Why I Blog

Why do I blog?

Some may think it is for attention, or that I want sympathy. There are many other accusations I have had. It is none of these.

So why do I blog?

It is simple really, it is communication. It is also therapy, a pressure relief, and a way for me to monitor myself, and hopefully it lets people know they are not alone and maybe inspire just one person. I helps people understand what I experience, and slowly what I have experienced and how it has affected me.

Most of my life I have had to shield and hide who I am and what I think. Communication was not encouraged because the consequences were severe, and that is not just a perception. My reality was different to most. What I experienced, what I saw, had a great effect of silencing me, partly because I was so traumatized that my brain tried to hide it from me. It is why my mother tried to take special care of me when I was very young because she knew. 

Being trans was a whole different thing. I could not talk about that. It hurt people, confused them, made them fearful. These were the dark ages of ignorance in a rural NZ cities and towns. The age of enlightenment was decades away, and I have had flat earthers and the equivalent of the old church of those times which had rejected me and took enforcement actions making life difficult. I learned not to communicate, to hold it all in, everything, until periodically I exploded with behavior that the world finds unacceptable.

 

Exactly 11 months ago today I arrived in Hamilton. For the previous 9 1/2 years my primary and sometimes only means of communication was by letter. Yes, letter, hand written, up to 8 a week to the people that remained in my life. Phone calls were in the early days not common, primarily because there was lots of competition for a phone and little time to use it. No e-mails, no texts or cell phones. In fact it was 4-years since a hug, or seeing a friend. I had been out 5-years at that point, and initially communicating that had to be secret.

 

 

I also started some writings and drawings which few have seen. This was when added to a rather unique style of letter I developed, how I started really communicating. Open and honest, I realised that if I did not talk like this I would be doomed to repeat the mistakes of a life time. I had to be very open and honest with others to keep myself accountable, to ensure I was being honest with myself.

This blog is now an extension of a 7-year diary written daily, 9 1/2 years of letters, and some books I am writing. It allows the people closest to me to keep up with what is happening, how I am doing, am I coping. It is a group letter of sorts. For me it works.

It also works as therapy, something I can do for myself. I can see what I am thinking, how I am seeing things, check on myself. As I type I can reflect, and come up with new thoughts. Again, this works for me.

Not many really appreciate all I experience and face, it is a unique experience in total. My health is something that not everybody can appreciate. There is the Fibromyalgia side, the diabetes, and the trans stuff. Then the mental health is many past traumas that I would not wish on anybody, various levels and forms of depression, anxiety, and pills to try and stop me killing somebody, me! I am a survivor of multiple attempts and I am unsure why I am alive, maybe this is why. I have panic attacks, mental shut downs, mood swings. Some of this is PTSD, and I have been in therapy 2 years now for the many PTSD alone. Some days really are fun. NOT!

In the early version of this blog I even videoed a panic attack so people might understand what the down times are like sometimes. It can be very raw, yet very real.

My trans experience has been part of this. I hope that it might help others see that you can have these issues and work through them. I will be happy if it helps one person. Being trans really is a unique experience, one CIS people really do not get. It is hard enough for us, we don't know why, just that this is our path, and that it gives us different experiences. I want to share that because many in this world have issues. It makes me a minority of a minority. 

You can even read and see my successes, what I do, where I go.

So I blog here for many reasons, and you will see I post relevant stuff on my Facebook page. This is me being me now, fully, completely, sincerely. If it helps me and anyone reading it be closer or make our lives better then that is great.

Aroha all,

Geogina