Keeping on track when your track has been taken

 It has been quite a time these last few weeks. And it is having impacts on all aspects of my life. It is not just the emotional response, the thought patterns, , it is manifesting in many physical impacts that I battle each day.

It is a cycle trying to lead me to a really bad result, and it is not fully in control. If I manage to control thoughts and feelings it is the body that is falling apart. And that also works in reverse.

So what has happened is many things, some that put my current lifestyle and location at risk. And there is so much outside my control.

My flatmate has decided to abandon me and leave me with bills. This is bad enough, and yet it gets worse because I have to find somebody new. This is not proving easy because everybody wants cheap, and this place is not. I have had a few bites to the ads I have placed, one viewing, a few who never came, and one who seems to have changed their mind and has not let me know.

The stress is really high, and the stakes are piled above my head. This is my home now, and I have settled, and I have started to make progress. I need a new flat mate or mates fast. It is sink or swim really. Yes, things are desperate.

I do still control all the ex-flatmates stuff, and I have locked her out until she pays up what she owes me, which is getting bigger each day. I have threatened that after a week I shall start selling appliances to recover costs, because her stuff needs to go so I can get somebody new.

This house is not cheap, yet it offers a lifestyle you won't find most places. Selling this idea is not easy when everybody seems to be thinking quality of life is not a priority.

There are other issues, medical ones. My diabetes is out of control and I am moving to injections next week, something which was avoidable unless you have an eating response to stress. And there are side effects from this. I have been losing weight. And it is noticeable. I have dropped another clothes size for pants and skirts. I am starting to fit size#12, and size 14 is looking baggy. 

Now you might say what a white woman problem, you are down to a size#12 while other woman struggle to lose weight. I eat, and I mean eat. I eat everything in sight. I eat fats by the litre, sugars, carbs and proteins galore. I eat like a bear before hibernation.

And yet I am losing weight, and some people are noticing. Something beside diabetes may not be right. My head is consuming energy like a bunch of old fashioned bar heaters in winter trying to heat an uninsulated house in freezing point temperatures. The stress, the constant thinking. The over thinking. The battle to stay balanced or keep getting up each day, or if I get up to then do something productive.

I am tired, not sleeping well. And this week I can't get into my own bed, it is back to the couch. 

With my flatmate going I had to get some new things; a a new fridge/freezer because the space for it is a tricky one; a new washing machine, which has to be a front loader do to the space it fits in; a new queen mattress. These are costs that are biting. They have all arrived, and only the fridge/freezer is setup. The old fridge is now in the lounge cluttering the place and chewing power. That might be first to sell. 

The mattress is packed in the modern style, compressed into a tiny fraction of its full size in a box, raw potential energy awaiting its release. Trouble is it still weighs the same as a full size mattress, and the delivery guy would not help get it upstairs. It is to heavy for me to even slide. It stands right now beside the base of the stairwell. I need help. 

Income is also down. Like I need that. 

There are many other problems, many have financial implications. There are disappointments, and much time to be spent on the phone on hold in a queue hours long. The frustration levels are very high. 

A friend when she heard about my situation commented that she would have fallen apart with the load on my plate. I told her I will do that when I get life back on track. Others have noted my mental resilience and determination while they also note the physical impact which may collapse first.

I also have ongoing fibromyalgia issues.

There are days I struggle. There are days that I rest, playing games on my tablet, Youtube surfing and napping. Some days I struggle to even shower, never mind makeup. 

I do try to tackle a problem each day, though not everyday. It is hard some days to face them. I try to put on makeup to improve mood. I over eat and do include heathy options. I try to exercise either walking or yoga. I try to have some social encounters every week. I talk to some people about some of my issues. I try to keep making things in my workshop. I try to keep myself from spending time depressed, monitor thought patterns, and positive self talk out loud.

Many would not know what I am going through. Many would not realise how over loaded I feel. I am still eating the elephant one bite at a time, though it feels like more elephants have been served up.

Some positive stuff is the new friend who came and cooked a beautiful meal from her home country. What a flavour. And the spice mix made toilet trips the next day an experience. The furniture I am making is looking good, and I have developed more skill, which keeps me busy some days and brings temporary joy. I have had some visits from some of my professional support. Wish it was more friends. 

 

I have tonight had my first bath in about 11-years. It is a big bathtub, long and deep. I gave it bubbles and stuff, filled it deep (18"/450mm), some snacks and drinks, and a tablet, with a podcast in the background. I soaked long, turned pink and wrinkly, and struggled to get out. It felt fantastic. It helped lift me.

 

So much is weighing me down, so many calories keep me going, and some tricks of the mind. It would be nice to have less drama. It would be nice to get a lucky break because I put in the work. It would be nice to have somebody to cuddle up to. It would be nice to get sleep in my bed. It would be nice to have a new flatmate, It would be nice to have more income.

Aroha to you all,

Geogina