Inside Me, The Questions

It has been an interesting few weeks, and interesting is simple sarcasm. I have a mind that unfortunately runs a parallel track of sarcasm which I normally filter out and settle for direct responses. The funny thing is that both upset people. 

The thing is I cannot seem to find a more nuanced style that doesn't lead to white lies or BS. I am a very open person, and I often let you know where you stand with me. For others this is to much, yet it is the authentic me. I once lived a life of many big lies, and I never want to go down that road again.

There have been many things happening, and some realisations. A friend I am becoming distant from is a good example. It was a varied discussion recently where it was revealed that they consciously accept me as a woman, they subconsciously react to me as a threatening man. Yes it is sad for them, and yet I suspect that would fit a number of people I know. This also fits with the women's gaming group issue.

So I have to ask what is it about me, how I behave, body language, talk, etc., that makes women see me as a man, even if subconsciously?

I cannot help my height which dwarves many CIS women. If it seems overbearing or threatening I actually try to minimize my height, I stoop and don't wear high heels to accentuate it.

If it is how I move, well I am not sure what about it you see. I usually try to walk softer, slower, feminine. I walked as a man for near 50 years so there will be things I don't see.

Is it my interests? No idea. Yes I work with wood, and that might seem traditionally male, yet I have worked with wood more as a woman in 5 years than I did as 50 years a male. I make mostly art and things a woman might be interested in, and so far most of my customers are women. I do other art, draw, paint, some digital stuff, write, and I enjoy flowers and gardening. These things never interested me as a man, yet as an independent woman I am interested.

Perhaps it is my attitude to many things where I am undaunted by many things women seem to be less confident about? I met a woman earlier this year who does almost all the work on her cars, something that I intend to try more of as I know only a little like an old fashioned oil change. Replacing a water pump for my wipers is a challenge I am up for, she was inspiring. Walking into places I don't worry about men, I don't take abuse, I stand my ground, and I have a nasty streak if you ever really push beyond boundaries. Is it that confidence, or the fact that some females look to my male side for various things? Any ideas, because I have none. My life took me places where I learned to be outwardly tough to survive, and where I had to fight to survive in ways many would have no idea about.

Is it that my experiences in life threaten yours? I know what it is like to suffer violence and live in fear of it daily. I fear some men, much like women do. I have suffered sexual assault and harassments, and abuse of varying kinds, most just as a woman faces. When I say I know what it is like to be a woman, I often see in their eyes the disbelief, and even that I am diminishing their experiences. I am not, I am validating them, expressing empathy through relating that I understand. I once was the mother and father of my daughter, raising her the first first 6-years, so I know about that experience too.

Why is it that I cannot seem to create any type of relationships with CIS women?

And then there is friends. Apart from a couple, where are the others? Why is it me that has to initiate the friendship, initiate communication, initiate activities? How many of you are in my life? Right now I am in yours occasionally. Thats how it feels. I know what I bring to your life, what do you bring to mine? When do you reach out to me?

To direct? Hurt? Make you angry?

Imagine how I feel.

Because right now most of my friendships are not nourishing me. My social calendar is very open, my dance card non-existent, and my chats with you are as shallow as my spilled cola drink.

I reach out and try, and yet I don't know why I keep trying with many of you.

People wonder why I risked with a woman overseas, and to be honest I got more from being scammed by her. 

Right now I have been in pain more days than not with a chronic pain condition which has no treatment short of drugs they don't let you have outside hospital. Everyday is a physical battle, some days there is no way except literally stumbling about, doing only the most basic of things. I do my best.

This week I had to fill in some hospital pre-operation forms. I could not write in that I had any support to get there, or home the next day, or any basic care I may need. I managed to find one person the next day, so I suppose I am lucky. Yet I could not think of anybody I could count on when I filled in that form.

Do you even know what it is like to be in proximity with a friend and not allowed or encouraged to communicate? That is my life right now. 

Let me not go into discrimination applying for jobs because I am transgender.

Times are tough, really tough for me. Money tight, and problems are not easing off. 

I recently had to renew my drivers license. Because of a 11 month battle with Internal Affairs that is on-going. I don't have a new birth certificate, so I had to have my old name. That sucked. My license has to have my old male name, in full. I can't just have the initials of my first two names (although I can when they address mail to me with the new card). No, old name only. The funny thing is that I can choose to have myself listed on my license as a Female. Weird? When I finally get the new birth certificate I have another $32.20 to get the name sorted. I will withhold my sarcasm here, you can imagine it.

MSD sent me a txt for an appointment. I can guess what about. They set the appointment for a Thursday morning. The txt arrived in the afternoon of that day. Now every time I call them I am shut out because my problem is not urgent enough. Insert more sarcasm. They are also blocking me getting job seeking assistance. Insert more sarcasm.

I am struggling, at times overwhelmed. I am tackling things as I can. I am not feeling connected to this world, and that scares me.