It's A Long Story, About Chickens and Eggs

It has been the biggest gap in all my blogging, and I don't like that. I have been beating myself up over not updating, making excuses and not time. I have been worn out to be honest, and the stress levels are high. And to say it has been frustrating is an understatement as people have competing priorities for me and none make any sense.

There are three main themes over the last two weeks; getting CB here, and getting new accommodation, and getting a full time income. This is the basics of my life requirements right now. Fairly simple and straight forward you might think.

Oh, but it is not.

It is a nightmare of interrelated problems that only I seem to be able to grasp, while others don't see the big picture or the detail. They are focused on pushing me in their limited narrow silos without regard for the other issues I face. It is getting to the point of yelling at them all to shut up, listen, and do as I tell them. Actually, I have already started the telling them bit, I don't have the time or energy to yell.

The three problems/issues are all begging for an easy solution. Really easy. What it takes to solve the whole lot is for everybody involved to just say "Yes" and not "No" like they seem preprogrammed to do. A "Can do" attitude if you will. Yet nobody wants to really help.

It goes a bit like this, and if you get confused I am not drawing a diagram because that will seem worse.

I need to move. I have been promised assistance, which isn't happening. I have been offered a cheap option which actually is actually more expensive and will require a move again very quickly to get what is required. This makes no sense to me. Paying more and getting less with an extra move costs and hassle is stupidity, and I am not that person.

What I need comes with a cost, yet it becomes cheaper by involving an extra person, and giving space for things. Things like my wood building stuff, shelter for the car, and enough space to feel I don't have to hide in a bedroom to have a space, plus there is CB. Things like my wood work will soon provide income, and it also has a very therapeutic effect on me. If I had to hire or use another facility it will simply up the costs, make things inaccessible and/or inconvenient, never mind the mental health benefits. And CB? Well happy wife is happy life. No good putting things under stress that do not need to be.

It would be easier to get a place if I had a full time income.

Then there is the job. I am in a conflicting situation where two sides are pushing against me and each other without regard for me. One doesn't want me to work until I find accommodation (bloody hard when you don't have an income) and the other has a job they can't or won't give me because they say they have made a deal with the first parties big boss. I tend to think there is more than that from conversations, and little slips.

So here I am, stuck again. 

The third item is getting CB here, which is actually the easiest of all the problems, well, except for PayPal. Apart from this and a small delay in the schedule, will probably happen before the other two issues are solved. There is the issue of her staying with me here, and because people have known for 3-weeks and can't make a decision, I am taking charge. She stays with me. Somebody has to start making decisions, sensible ones at that.

It just frustrates me that people who are supposed to have my interests at heart really don't. The world needs decision makers who can see logic and humanity, and think. Because right now it feels like I am fighting systems that don't take the time to understand. And none of it costs anybody a cent. 

Then there are other issues I face, and those I won't go into because right now the above issues have priority.

When I step back and look at the situation it is like the chicken and egg situation. You can argue for both, though there is clearly a better one (if you want that debate I have a good line of logic). There is a third option as well.

I need them all together. Not hard really as the opportunity still exists.

Is this greedy of me? Nope. There is solutions at hand, and they don't just benefit myself with CB, they benefit everybody else as well. 

And isn't this what it is all about? Solving one problem just leaves me with two others being made worse. Solving two is not much better. I need all three to balance it out, and make it workable.

The stress has been getting to me, and my fibromyalgia is playing up because of it. This is another side effect of what putting me in a worse situation will do, it will effect my physical and mental health. And then I will really be in the deep shit. Few people can comprehend this additional factor. It is avoidable.

In the mean time I do yoga and my wood work stuff to try and keep the boat on an even keel. Taking these away will not help me either by pushing me into situations where I won't be able to do them.

This has been my life for the last few weeks, a never ending battle where I am actually going backwards weekly, and I am being forced further backwards.

It is taking all my strength and energy to keep going daily. It is not something that can be sustained. I need help. I asked for it and I feel ignored. I need people to listen, understand, and take timely action. My life is complex. So are my needs.

Yet I am just one person right now trying to battle for my life.

I thought I would finish on a positive note, with a situation where I was listened to, where people actually helped, and they wanted me to guide that. Today I went to Dress For Success, an organisation that helps women by getting them a positive self image that will assist with getting jobs and accommodation, etc., through dressing well for the occasion. I had an amazing time as they did the shopping in their facility, and I made decisions and guided thoughts, changing clothes constantly as they outfit came together piece by piece.

They really enjoyed working with me they said, and this was in part because I had a good instinctive feel for structure, colour, texture, and could express it in ways they understood. I told them I spent 40-something years studying women from an outside perspective for insight.

So in total I have a new outfit, with some low boots my size, and I felt fantastic. If only the rest of my issues could be solved in an hour.

Oh, thats right, they could!

Aroha all,

Geogina