was that although consciously some women were acknowledging me as a female, there behavior and body language said otherwise. I have been through some trauma and I have taken advantage of many services to help me through things. We are each responsible for our own thoughts and beliefs. Therapy is often not easy, and I know it can be painful and triggering. Been there and done that, and I know how worthwhile it can be. In fact I am still in therapy, and making good progress. Being free of the past in the present is worth the effort.

There also appears to be some bias with what stage of my physical "conversion" makes me (and I presume others like me) a woman. Trans women who have not had all the surgeries are a lesser woman, while those who have had all the surgeries are accepted as women. This I have experienced, and even heard talked about. My own experience with this is that there is a real lack of appreciation of what life is like for trans people. There is a lack of understanding of the mental health issues we face, and many of these are created by the communities reactions to us. 

It is the daily micro things that can wear you down, we have to be tolerant of the world trying to change without an appreciation of the prolonged tolerance we have to endure. I gave up correcting people regularly some time ago, it takes to much energy, and the blood pressure just goes up. CIS people never experience these things. I now get why trans people are often in the company of other trans people now, because only another trans person is likely to really appreciate our shared experiences.

There is a qualifier for this, there has to be a level of maturity and life experience.

This leads me into the latest downer, my eviction from a trans support group for being to "advanced", to honest, and to direct. And guess what, it made two people feel "unsafe", "invalidated". 

I kid you not. 

This is a facilitated group run by a professional group from their Tauranga office with a satellite program in Hamilton. There are a few very immature people who like to create drama and offense, playing the victim. It is acknowledged that I have been through much more life than these people, and therapy with very good insight, and a willingness to challenge myself. Some in the group find me inspiring, and obviously some find me challenging their BS a problem, or explaining a perspective they don't like. 

Group work is not just about supporting people, it is about challenging people and learning to take feedback. Not in this case, they are paid for bums on seats, and losing me keeps two others. Even today when giving some feedback nicely to the facilitator they had to continuously defend the decisions they made and the group behavior. Thats not accepting feedback, that is throwing it back in my face to avoid acknowledging their own behavior. So much for professionals. I have more psychological experience than a number of professionals these days.

This is the second group as you will know that has evicted me for being "unsafe" and cannot back it up with any facts or logic. It appears that it is the new weapon of choice to remove people from groups, because I know of another case of recent that doesn't involve me where this method was used.

Human interaction is complex, even for those who may not have many of the issues that people in the rainbow community may have, and never mind the higher rates of neurospicy people on the spectrum in our community. We are a group that is very broken, not as united as we might appear. This is a shame considering that as a marginalized group we should be more accepting and understanding towards each other. Instead  we behave just like wider society more than we would like to admit.

I personally do what I can where I can, trying to pick winnable battles where the outcome is greater understanding and communication. 

I have a piece of art I recently created acknowledging the struggle to be me which is my life. Along the bottom it says "War creates casualties." It is an acknowledgement of the people in my past, and even present, that have become casualties of my own survival struggle. It is a reflection that is the struggle to survive worth it all? How much better it would be if we changed or opened our minds, communicated more effectively, that the world, even our own small worlds, would be a better place, and there would be support and understanding, and acceptance of each other as the valid and fragile human beings we all are.

That is not my world, and yet it is something I strive for, yearn deeply for. Peace. Not just mine, yours too. I don't want to create casualties, and I don't want to fight for equality every day. And I don't want to be the victim of you feeling "unsafe", yet if I resist I get tarred and feathered as the perpetrator. I can't win if you do this to me, or allow it to happen and do nothing about it. And the thing is we can all win if we stop fighting to survive or compete, and unite, appreciating our differences, and allowing ourselves to heal.

Aroha all,

Geogina