Neurospicy, Me, & Depression
The following blog entry is different from normal. There is a reason why, so read on and find out more. The fact that it is a bit all over the place is symptomatic of my current state.
Part #1
It seems I have lived my whole life realizing I was different, just not realizing how much. Yes, being trans is one major part of that, and yet it is not all of me. Because like everyone I am more than my identity. I am how I function, how I think and process.
It was recently pointed out to me that I am neurospicy, something that sounds sexier than neurodivergent. And once it was explained to me what it was, and the behavior I exhibit all the time, I started to realise that I most likely was neurospicy.
And the thing is that several people in my life have recognized and concluded this.
All my life I had this feeling I was different, in part because I seemed to experience life differently. I see things different, I have very different understandings, non-standard means of doing things and problem solving, different types of insight. Then there is behavior. Oh boy. My compulsion for perfection, obsessive focus, goal setting, and so much more.
I am neurospicy, somewhere on the autism scale. This doesn't bother me, in fact it explains so much about my life. I don't need a diagnosis, it comfortably fits me.
Having said all this some of you might now recognize some of the neurospicy aspects of me. Feel free to point them out.
For me this is all part of my journey to find myself, understand how and why I tick, and recognize the strengths and weaknesses of the real me. Because being neurospicy I have certain strengths, some of which I already recognize. I have used some of them for years. And so it is with weaknesses. With awareness comes the ability to mage these things.
Actually, being neurospicy feels good, many of the people in my life are also that. It explains why we get on.
Part 2
ME is a struggling person. Right now there is okay days and not good days.
I am not sleeping well even if the cat makes me go to bed earlier, and yes the cat does this. It is hard to ignore her when she starts demanding bed time. Once in bed she jumps on to the bed for cuddles and pats. I certainly am not in charge.
The weather is highly changeable so my fibromyalgia regularly plays up. In fact I would say that I am in pain every day to some degree.
The fatigue caused by the fibro and the lack of good sleep means I need several naps a day right now, the record is 5 in one afternoon. At this rate I am becoming a cat.
There are days when I just can't apply for jobs. Most days seem to start with a few rejections, and after that I may not feel like applying that day. The rate of rejection is 100%, and when you face that every day it can be hard work motivating to keep trying. I know why many reject me, and being trans is not it.
The funny thing is that I actually feel that the powers that be will not support me because of a single word, "associate". This one word is being interpreted in a way no dictionary agrees. It means to them the same as "interact" and "see" and "potential" all at once. Which is really funny because if I work for myself and have the same circumstances it is okay. A safer situation working as part of a team is not okay.
I just can't make sense of it. I need help. So I have decided to challenge them on this word, associate, because I feel it is being used incorrectly and to my disadvantage. It will be like beating my head against a wall with the government department involved. I have been down similar roads before with them.
My motivation levels are regularly low, and I find myself easily without focus or motivation. Each day I spend way to much time finding motivation and managing to focus on the priority jobs.
I am feeding myself and such, though at times the quality is really not there. Cooking for myself only can be a real chore.
I have other worries as well, and I really don't want to go into them here. Suffice to say it is a factor in my general well being.
I have withdrawn some, and thats not a good sign either. I feel isolated and alone, a feeling not new to me. I have heightened anxiety levels, sustained, and that is also not a good sign.
My best day was over a week ago at a ladies game group, where I relaxed and laughed hard. And that night I was treated to a roast chicken meal cooked for me, and it was very good.
It really is a battle to find good days. The cat is a blessing, and we have conversations, cuddle, and the routine of looking after her helps. It doesn't help when the cat disappears for a day or so. Basically I worry. The cats vocabulary is limited some days, and has a foul mouth.
I try to use the workshop to do things to keep me busy. I have even managed to build a skywalk in the lounge for the cat, who is missing in action again.
I have managed to watch season #1 of the Jack Reacher TV show, and enjoyed it. I want to watch Doctor Who and can't seem to as my anxiety goes crazy. I am part way into a jigsaw which is a nice distraction.
So many triggers seem to be happening.
Part #3
Well the powers that be have made a U-Turn, and now they are being more supportive. Its a surprising change, and I appreciate the opportunities this gives. It still won't be easy getting work, just gives me more options.
I got further support from another part of the organisation. Now I feel some support, and it makes a difference. Feeling support gives me energy.
A good friend I have been helping lately took me for a walk around the lake. What a stunning day. Even the strong breeze was welcome. It what I needed, company and exercise in nature. I hate doing these things by myself. So I invited them to dinner, and I cooked the best meal I had made in over a week. Having company made such a difference.
The cat returned at 1am that night. Not impressed, and yet I welcomed her home and up to bed for a cuddle.
The next day I had a good start, and then I found myself waiting for somebody who was going to visit. Can't say I was impressed as it upset plans and they failed to use their phone to keep me updated. And besides, I had wanted to catch up with her.
This is where the jigsaw really helped as I immersed myself in it, making slow, steady progress. I find peace in puzzles, focus, a challenge. I get lost in them, nothing else matters. Great for calming anxiety.
Later after groceries I had a building idea, and at 8:30pm I crank up the grinder with a special new attachment. It is noisy, and there is sawdust everywhere. Its like instant white out. I am the noisy one on our street. I learn lots about this shaping cutter. I also learn the outside will be easier to cleanup.
Next day is a free eye test, and the news I really need glasses. The good part was that a trans-woman was the optometrist, very helpful and thorough. Choosing frames was the next big dilemma, oh the choices.
Next I forget a meeting. Bugger.
After a rest I bet the new tool back outside and carve away the wood. Sawdust everywhere, even through the open car window! Still the progress is good, and with some sanding, hot air gun, and polyurethane, the end product I am happy with.
That night the cat is super clingy, keeps very close, even tries cleaning my hair. This cat has been my savior. She has kept my sanity, made me laugh, feel I have company, and given me purpose.
JO is back in the morning. Normal life returns maybe.
End
As you can see from this story my life right now is erratic, highs and lows, moments of clarity, distortion, failing memory, self focus, the odd moment of peace, and a connection with a cat I have not had like this before. There are days of struggle with health and mental health issues, and days where I find joy in the little things. My anxiety is all over the place. My ability to keep the boat afloat and sailing is barely happening.
Yet despite the effects of my mental health I am able to keep going, I am a survivor. I come from a family of women who have survived worse.
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