Am I The Only One Thinking?
In this update I have a few things to touch on, not just events. It is not all wine and roses, though some of both would be nice. Wine to celebrate the small wins, and roses to appreciate the battles with many pricks.
Sarcasm is not always very helpful, and it is a back-handed attack, and I really try not to use it like this. It is not who I want to be, and is a sign of my frustration and in holding my tongue in the moment. And I am having to do that lots. I also feel like I am the only one who can see the big picture and the connections of everything and how that could be made to work for me (and CB).
So lets have some good news to start with. I was going to quote Status Quo, and then I thought there are not many who will know who they are. Just so you might remember them they are the band that opened the original LIVE AID concert with Rocking all over the world. To obscure for most of you, or too long ago for others.
Next Billy Idol came to mind, and I am not sure enough of you would remember him. So I settled for Sophie Ellis Bextor, who sings Murder on the dance floor, a song rather appropriate.
But you better not kill the groove
DJ, gonna burn this goddamn house right down
On Saturday evening there was a Pride festival dance to close festivities, held at a really good venue that had been decorated perfectly. I came dressed to party, it had been about 10-years or more since my last dance party or night club visit.
So with an empty dance floor as people arrived, I dragged three other ladies up to dance. I was enjoying myself. Then about 4 songs in the other ladies needed drinks, and off they went. That left just me and the DJ. I came here to dance, and so I danced on my own, enjoying the space to move. I did not care if others were watching and what they thought, the dance was all that mattered and I was lost in it.
And thats when my body finally managed to get a signal through to my head reminding me I was not 25 any more. Yes, I was in pain, mostly lower leg. I did some yoga stretches, and then it was all on. I hit the dance floor and carried on.
Eventually I realised I would have to stop, and the music was getting way to modern for me, so I left and got home late. The pain and cramps set in, as did the fatigue. I had a short chat to CB, then I crashed, first on the couch, and then the bed. I slept in only an extra hour. The pain lasted a number of days. The memory will last a life time.
I had a few fun shopping trips helping my new neighbor find her feet in a new city. It makes you appreciate ordinary things in a new way when you see it through others eyes, and on reflection 8-months ago I was her, though I did most of it on my own. Compared to many women in my position it is said I have a courage many women lack. I learned the hard way not to miss opportunities that are good.
I also helped my neighbor build some suspended shelves. This was a fun little project. I was also invited to have lunch with part of her family, which I felt honoured to be asked. Doing good has little rewards.
I have also informally started working with somebody in a support role. This is leading into the support group that is being setup for me to run. And I know I have the ability to help people, particularly rainbow community members.
The not so good stuff was on a scale ranging from uncomfortable to down-right horrible. It came from many directions, some of it shocking me. I did expect many cautious responses, people urging a slow down with CB, and some who might be negative. Yes I mostly had that pegged.
The worst and most horrible I did not see coming.
I offer no excuses for what was said to me, all I know is that I kept my cool and stayed calm, or was it shock? Either way I managed to gain control of my mouth before it said something unpleasant.
The comments at me included "CB is going to have to earn her right to have you in my eyes", and then a question of my sexual identity, my sanity, and then this beauty, "Imagine how your child will feel when it finds out it's father is also its mother", and then how would the child feel to have an old parent. There were other questions where I was challenged on finances, and immigration rules.
It has taken a few days to calm down. I want that person to know they are forgiven. What was said hurt me deeply, an unnecessary wounding. Coming from them it was a stab in the back that struck the kidneys. It is actually you that has to earn your way back into my life. I am not going to offer excuses for you.
So yeah, it has not been all fun. On Monday I was having a real downer, there was so much negativity around me, even from work, that I required a days time out. Time to work with some wood, find myself in it, and turn thoughts around with the additional help of chatting to CB.
I have many pressures on me as well, housing, is a big one, so is a job. And then there is getting CB here. It is hard to please everybody, so I try to please me first, then CB, and after that I don't care much. I have not felt official support from those who have power. There is no coordination of effort or good communication.
An example of this is fairly simple big picture stuff. I need to move, which is hard without a full time job. I need temporary accommodation for CB and I, and the need for that will be helped if I had a job to enable me to find a new place sooner for us both. The answer is really quite simple, and I am sure you can see that the solution is simple, and it doesn't cost anybody anything, and everybody gets a happy ending, as is the mission statement.
Why do I feel like the only person thinking here?
Why do I work hard and do good helping this organisation which has failed me often? Do they owe me a favour or two? You bet they do.
Life right now is like eating an elephant, which is not impossible if you do it one bite at a time. Thats what I am doing, and giving myself time out with wood and yoga to maintain balance. I am doing things right, talking to people, one problem at a time. I am doing stuff that makes me happy, keeping up and developing social connections. I am coping. I am happy and nothing is going to stop me.
And CB.
Thanks to those being supportive, it really is appreciated.
Aroha all,
Geogina
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