When The World Defines You By Your Past

With the end of my job earlier this week I have taken time to reflect on my current situation. And it is a very important situation as my income vs costs is not in balance. In short I desperately need a new income stream.

I was quite upset when I got notice that  my programed support with the job was at an end. I had hoped to go all the way to Christmas while I looked for work. Fear was the basis for anger and many other emotions, unemployment fears I have suffered before. 

Over my life I have suffered a number of redundancies, most leading to long term unemployment of over a year. The effect these have had on me has truly scarred me, leading to all manner of mental health issues from anxiety, depression, and some really negative thinking about myself and the world. Each time it happens I have to battle through mental health issues, and now is no different.

My major problem is that right now I have a difficult past event that I have to talk with employers about with each application. It is not easy. In fact it is downright hard and emotional.

Because in this case employers are confusing and defining me by a past that is no longer me and is over 10yrs ago. And this will basically go on for most of my working life.

Being defined by some of the things you have done long ago when I was literally another person feels often overwhelming. I have changed, have grown, and my life is both open and good.

The trouble is history is not.

I have been applying for work doing many things. The trouble is many employers want to define me by the actions of my past, even if unrelated to the job. Some say this is the consequences of my past, and I in part accept that. Yet how will my life go forward when I am defined by part of my past, held in a moment of time 10 years ago?

And this is my problem. For some my past is beyond redemption, while others have varying reactions, mostly not positive.

The people in my life, the ones that matter, know my past, and they love and care and support me still. These are the most important people in my world. They have witnessed the changes. I have trust and faith in me. I have rebuilt my integrity and honor. 

What I have to keep in mind is that there are three people who may not have recovered their lives as I have. That, I can't let go of. Thats for me to remember. If I keep that point directly behind me then I am moving in a good direction.

However, unlike Doctor Who, I don't get a fresh start with a new series, show runner and writers. I have a whole new life, look, name, interests, and more. Yet I have to drag my past along. And I will be forever judged for it.

This is something that is going to take some time to adjust to. Time to build a new history. And maybe one day nobody will really care. Maybe.

The hard part to deal with is the rejection. It is that simple. It feeds old thought patterns which induce depression. And each day is a new battle. Some days I win, and some days not. I am in no danger, I have reasons to keep going that are very strong.

So if you don't see me about, or hear from me, give me a shout, you may make a real difference in my day.

PS. If you have work I can do let me know.