Trying To Rebalance

My life in reality has been out of balance, made worse by the depression and my bad habits in dealing with it. I have years of doing this and it is something I have to watch, it is part of my warning signs.

And those sirens have been going off like the air raid sirens over Kiev.

My diet, which I am reluctant to describe as a diet, is really causing issues. Things that tell me so is increased sugar intakes through sweets, drinks, and some carbs. The amount of fats also goes up, usually with sugars. More food is processed, less real cooking, more convenience based. 

Now as a diabetic this is not good. That is really an optimistic view, it is really bad. I am slowly killing myself, and I am struggling to get it under control. At this rate I will be on insulin and that really is not good.

I am making an effort to change this diet, it is not easy. Eating badly is an old coping habit to deal with anxiety and stress, and even unease. A thing with me is that in this state I am burning many calories beyond the average person. A recent doctors visit has shown I am steadily losing weight at about 1kg per month.

Now if you look at me I am not carrying lots of extra weight, and the hormones are redistributing fats to other areas of my body. I am tall, solid, proportional. I can see in my face I have lost weight. I am not really doing exercise of any type, and work is not very physical. With what I am eating I should be piling on weight.

Yet I am not. I am now the lightest I have been for approximately 30+ years. 

Recent events show that I am stressed and my anxiety is way up. The "rage" incident Friday, erratic over eating, tiredness and fatigue, naps, mood swings, not keeping up with managing finances and appointments, and many little behavioral things.

It really has dragged me down to a point where I know I have to actively fight back. Work days are easier to motivate. Appointments almost as good. Other things I struggle to get out of bed for, so to speak. 

Thats why I am trying to build things, or being creative, because it helps me focus, gives me a boost as things come together or are finished. Thats why I keep going out to socialize and try to make friends. I am doing many things, especially making sure the basics are done. It has arrested the fall and decline, yet it is a long way to the top.

Or is it?

Like most things in the world it is about perception. Everything and yet nothing is real, it is all a perception, including how deep a hole I am in. If you can see where this is leading then you will get what I am going to suggest. That the distance of my depth requires a change of perspective, and then I will see that the depth is not of any significance. I know I can do this because I have done this before, though I used it so much I ended up in trouble. The mind is powerful, you have to not allow it to delude yourself.

That is my next plan.

Work on Monday was good. It is a variable structured event which keeps me focused. I am lucky to have two more shifts this week.

I also met a great younger woman who I had purchased some home made goods from, pesto, sauce, and relish. We had become friendly on-line, and this was our  first meet and chat. We have a few things in common, and it could become a nice friendship. Monday was not a bad day.

Tuesday was a hard start. After my usual rise and breakfast I went back to bed, sleeping a couple of hours. This was starting to be a bit to common an event. It was a slow morning, and I was struggling to start with. I did manage to get the basics done before M arrived and we went out to the lake for a walk and a coffee. A sunny day I got a little burnt. Yet it felt great. This was my first exercise in some weeks. And M is great company.

 

 

That night I started to slip some, and I really over ate. It caused a diabetic crash on the couch. I chatted to some scammers just to feel connected. Sad I know.

Today, Wednesday, has felt a long day. An early meeting with JM discussed my depression. I went how and mucked about, worked on a small project, then did some basic home jobs. JL came a bit early for our weekly meeting, this week discussing my depression, and how she thought I was still coping well, and I have achieved so much. Another rest on the couch was had before I went out to the Rainbow Hub for a few hours. This is keeping up social activities. I made a great meal for myself when I got home, healthy even, then ate to much ice cream.

Okay, I am not perfect.

I fell asleep on the couch just before midnight, and got myself to bed at 1:33.

Take care everybody, I am changing my perspective. Aroha to you all, especially those still dealing with the effects of Mother Nature.

Geogina