Rollercoaster Ride

Yesterday was Tuesday, and it was not a fun day. I had stepped on to a rollercoaster when I woke up, and it was a long ride. To be honest I am glad it ended. Here is how it went.

Tuesday was a day off work. I had a house or flat viewing in the afternoon. That was all. I had many things still to achieve, lots of those jobs I was slowly ticking off, often one a day, sometimes two. These were part of the last depressive dip two weeks ago, and I had managed to get that into a managed resolution and was doing okay.

Tuesday I woke up and everything just started to drop, my energy, motivation, my perspective. It was deep in my body, into my organs, into my being and consciousness. It started to spiral down and I had to put my energy into stop spiraling into something really serious. Serious is thoughts that start looking at ending life. I have been there before, and I have somehow survived attempts.

I don't want sympathy from people, because that won't help. Having people understand where I am at and how, plus ways they might help. Empathy would be good.

Trying to arrest the overwhelming feelings was hard, yet I have tools. And yes I used my power tools, trying to build a chair. I didn't get far, yet it helped a little, just not enough.

I had a man on the internet trying to hit on me besides me telling him NO. Right now my opinion of men on the internet is very low. So low I would have them all de-sexed, spayed like a cat. Maybe there penis removed and fed to them.

Strong feelings you say.

You bloody bet they are! Women get harrassed way to much, trans women get so much it is beyond your imagination. I talk to other trans around the world and this is common.

I had a call from my support worker M, who was visiting late morning. This was good. I don't like looking like shit with visitors. Showering and dressing, and a coat of makeup had me looking better.

When she arrived, we chatted for almost 2-hours. I told her what was happening. She listened. She will get me out exercising next week. I know there is not much else she can do. Every bit helps.

A binge lunch sent me into a sugar spiral, and I crashed into a sleep on the couch for maybe 30-minutes. And then KW arrived, waking me into a state where the world was not in focus.

KW listened and asked questions, and the two things at the top of my pyramid of problems were moving house and loneliness. Yes, same problems. She was very supportive saying I am doing really well looking, that it is a hard process.

As for loneliness, well, I explained that I have been lonely all my life because I have most of my life acted the life of another. My relationships at all levels were insincere, not real, and as such I was lonely. Each of my wives suffered from this, as did my daughter. Life was so disconnected.

We discussed some ideas she had, and I shall try some.

I had an early dinner, nothing great. I forced myself to go to the supermarket on foot and not car, a short walk. I purchased sugary treats and pate, and cider. It was a nice night out, and the walk helped.

At home I over indulged, yet the boost it gave me got me working on some items.

In all I managed to arrest the freefall of the morning, and I went to bed quite drained.

This morning I slept in an hour. It was good. Work was this afternoon, and a visit to see JM was at 11am. This is what I need. I was in a better frame of mind, not great, yet I was functional. The mood was more optimistic and my mind more focused. I was not overwhelmed, I did still feel heavily loaded.

I ignored a pesky man messaging me, he might get the hint. I did some internet stuff, then dived into the shower, dressed, and painted my face. I felt good. I looked good. I was ready for my day. What a difference to yesterday.

The meeting with JM was good and insightful. There was a look at my depression, how I was coping, and then she came out with something interesting, from out of nowhere.

How was I meeting my sexual needs?

The answer was simple, I was not. My needs have changed some I explained. My desire to have physical intimacy was very strong. The trouble is that I could not meet these in the conventional way with a partner or solo. If I was to masturbate then I would be associating with the male part of my body, and this brings on gender dysphoria, which makes me more upset. I have not masturbated or  orgasmed for 3-years because of this. My body was not getting chemicals most people do. I was not able to enjoy my body or share it, or feel the physical intimacy beyond a few hugs.

This is having an effect. People need to feel cuddles, touch, love. I am not feeling this. The most recent was with A, and that is part of why she was so important to me, not including that she was the first person I had been genuinely me with. It is also why I was hurt so much and have taken time to heal.

Work was great, busy, and I just did my bit. I am part of a good team, valued and needed. It really is my safe place.

I got home, and had an early dinner, supplemented with stuff from work.

I texted with KW and my friend in Auckland ER. I explained this situation of realisation that came up with JM. Neither had any answers. The depth of my problems are now more obvious even to me. ER could not imagine my situation.

I am in deep shit, and finding away around this problem I can't imagine right now. It is not like you can get an intimate relationship with some degree of physical intimacy by prescription.

I decided to not go to the Rainbow Hub meeting, being around teen trans who mostly ignore you just seems unhelpful. Instead I have worked on my first chair, and I have the major pieces ready to attach to the chair. It is looking good, and I am feeling good about it. I have cleaned up a substantial mess I made as I was working in my lounge with power tools. I listened to some podcasts, and some good music, and now finish this blog. It is time I got to bed.

Aroha all,

Geogina