Uncertainty, Lasting Thanks, & Killing A Man

I have been lucky to have had work the last two days, it keeps my mind at least partly busy, focused, and my priorities right. It would have been a struggle without work, and I am lucky to have the job and be with such good people.

This won't be a big blog posting. I have things to do, places to go, things to make, and planning to kill a man to finalise.

The uncertainty has been around A, who went away today, with outcome and destination unsure. A last minute life line came her way, I am unsure what has happened with the extra option. For me it is just knowing the outcome, what has happened, that she is okay, that hopefully the best choice was made for her. I am concerned for mental health impacts because I know what it is like in her position when you have no control on your life. I also know that we are responsible for what happens to us, and what we do when it does.

"I'm going to miss you too Geo, take care.... Your looking and doing great out there...."  A

I know because that is life. I have faced this situation of no control, and I know what it is like to then make the choice to change and go forwards into a new life. I also know how hard all this is. Most people have no idea what this is like. And everybody reacts differently; some cope and manage; others collapse internally imploding; others lash out; some find their strength and grow; and others never change.

It really doesn't matter how this all happens, flooding, earthquake, car crash, or poor choices. When your world is shaken up we are put to the test. We have to decide what sort of person we wish to be, what matters to us, our priorities, our values, and our ability to accept and adapt, and the resolve to overcome the hurdles and distance.

And I hope A has all this.

I can at least thank her for the fact that this has given me back my building mojo, which of late has been absent. I am building small stuff and medium projects, while a bigger one is now under serious planning. And it feels good.

I met a woman today who saw my place today, and will likely be a neighbor in the flat next door. She was blown away by my art and furniture I had built, especially the Memory Tree. It is more impressive in person than in photographs because it dwarfs you, and reaches around you. It has a life and energy. My life and energy. Anyway, she seemed really nice, and I look forward to her moving in next door.

Tomorrow, Wednesday, is a day with lots to do. I have a broken computer chair to get replaced, a walk where ghosts still walk, medication to get, a blood test, a doctor visit, a rainbow women's craft evening, and a man to kill.

I have put this off for a long time, I have been processing many things, and now I am ready to end a life. Now it needs to end, it is the right time. I cannot fully live with this man in my life any longer. I want to hate him, to blame him, to hurt him. I also want to thank him before he dies because without him I would be the dead one. He sacrificed everything for me, what greater love can you have for another person? He endured more than I ever will, and somehow he had the strength and resilience to allow me to live, protect me, get me through the hardest times, and now to accept his fate so that I may live fully.

I have him on my Memory Tree, and like Wife #3 and A he will never be forgotten, ever.

After I kill him I am going to have a drink to his memory, his sacrifice. I can't hate all the bad he did, and he did bad things. No, he was much more than that. He was also many good things, seldom perfect, yet he tried and got me here. My non-identical twin has been here all this time, my big brother.

I thankyou brother, and you know it is time for you to go, I can live my life now without you. Adieu, goodbye, auf wiedersehen.

Aroha all, tell you tomorrow what it is like tomorrow.

Geogina.