Fragile Stability & Revelations

It is nice to be able to say the previous two days have been much more stable than the previous two. I am a small plane trying to maintain altitude right now, avoiding the various up and down drafts that could destabilize me. And now with events I feel Ihave managed to rise a little above the cloud and see some of the real issues I face.

With the revelation of my sexual life needs being so out of balance it is non-existent in all forms, I approached Thursday with a mind of curiosity. I was not down, it was kind of neutral, which is quite a nice place to be. I had lots to do today, and the reality is there was actually to many things, just not enough hours in the day. Something was going to have to give.

There was the morning shift at work with an extra hour doing a delivery, followed by my first session back at yoga in ages, followed by a session with JL my peer support mentor, and then grocery shopping, and finally the course "The Big Q" for Rainbow people. Something had to give.

Lucky for me that decision was made by JL who wanted to change to a meetup for coffee just before we went to The Big Q, and this solved the problem. So one with my day.

Work was great, we were busy, and I got to do some of the baking today on top of other duties, and this felt great to be doing. I love cooking, and so this was a great way to help out any show my abilities. I had a delivery across town to finish off, and the traffic was a nightmare, even on my normally good alternative routes. Still it was a nice drive to some good tunes on my phone, just accept the situation and enjoy the time out.

Next was yoga, and boy did my mind and body respond to the session. It was actually rather beautiful as my mind zoomed out, left this world behind, my body relaxed, and stress melted away. I was right on the verge of unconscious yet still present. Its a beautiful state to be in and something I so needed. This was the high point of my day.

After a recovery I went home to get ready for shopping, a night out first with JL then the course. JL had to cancel for personal reasons I understood. Still I planned on giving her a loving telling off, she needs to look after herself more. So this opened up the remaining time to be quite comfortable. I then thought what the heck, do the groceries tomorrow. A good choice as I now had ample time to stay destressed and not rush.

I was early to the course, and I had an interesting discussion with the lead facilitator, which led to the topic tonight by chance. The subject was relationships and we were using a very cool model called Te Whare Tapa Wha, which looks at life from five aspects which are used to create and balance your life on. There was lots of discussion, and in that I came to realise that I was missing completely two of the aspects. I was not just out of balance, it was beyond comprehension how I was functioning. 

What this revealed was that the two missing components of my life were constantly undermining and dragging me down. Everything I did and experienced had a kind of hidden negative factor that was reducing the value or duration of any positive experiences I had. Every day I ran a race where I started behind without realizing it.

This was not just sobering for me, the others felt it as well. My days high point had already slipped, now it did more with the realisation, and that nobody had any solutions.

I went home, stayed up late, fell asleep on the couch listening to YouTube, and finally crawled into bed at 3am.

Sleep was not long, so I decided to sleep in. Rest was good, though even a sleep-in can't make up for the irregular sleep pattern. It was a slow start, not very organized. I worked on my chair prototype in the kitchen and that felt good. 

I cleaned up in the afternoon as KW visited for a chat, and she came to appreciate more of my situation. I also had temporary new neighbors moving into the adjoined flat.

I went grocery shopping, blasting my music to the world, and do you know what, people started singing along, humming, and getting visibly into the music. It was appreciated by others, and I felt lifted by this.

A quick snack dinner and I left for the evening activity of the rainbow ladies pool evening. I only had one game, yet spent much more time socialising with just a few people. There was a slightly greater acceptance by some. In all a nice evening out.

At home I stayed up a bit late catching up on computer stuff.

The last few days have revealed more of the true nature of the issues I face as the mists of life have parted to see the reality of my life. They half the battle is knowing you have a problem and identifying it. 

Well I have done that. Now I need solutions.

Aroha all,

Geogina