And Then When Things Go Wrong To Go Right

The last blog post was some time ago, and there are reasons. And those reasons have created a really big splash and many tidal wave ripples that I have had to go through, and this has required me to take time to adjust, process, and rest.

As I have mentioned before I am calm and problem solving in a crisis, and then I fall apart as the new normal starts. And that is happening now as fatigue catches upon me, a bit like interest on your over used credit card.

Well with the end of my last post everything was all going very well, particularly with the flatmate AB. I was having a very busy time and I did not read the signs well because lies were involved. I honestly never saw what happened coming.

 

It was a busy time for me, I was out lots. Almost felt like I was in full time employment or something like that. I was flat out and enjoying life. Living was good. Perhaps I should have suspected that meant that something was wrong.

You see one night AB with her "Uncle's" help left with much of her limited stuff saying she was going to visit her dad, something I had expected as she had mentioned it a number of times in the 3-4 days prior. It was still weird, and something was not right.

Next day the house felt empty again. It was disconcerting as I had adjusted to the extra person. Now I felt on my own, and I was not comfortable. I like company.

Strangely enough that issue was solved when a friend needed time away from their place and flatmate. JO accepted my offer to crash as long as they needed to. And over the next few days we discovered that we were actually good company. JO and I are alike in many ways, we both live from our hearts, experienced many similar things, both rainbow people, and and some shared and similar interests. I am older by 15 years, and yet I feel we are equals.

And then things went wrong, and I was left stunned and shocked. Maybe that is not severe enough sounding, because I really could not compute my world. I was overwhelmed briefly. And only briefly because then I started getting angry because my world was under threat.

The news was that AB had left, and that she had said with her "uncle" some very horrible untruths that threatened my world if things went more pear shaped. 

This was the day before my birthday, and I suddenly did not care. I got messages to people who needed to know, hitting the alarm bells. Crisis management was taking over.

I won't go into details about this situation further than this. All I will say is that I am confident in my actions and behavior, that the truth of the matter did not match what was being said.

Suffice to say it put quite a raincloud over my birthday. It took lots of effort to manage my thoughts and feelings, and I am very grateful for the support JO provided in helping keep my birthday plans on track. I had gone to lots of effort to create both a space and the catering.

There was a surprise visit by my sister who drove down from Whangarei to be with me a few hours in the late afternoon. It was really a great mood lifter, I had not seen her since Christmas, so this was a big deal. It would have been nice if she could have stayed longer, yet I am grateful for the effort she made to travel long distance for a few hours.

The sad part was that few others would be attending, everyone seemed to be busy, or unable to travel. A few had not replied. It was disappointing. It was more thoughts and feelings to manage. Disappointment can trigger many unhelpful thoughts at times like this. My head can find its way to very unhelpful thinking if I don't actively manage the thoughts my mental health can start a downward spiral.

There was six of us, and everything went well. My firepit BBQ worked well; my catering and cooking worked, and overall things worked nicely. In the end there were 3 of us that were there for the cake, a pavlova I thank JO for. The three of us had good conversation into the evening.

The next day saw a meeting with the landlord who had been dragged into this situation by AB and her "uncle" through the allegations. He had swallowed the lies hook and all, and it was shocking. He did not seem to want to hear about what had been happening. By the time I had finished there was plausible doubt. Some days that is called breaking even, and sometimes that is good enough.

Though I was not. I consulted my sister, who has experience and knows people, and I found out my rights. They had been violated. So I sat on things for a day, then communicated with the landlord. It felt better stating my position.

In this process I realised that part of my situational problem around many things in my life was caused by, wait for it, drag queens. This is going to seem controversial, especially to some rainbow people, yet there is a logic to it that can't be denied in my situation.

Drag queens cause problems in my life because society doesn't understand the difference between a trans woman and a drag queen. This is coloured further by the over sexualized image of a drag queen here in New Zealand. The examples are those most adults see in places like K'Rd and similar places in our biggest cities, and drag shows. The image projected is one that to some degree confirms what the wider public believe, that trans woman are also highly sexualized, and creates confusion about what is a trans woman.

This has meant that I have to do lots of explaining (and yes it is "have to") about who I am and my sexuality and sexual needs or issues. Basically I have to talk about stuff I should not have to explain, yet I have to. I have to justify myself all the time because people are confused by so many things, including drag queens who are the closest thing they can relate to. There is insufficient data about trans people, so I have to repeatedly take on systems to explain why I don't fit their models which are designed around men, and the images of drag queens.

I have to explain that I am demi-sexual, somebody who only desires to be sexual within a relationship of somebody I love. They sort of get it, yet I am still treated like a man with uncontrolled testosterone. 

I have to explain that the chemical cocktail I have twice weekly has changed me in so many ways. The very lowest of testosterone levels, often lower than your average woman, mean I actually don't have sexual desires and thoughts. This is not uncommon for trans people, that chemical change also has effects on the brain, and the impacts of this mean that sexual desire and thoughts also change.

Some trans have higher sexual drive, yet in my experience this is often for them a way to find confirmation and acceptance of their identity, you want to feel accepted and loved, and sex is often wrongly used for this. I have experienced this over the years, and it is not a helpful way to live.

I have to explain that my needs for intimacy are also different. I need hugs and cuddles, touch in a consensual non-sexual way. These are actually basic needs that everybody has. Yet somehow these get muddled up with other peoples ideas of sex, and that is just frustrating. It means I am confused as a man in denial of my sexual needs that are expected of me, of the man I am not.

I am now 55, I am no longer a man. I am not oversexualized in how I dress or behave. Sex is not on my mind. I am not sexually frustrated or in denial. Wearing a mini skirt means nothing except to people who have over sexed minds. I am perfectly normal for somebody in my position. And yes, I am comfortable in this state of being, about my identity and such. I am not a monster dressed up as grandmother.

Rant over. I should not have to have these battles, yet I do.

On the plus side, JO is moving in, and has their cat with them. This solves the crisis of getting a flatmate and the financial crisis. It would be nice if the two previous flatmates coughed up the owed money.

JO and I get on so well. The cat has introduced a happy atmosphere into the house. My interactions with Missy are limited, yet each one brings out the child in me. I have not had pets around for years, and it feels great. I will often play with her, and have built some things for the cat. It feels good and right.

There are other little and not so little issues I have had to deal with. It has been a unending series of dramas in my life and now I want time out, because my body is crashing from fatigue. And I am listening to my body, trying to recharge and manage all the issues I have.

I want a few months without drama, where things don't get into crisis or high stress because I need to find peace and rest. Some understanding by others would be nice. All I know is that I am much more capable than the old me, the me that hid for years as a male. Now I can overcome anything. As a woman I have found myself, and I am happy.

There are still ripples that some are trying to make into waves, and this just slows my healing and recovery down because I have to continually justify my decisions and actions that others don't understand. My mistake riddled history means there is for many always doubt about me. This to is frustrating because this will be the case for the rest of my life. My past will never be allowed to be completely in the past. Who I now am, how I live, etc, seems to not matter. I live openly and honestly, and still I am doubted without basis of fact. I am judged continually. People always looking for ulterior motives.

It takes me back to some words from the book of 'The English Patient'.

We die containing a richness of lovers and tribes, tastes we have swallowed, bodies we have swum up as if rivers of wisdom, characters we have climbed into as if trees, fears we have hidden in as if caves.    I wished for all this to be marked on my body when I am dead.   I believe in such     cartography - to be marked by nature, not just to label ourselves on a map like the names of men and women on buildings.   We are communal histories, communal books.   We are not owned or monogamous in our taste or experience.

All I desired was to walk upon such an earth that had no maps.

 

On more positive notes I have two pieces of art on display at a local gallery. By all accounts they have been well received for the brutal honesty of my experiences I have managed to present through them. It is a nice feeling.

And I have discovered that my local Bunnings store makes not only a great Mochaccino, it is also the largest and cheapest in town. And it is just down the street. Some days a good mocha is enough to cope.

Aroha to you all, may your lives contain peace and joy,

Geogina