A Daily Battle

To look at me I am a health looking specimen of a human being. There is all the working parts, I dress tidy and can often be seen smiling. So what problems might I have? Sure I have regular everyday issues, we all do. I forgot the recycling bin last week, no biggie. I am tight on money, many are and many far worse. My life has been flat out the last two months.

If you see me regularly I probably tell you my issues.

What you may not see is what is happening inside me. In my head, in my body, in my feelings and thoughts. It is mostly invisible, an unseen life.

There are many things you don't see. 

There is the stress levels. You don't see them, or realise how I struggle or manage. As the stress has risen I have reverted to eating sweet things, over eating, and at times I escape to avoid or distract. I even shut down for periods.

What you may not notice is the weight loss, I am now down to a size 14 skirt and pants, and they are feeling roomy. I burn calories like a coal fired train swallows coal, just by breathing.

There are the side effects of the eating, my diabetes, which is bad and getting worse, and this has immediate effects almost every day that limit me. It is not fun, and I struggle.

Next is the fibromyalgia, a real hidden problem that has been a daily problem for at least a month. It is not a killer, it is a life degrader. The pain is often constant, and all over with some areas worse. No pain relief works outside a hospital, it is not regular pain. It can be quite intense, and it lingers for days or weeks or months. In my case this might include migraines. It kicks the shit out of you when it gets worse, and life becomes such a struggle you stop and curl up.

There is also mental health issues which come from all the above. Right now I am coping. Some days I cope better, some not so well. I make sure I take time out to deal with it most days. This is a battle many face, and unless we talk about it how will others know.

I am drinking alcohol most days, not much, it has however become a habit at the end of the day, usually with food. This I realise is another coping behavior I need to tackle, a sign.

I have housing insecurity with my flat mate causing issues that effect me. It is shit and drama I don't need.

I am losing hair at quite a rate. Symptoms of stress I believe. Losing hair also has created stress.

There has been the moving house, which creates stress for most.

And there has been trying to react and resolve the Charlotte situation. It is not just a broken heart, it is all the other stuff, which I am sure most of you are familiar with.

None of these you will probably notice. The weather and stress is definitely making the fibromyalgia worse, and there have been many days when I have done only the bare essentials as I curl up on the couch-bed with a blanket, maintaining my mental health as I manage the pain, sometimes playing Freecell on my tablet to distract. Some days that is my life right now, a sort of existence.

It is not fun.

Especially when you are the only one in the house, which has been every day for the last week.

Yes, even loneliness is an unseen suffering. I had hoped to be living with Charlotte right now. My plan has to change. My head has to change.

It is not all doom and pain. I am doing all I can to get my life back on track.

I have had my friend J around for a good chat one evening, my first friend to visit since moving in. M also visited for a chat and catchup, and my psychologist JA.

J came over for a game and chat, GF dropped in some wood for me. And last night a group of us went to the Secret Circus. This an adult variety show where one of our friends was performing. A great night out.

There are more social events planned.

I have purchased a electric lawn mower and a cordless trimmer. How simple. I have not used either types of tool for 11+ years. Somehow it gave me great pleasure using them, claiming responsibility for my new home, making it look better. I love using power tools, and I love taking charge of the property.

Next project is the garden, one I will make.

There is much to do inside as well. I have plenty to keep me busy, especially with power tools. Oh how I wish more women would have the confidence to use tools, it is empowering when you can do things yourself.

Take care all, eat your 'elephants' one bite at a time. And remember we all have our 'elephants'.

Aroha all,

Geogina