When Quiet Is Really Loud

It has been almost 6-weeks since my last update. Lots has been happening over this time, some good, some not. I know for me that going quiet is me screaming for help. In this case I was mostly quiet with the world outside a couple of people.

There are reasons I go quiet. Overwhelmed, depression, suffering fibromyalgia, fear, embarrassed, feeling weak or rejected, and sometimes I am holding back rage or biting my tongue. There are other reasons such as keeping some things under my hat, which I have done a bit of late because I am avoiding conflict.

Of all the above reasons I am going through many of them. 

After the failure of two flatmates and the bills and stress, the arrival of my friend JO, who has been a much needed relief. I often hold things together in a crisis and then fall flat in the aftermath. That is what has been happening. The two crisis were way to close together. And without details, they were real crisis.

The seasonal change has bought on the fibromyalgia. This is a pain in the butt, and every other part of my body. Migraines, ache and painful body, temperature is out of alignment, and it saps your strength of body and spirit. I love seasonal change.

I have been feeling a disconnect with the world, and at times even myself. It is a funny sensation. I have at times experienced disassociation episodes, mostly for short periods. Lately this has been a bit more regular. And yes I have help on this. It can be very disconcerting. I am not sure why I go through this, and it may be stress related, not sure yet. In the past I have discovered that I am capable of many things even when asleep, and I have no memory of these things.

I have not made it to many RAINBOW community events for a few months. Actually just one. I have only been once to my favourite store that I would visit several times a week in the last 3-weeks. I have not connected with some people either. I am missing something. When I went to Bunnings, my favourite shop, I felt lost and unsure what was wrong. I was not sparking. Even a trans support group has a disconnect, I am just feeling that the younger generations have no idea and that I am to old. Who wants the thoughts of somebody old?

Finances have been tight to, not something most would admit I know.

There are other things I won't talk about outside one or two people, so if I skip a subject in conversation there are reasons. I can say it is having an effect. An example is that for weeks I have not slept in my own bed, instead sleeping on the couch in the office. The sleep is not good, and the fibromyalgia doesn't like it either.

Lastly I have to find a new job, pronto. Tuesday is my last day at the café. This has put me under lots of stress, and contributes to many things above no doubt. It was a bit unexpected the loss at this point, and it made me angry, the third time I felt badly done by the café management. So it has been a mad scramble looking for work, even walking town cold calling. 

It is draining, and there are days I can't apply for jobs because I have run out of gas in the emotional tank. It is a battle to overcome the rejection, which historically has been quite a trigger for me, and I still feel it. At that point I need time out. Job hunting does my head in.

What have I been doing about all this? Self care.

 

I have finished two big projects in the workshop, and both I am proud of. I have found it hard to do these both, yet I have pushed myself to do them because I know it helps me in many ways. One of my next projects I am planning right now is a birthday present, a rather unique one for a unique person. This will be a special project as I will be working in many different media like wood, glass, metal, electrical. Planning this is proving fun.

I made a very special lasagna on the weekend. I managed to motivate myself to make my own pasta as well, a first for me. The process of doing this and making it so big and tasty was a great exercise of challenging myself and exceeding my expectations. Oh was it good. It lasted three nights, each with two big servings that really left us full. And a note, I don't have a pasta machine, it really was done all by hand.

I am not watching TV at the moment, not really sure why, it just is for now. My mind is elsewhere.

A friend popped down from Auckland for a visit, and I must say that was a great time catching up with him. 

I have not been walking, or doing yoga. I have played a few board games, and that is good. 

I have been been talking to the flatmates cat, playing with it, and developing a closer bond. I am sure the cat knows something is up, and she has been spending more time with me during the day and night. The cat has been a definite help mental health wise.

 

And that is where life is right now. I am not sure what else to say to be honest. This is just a complex chapter in an epic saga, and I have more chapters to write. Right now I don't need any more struggles before Christmas, though I can think of one on the horizon.

Today is today, yesterday is gone, and tomorrow will have to join the queue of things I am dealing with.