Blame It On The Moon, or maybe its love?

When I left off in the last posting things were going amazingly well on all fronts except finding some new place to live. Nothing bothering me; no stress; life was good. I had a busy and happy social life, I was enjoying work, and I had a long distance relationship which was going well.

What could go wrong?

Answer: Who says it has to?

And this is where I find myself, in a happier state and some people think I have sailed on the SS Looney Tunes.

It started last Friday, and I was having a long chat with CB via Google. The conversation was good, actually better than good. It was amazing. We were talking about all sorts of things in some detail, things couples talk about when discussing living compatibility in fact.

Thats when this feeling led to a thought, and I made a short video.

Now I uploaded it, and initially CB didn't notice it, so I pointed it out.

It was a marriage proposal. 

The reply was rather clear and simple. Yes, along with emoji, and shouts of joy I thought I heard. Maybe those were mine. She said she had literally been jumping up and down with excitement, and I believe it.

We had planned this after she arrived later this year, and some how this had caught her off guard and surprised her. One of those nice surprises you get in life, sometimes. I am very sure of my feelings right now. CB is also very sure of her feelings. It seemed the right time.

I knew however, that not everybody would share the same enthusiasm. And they would be many, and I am sure some would want my head examined, which, not a joke, is going to happen. I am not kidding. I have to see a psychologist.

It is hard to stay happily optimistic when you know that their are people who care think you are losing your mind. That some of those people are pessimistic, or just negative. One thing I knew they knew was that there would be no changing of my mind.

So I posted my relationship status change on Facebook, and even posted the proposal. I was happy, and I wanted the world to know. I really wanted to tell the world I have found somebody very special. I wanted to dance and sing, which I did, and only CB saw and heard. This is lucky for most of you. 

And the next day I found I had plenty of approval and support from the rainbow community. I talked to an old friend and did not get a very enthusiastic response. My sister had already tried to contact him and now he knew why. In fact it was the next day when I got a response from my oldest friend that was positive.

This was really expected, and yet some how I was expecting a slightly warmer reaction. Or was I really? I mean that if I looked back over my life, how many people were ever that enthusiastic about things that made me excited or happy? Why did they only react positively when it involve making money or getting recognition like a placing in a competition? Why was my not just being happy and content doing something that pleased me without fanfare not enough?

Okay, this would be my 4th major relationship and 3rd marriage. Yes, I know that I screwed up the first three in a right mess that left many hurt people. And yes, I had only known CB under 2-months. And yes, we had not physically met. And yes there is a 15-year age gap. And the list could go on forever it feels. If you want to see problems you will see every potential problem and not see one good thing. 

Sadly so much of the world is cynical about happiness. Everybody has a story of somebody else's experience of love, few seem to have their own. There are traditions and expectations of the love process, and especially marriage. These are a little different in the rainbow community generally, where things are often more intense or faster paced. My CIS friends mostly don't get this.

A few nights after the proposal, CB and I were talking again when she dropped the bomb shell on me this time. She wanted to come over in May, and it was a one-way-trip! WOW!!!

It was my turn to jump up and down and squeal in excitement. For a few minutes I allowed myself the joy I felt. And then the logic circuits kicked in, and I started to list all the hurdles and things that needed to be done to make this happen. What can I say, my brain works fast, because I soon had quite a list. And then I started computing CB's list. My brain is prone to processing everything all together and all at once.

It did not take long for a plan to form, and CB started to talk through various issues. There are many. And some are outside my control. So much to do in such a short time. Still I was not stressed. My head was clear. I planned to eat the elephant one bite at a time. There are many things that might not go to plan, the potential pitfalls are numerous. And this is where my special super powers started kicking in, and I made getting CB here in May my goal. Part of my head was now a guided missile.

If getting engaged was going to stir up some people, this would really set some people off. It is the belief that many have that nothing good ever happens fast. All I can say in the words of Donald Sutherlands character in Kelly's Heroes is "Why don’t you knock it off with them negative waves? Why don’t you dig how beautiful it is out here? Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change?."

Nothing was going to diminish my enthusiasm and joy. That is the power of my mind. 

And so I would take plenty of negativity, or people would be polite while really saying I was nuts, crazy, courageous, etc. You can just tell. People try to hide it , not many can lie and say "yes" when they mean "no", or  fake sincerity. At least not to somebody who spent most of their life lying to hide their true identity like me.

There are some who have been genuine, and I really appreciate them. Because all I ask for right now is support to help make this all work. The initially challenges of getting CB here will be followed by further challenges. And though I am ready to take these on, things will be better with some support, help when needed. This is normal in relationships.

And its not just me, CB comes to a land with no support except me. She will also need support, and I will endeavor to help create this for her. 

Yes, we are taking a big step. A really big step. Some think its like us stepping of the edge. Others a gamble, or a calculated risk. Some think it crazy or fool hardy. Some say it is all happening to fast, that relationships take time, and dating, and all that stuff of conventional relationships.

I have been told I am vulnerable, that I am wanting something so much I won't look at risks. Or that I might be easy to be manipulated because I wanted something so much I would give in to get things real or perceived.

The thing is I deliberately live an open life which makes me vulnerable, and I won't change. Being open and honest and living my truth is how I want to be. It is actually part of what makes my life a safe space. It is what makes me authentic, genuine.

Love is a risk, and a calculated risk really. There are no guarantees. Even living with people or dating is no real indicator of what a person is like. I should know, and I do. I have a funny story about my first marriage I illustrate this with. My first wife took 6 years of living together to realise I drank and had been drinking tea, she thought I only drank coffee. I spent three marriages/relationships hiding who I really was. 

And people dating get side tracked by the physical, and they always have their best masks on. People do not want to show vulnerability or weakness, well a very great many anyway.

Time is no guarantee because we really only see what we want to see. And others only see what we want them to see.

To cynical? Thats what I think of the conventional.

I know what I want. CB knows what she wants. We are not physically distracted, and we talk about real stuff more. We both accept the risk because we both believe this is the moment and opportunity with the right person. We don't want to wait, life is short and precious. This is our choice. I do not fear failure. I fear not trying.

And I know people like this. They are not prepared to risk, they would rather suffer in silence with less than they should have, than risk trying to get what they would like. It is the denial of what they feel and want that concerns me. And so they never live life fully, and they are cynical, and never satisfied or really happy.

I am happy, and I am living my life as fully as I can, authentic, with love and kindness.

Try it yourselves. You may enjoy it.

So this week has been an interesting one, as I work on various challenges related to getting CB here. There are many. The negative reactions have even fed into our relationship. I am really thankful that our relationship is based on communication, because thats how it was solved. That is us both practicing our skills and dedication to each other. 

I also over the weekend built two bedside tables. They are simple designs, and match the styles of my other stuff. I like them, and they are already in use. I even consulted CB on colours, which they reflect. 

Last week I purchased a futon style couch/bed, and that was delivered to me. I really am blessed. The frame has been standing on end in the kitchen all week and will move out tomorrow. The mattress was cluttering and blocking up my bedroom until today. The space is returning.

I have been chasing house viewings, working on what I call plan 'A' and plan 'B', and in both cases not getting far. I am not yet feeling the desperation, or the stress. I simply cannot afford to. I just have to keep plugging away.

I also applied for a job at work, as have many others. I feel I have a reasonable chance, I have some good reasons to be optimistic. Again, not stressing.

]I have also been helping another person who needs my unique experiences and insight. For this person it is invaluable, few have what I can offer, and few would offer it. It is me being kind, living my life to make the world a bit better where I can, one person at a time.

I also made a new friend, a very special person at a rainbow day. She is Bethany, and she is truly amazing, and more human than many I know. She has more life issues than I have had, and she certainly enabled me to put the whole world into a different perspective. I really am grateful to her. I hope one day she to will have that special person in her life. Until then we have a coffee meetup to keep.

Yoga has also been great. It helps me in so many ways. It is part of my life balance. Like building, and my social life, and my helping and acts of kindness, and work.

And now CB is part of that. 

I am not sure what else to add right now. Life is busy, moving quickly, and I am happy, being authentic, and living fully. I think this is what a guy called John Shelby Spong once described as "loving wastefully." Just think about that concept, loving life as if you had an endless supply of love. How would you live if you realised that you had love to giveaway? 

Thats how I feel I am living, and it feels amazing.

Geogina