Time Flies When You Have No Time To Care

It has been a long time since I have updated the blog. I feel guilty about this because it is important to me. Life has become complicated very fast, and right now it is a case of the less some people know the better I will be. 

This may seem a change from being completely open in my life as I have been, and yet to some degree it is being completely open that has complicated things because they are so focused on the possible future and not the present. The thing is if the present is got right then the future will be fine. It doesn't work in reverse at solving problems simply because you cannot imagine every future.

And life is lived in the now, the moment, a point that seems to be continually changing. To be in the moment is to be free of the past and the future, because neither exist except in our imaginations.

And being free is what I am trying to be, although as some will know I am unable to be fully free because of the past, in another life of another person who is still recognized more than I am. It is me that is judged for that persons actions, me that pays the consequences, and me that takes the back seat with some people and organizations.

It doesn't help that I have to also identify as the other person and myself at the same time because I am waiting for a government department to rubber stamp things and kill the other person. 

It is a bit like a famous Agatha Christie story where one person must commit the murder so others may repeat it. I could use your help Hercule Poirot, my life is a tangled web that needs more people with little grey cells.

So because of the complex array of issues I face I am staying quiet about most things to most people. I don't need more judgement, so called advice or what some call concern or help. I have had more than enough, and it is not what I need. 

It is like attaching buckets on the end of ropes to the wings of a plane, it creates drag and stresses the airframe and the flight crew, and creates turbulence. 

And I need none of these things right now. What I need is unconditional support, like the kind I would give you, and I give to many people. I do the right thing, in the moment, and find the reward of doing right, caring, sharing.

The last few months I have had a number of friends drop away. There are people I am not engaging with for a variety of reasons, and some are not engaging with me. If I don't seem to be engaging with you you already know why, and I am in no rush to save things when you can't show some respect or apologize or trust.

I know where I stand, and I know who I am, I know what I am doing, and I know where I am heading. I know what makes me happy, I know what I have to achieve, and I don't have the time or strength to carry everybody else who won't help. 

I respect your opinion and right to have one, although having one is not an entitlement to keep forcing it at me. I know that I see things differently to others, we all do. I should not have to explain and justify everything, to defend against things that do not exist and have not happened, or the choices I make.

Some people are offended, others say it is their way of caring. I don't need either thankyou, especially when you are not living in my shoes, or not walked my walk. If you are going to tie ropes with buckets to my plane don't be surprised if I cut them away. My life is not about appeasing everybody. 

So what information I let out into the wild of the internet will for the moment be limited.

I can say that I have just under 4-weeks before I am in emergency accommodation. Much of my life right now revolves around finding a place to live, with endless viewings and applications. And it is a 7-day event of optimism and disappointment in continual cycle. I carry the weight of two others in this endeavor, an additional burden.

Lucky I don't feel the personal rejection, its a battlefield out there, and landlords and their agents have the choice and power. It is none the less a sort of battle fatigue that I have to battle every day.

I am making some nice furniture, it is one of the few things keeping me sane. It is a world where I can fall back into to regroup and reorganize myself and my mental health. Figuring out problems in wood has both an artistic and a logical solution, not just one or the other.

Working with pallet wood has its own joys and challenges. It can be really beautiful, and certainly so under valued. The challenges is the irregularities, and yet that is also part of its charm because every project is bespoke. As much as my mind loves order and logic, I also like artistic solutions, stuff where you work more by what is pleasing to the heart, enjoying each unique build as something special, and finding the unique magic in each piece of wood. I feel that in each piece of wood I can see something special that nobody else sees.

I am also leaning on a couple of people to keep me going, as well as my yoga. Overall my mental health is very good. I have this feeling I may need a weeks time out once life is sorted. 

About the rest of my life beyond social excursions with the rainbow community, work, and helping people, I am not prepared to talk right now. If I chat to you directly about other things then that is because you have my trust and respect.

So thats all for now. Take care of yourselves, share the Aroha (Love), 

Geogina