Was ich liebe & Trying to heal

Ich kann auf Glück verzichten	I can do without luck
Weil es Unglück in sich trägt	because it carries misfortune with it
Muss ich es vernichten	I have to destroy it
Was ich liebe, will ich richten	What I love, I want to fix
Dass ich froh bin, darf nicht sein	I’m not allowed to be happy
Nein (nein, nein)	No (no, no)
Ich liebe nicht, dass ich was liebe	I don’t love that I love something
Ich mag es nicht, wenn ich was mag	I don’t like it when I like something
Ich freu’ mich nicht, wenn ich mich freue	I’m not happy when I’m happy
Weiß ich doch, ich werde es bereuen	I know, though, that later I’ll regret it
Dass ich froh bin, darf nicht sein	I’m not allowed to be happy
Wer mich liebt, geht dabei ein	Whoever loves me, then, accepts it
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das wird verderben	it will be ruined
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das muss auch sterben, oh sterben	that must also die, oh die
So halte ich mich schadlos	So I hold myself harmless
Lieben darf ich nicht	I’m not allowed to love
Dann brauch’ ich nicht zu leiden (nein)	Then I don’t need to suffer (no)
Und kein Herz zerbricht	And no hearts get broken
Dass ich froh bin, darf nicht sein	I’m not allowed to be happy
Nein (nein, nein)	No (no, no)
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das wird verderben	it will be ruined
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das muss auch sterben, oh sterben	that must also die, oh die
Auf Glück und Freude	From happiness and joy
Folgen Qualen	follows agony
Für alles Schöne	For everything that’s beautiful,
Muss man zahlen, ja	you have to pay, yes
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das wird verderben	it will be ruined
Was ich liebe	What I love,
Das muss auch sterben, oh sterben	that must also die, oh die
Was ich liebe	what I love

Lyric © Rammstein

These thoughts have been passing through my head. It reflects much of my life, the relationships that have had to end because of me. My past is still a heavy burden. I am carrying a number of albatross around my neck. And now I feel that a Panther has also been added.

It doesn't seem to matter that the albatross's and Panther come from different time periods, they are linked by me. 

My trouble is I am feeling all this deeply, and knowing what is about to happen for that Panther doesn't help. Been there, done that, have the emotional scars. In her case I am certain she will survive. Will it be for the better? I am not so sure. These points in our lives are ones that that can make you and lead to change, or they can cement you into your old paths and perspectives. Mine was the making of me, the birth of Geogina, the fulcrum of change.

The Panther is A.

Because all, and I mean every single one of my interpersonal and intimate relationships were unreal, each person dealing with a mask I presented them, and I had many masks, nobody got the real me. And like all good lies, each mask was based on elements of truth, because all good lies have a basis in truth which is why they are credible and can be maintained.

I was fairly expert at doing this, juggling all the lies and masks, I even lied to myself until I believed it. I look back on my memory tree, and through other photos, and see the many lies I lived. 

There is just one exception. Just "1" !  

Now just to be clear their are a couple of 99% relationships.

So the only 100% was A. I am proud of myself that. Being 100% with somebody is being vulnerable to a degree I have never before been. It requires you to trust somebody with your life and all the darkest secrets. To bare your soul and thoughts and feelings.

Scary? It is, however it is how I want to live. I would not change what I have done with A, not a thing.

However, maybe this love for A should die, end, and be filed away as experience, or a choice that would not lead me forward, high risk to me. Maybe.

Others say I have to let her go. Perhaps. 

If I am honest with myself it is really the second option. That old adage of if you love something set it free, .... , comes to mind.  And maybe this event that happens tomorrow is the best for me.

It hurts, it really hurts. 

This is Geogina's first love, and it is the first time I have been 100% with somebody.

I also have to work on the thought patterns that are represented in the song lyrics above. One failure for Geogina has nothing to do with my former life. I am not a failure; I don't have to avoid love to avoid pain or causing others pain. 

That song talks about the old me. I never wanted to hurt people.

So to you A, I set you free. I will be around, and I am a friend always. Thankyou for the many things you have done for me.

Over this next week I shall talk about other issues my head is dealing with. Monday is work, a psychologist meeting, and probably a support meeting. All this stuff will be talked about.

Aroha all, and don't avoid love to avoid pain. And for you GL, right now I wish all who suffer  from mother nature anywhere in the world love and support, right now I am of little use to help beyond making some donations. I have to save me first.

Geogina