Life, The Universe, & Everything = 54 x 1

It has been a while, and about a week since I did that FB story instead of here. And it has been quite a time, from the highs of Sunday, to the lows of Sunday night, and more in between since then.

My last FB post mentioned that CB was on her way here, on a jet plane. It was a massive high point, everything seemed on track, life's plan was going ahead, everything seemed to be finally coming right.

Except...it wasn't.

I won't go into the details of this, it is not necessary. What does matter is that she is not here, and is unlikely to ever be. When I found out what was happening t was a massive shock in how it was presented, and somehow life felt like I had jumped to an alternative reality. It wasn't, it was very real, and I went into a state where I felt myself shutting down as I tried to manage the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing.

I have often found that in times like these I do shut down, allow myself to manage the moment at whatever level I can, to stay functioning, and allow myself to process things in bite sized pieces. That is of course how you eat an elephant, one bite at a time. This is what I did for a few hours.

A very old friend called when his text enquiry got a rather sad answer. His timing was good, I needed to talk this through with somebody, and here was a good opportunity with a good friend. We don't keep in close contact like we once did, yet we are there for each other. Talking it through I realised that I had not shut down at all, I was still fully functional despite the heartache, the emotional distress, etc. I was calm, working through my new reality, and still able to function fully.

What I realised was that I had been partly prepared for this, that I was also a much stronger person than say early this year. I had grown and changed for the better. Right now when I was both physically and emotionally at very low points, and physically a very low point, I was surviving and had my head above water. I did not feel I needed to reach out for help, I could handle this.

After this I started getting back into normal evening activities, not to distract my mind, I was working through my trauma while I did normal house hold jobs which still needed doing. Putting these off would only contribute to more negative thoughts and feelings tomorrow, and doing them would address tomorrows potential burdens.

Another old friend rang, and he was in far worse shape than me. I listened to him for a few hours, he needed to talk. This was really good for me, putting my issues in anew perspective, and able to see how much better I was coping. When I told him my issues at the end he seemed happy to keep his issues rather than swap.

It was now very late, I was exhausted. I could not face making the bed, nor could I face sleeping in it. The bed had her name and mine on the headboard, the sheets and things I had ready were those I had gotten for her. Right now this was not my bed, and a week later I have left it untouched and I barely go in my own bedroom. Right now it still has dreams and memories of a life that has not happened, and I need to resolve that before I get into it.

So my bed since then has been the couch part of the couch-bed in the spare room/come office. Which has been rather comfortable until last night, and that was due to my fibromyalgia playing up again this week. The stress levels and the topsy turvy weather and exhaustion have contributed to this.

I believe I am still doing wee a week later. I have focused on getting stuff done that needs doing, starting to settle with a new flat mate, some extra work, and finally taking timeout just for me and nobody else. This last part I need more of for sure. This is time for me to heal, regather my physical and mental energies, and most importantly keep being me, honest and sincere with myself and the world. Being myself and knowing that I am a good person trying to live a good life and make the world just a little better place is my healing.

It was not great weather today, and I resolved to start doing the things I loved doing for me, by myself as is usual lately. It was a late start, yet I got myself walking to and part way around the lake before the sky dropped a ton of water on the already flooding lake area. Lucky for me I was very close to the lake café, and made my way in, just as had so many others. I decided on a very tasty chicken/cranberry/brie pie and a large mocha. There were no spare tables inside, and a slightly older couple invited me to share their table. We struck up a nice conversation, and when the weather cleared I continued my journey, this time back the same way to home. 

Again the weather seemed to want to drench me, and I found myself sheltering with a woman my age and her adult son. Again I can thank the rain as we made much of the opportunity to talk. And it really was special, the woman gave me a long hug, sensing I think my need for one. It felt very special. I needed it.

The weather turned wet again on my return home, and I decided to do some baking. Nothing fancy, some apple and blueberry pies. I also played around with my ice block recipe and made a new batch.

A trip to Bunnings by car because of the rain, and I got some things to make some shelves in the kitchen. It really is a favourite store. I could walk for hours down isles dreaming and imagining ideas of things to make or inspire me.

At home, and several pies and a wine later, I started work on the shelves. They are simple and effective in design, and should look good up. Building something like this is good therapy.

We decided on an easy dinner, so I baked a great serving of steak cut fries, and enjoyed them with bread & utter, sauce, malt vinegar, and sour cream. Another pie was good to.

During the week I have also had a small celebration for my leaving of the program. It was a special little celebration, reflecting on how far I had come, and what we had learned from the my time there. A gift of a lovely necklace was perfect. I will miss them.

Another event was talking with JM, who never said I told you so, and was just concerned with my well being. Later in the week a video chat with my oldest friend helped as well, and she to never said I told you so, she has always just been there for me, and thats why we are friends. Another meeting with JL was very similar. I felt that they all could see I was coping. I think they could all see I was stronger than anyone thought.

There has been moments of more struggle, many I have tried to avoid where possible. There are music triggers, place triggers, and memories and dreams which repeatedly come to mind. Many I can immediately address, the odd one still causes some hurt. 

And the loss of a relationship real or not is a trauma. Others might not get it, yet it is my trauma. I will recover, that I know. And it will not harden me to the world, for that will shut off opportunities to be me, the me that tries to bring good into this world through how I live. I can only be me, there will be no castle walls built to protect my heart. I will still be me no matter what because it brings me joy, and being me has a purpose, an authenticity I do not want to lose.

There is nothing wrong with me, nothing I lack internally. I just want to keep growing on my journey, and have somebody that wants to grow and share with me. To that extent I am still lonely.

Yet I am not a victim, or merely a survivor. No, I am still growing, still being me, still loving the life I am building. My life is perfect in many ways, and for that I am grateful.

 

From on a high cloud to parachute deployed.

Aroha all,

Geogina

I am Charlotte's loss.