Reality Check

I saw some feedback about me elsewhere by somebody I considered a close friend. It was not nice reading it, describing me as being narcissistic and in a nutshell a bit insensitive to the plight of people in NZ who are undergoing the effects of our worst tropical cyclone to date.

So I thought it about time for a reality check so people knew exactly what is happening for me, and how I live. You see not everything is visible, even here, because sometimes there are things I don't tell you. 

Most people are unaware that I have mental health issues. And at times in my life they have been very serious. For example I am unsure of how and why I am still alive type of serious. Over the years I have often felt suicidal, and I have made a number of attempts. Why am I still alive?

I have two factors that have predisposed me to such feelings through prolonged depression; Fibromyalgia , a chronic pain condition; and being a trans person.

Few people really get to appreciate the first, fibromyalgia, and the effects of living with a chronic pain condition. Fewer still what a trans person goes through. It puts me at the top of the self harm pyramid. This is one statistic that that winning is not such a great prize.

To help manage this my life keeps away from many negative things, such as news. My new TV is not even plugged in. I don't watch even regular TV shows. On-line I avoid much of the same thing. I have a radio I don't use, and barely use the car radio, I don't hear news, especially NZ news. I try to keep away from the negative energy.

I was once a news junkie, and my head was full of all the horrible stuff in the world. It was not a happy time. And I did it to distract from what I was really feeling.

Once when a teenager I took a shotgun to school, and if not for my oldest friend I would have been NZ's first school shooting and suicide in the mid-1980's aged 17yo. Nobody knew. At the time I even wrote a short film script for a class at the time. My friend found out late last year when I thanked her for the kind words she said that day which took me off the edge.

For many years up until the last couple I would go into places and one of my first thoughts was "How would I take my life in this space?" And I am very serious about this. Can you imagine what it is like to go to a beautiful place, and after you acknowledge the beauty start figuring out how to die there?

I have been through enough. Much of this is never talked about here. I live on serious medications, see psychological professionals every week, have a number of professional supports. Right now I have a daily check-in with these.

On the surface I seem like a very well adjusted person, making my way though the squalls of life's big ocean. Under the waterline things are different, and few get to see what is going on.

Last weekend my depression slipped to new levels of low where I have not been for some time. I started having the odd self harm thought pop into my head. In the moment I quickly used all my skills to respond with corrective thinking, starting to talk to people, and keep myself focused on doing things to keep me busy doing positive things.

Ever wondered why I seem to have bursts of energy and lots of crafty things or furniture appears? The depression is why. The busier I appear usually the greater the depression. And it leads to fatigue and burnouts, even mood crashes.

So the warning signs are there right now, big red flags. And I am doing my best while professionals keep an eye on me.

Few can really appreciate what it is like for a trans person starting out, never mind the history of those of us older who lived through some harsh years of society and the law. Even trans younger people today suffer, it just is something most people will ever understand or appreciate. I continue to find examples of the discrimination, bias, and harmful behavior against trans people, much of which I have lived through on my own journey. Yet it shows that the anti-trans attitudes and behaviors are alive and well still in this community and wider society.

Some of my own experiences like this have left me with PTSD conditions, and I have triggers and traumas that still challenge me. There are days like lately where just getting up are hard, my motivational levels have dropped, my energy levels low, fatigue levels high, I am attracted to darker and harsher music, have difficulty staying focused, and have to monitor my thoughts 24/7.

I have spent most of my life in hiding, isolated in my head because the world really was very unsafe and punished me every time I tried to come out. I never had real relationships with anybody until recently because each relationship was undermined by the deception and lies I did to hide. The only person who has seen into me deeply was A, and that is one of the reasons she is in my heart. And the loss of her is one of my burdens right now, she did more for me than even she will ever realise.

My life hurt individuals and almost destroyed families. Most of my friends abandoned me. If my life then was one of torment, now the torment is about what I have done.

I have been 5 1/2 months in Hamilton. I have no friends locally, and nobody except my professional support really in my life. Nobody calls or texts. Visitors lately have been none. I go out to meet people and become isolated and lonely, rejected, and don't seem to fit in. The repeated attempts to be socially active have drained me, and I find getting back up after each rejection harder each time. Again, nobody sees this.

None of this is really that different for most other trans people, we are a very high risk and vulnerable group. I need recognition, to feel accepted and part of things. I need social stimulation. Being on my own to long drives me off the edge. My needs are different to many others, such as the hermit my critical friend has become. 

Yesterday, for the first time I had a small win, though it feels like a large win. I went out to a rainbow women's socialize & Pool evening, and I started to feel accepted by some. I laughed, shared some details of my life, talked openly, played games, and felt happy, and feel like I might be on the road to some friendships.

Each day I do try and find something positive, yet to most people something as little as getting your gender pronouns used correctly by another person without prompting is rather meaningless because you never have those issues. Or the joy of seeing yourself come to life with a new lip liner and lip gloss. Most of the joys in my life are so small that people don't see it, and if I tell you you will dismiss it because you fail to appreciate the significance to me.

I am saddened by world events, especially by lost lives, yet I cannot let it drag me down, right now I have to save me.

So rather than tell you, I have some pictures which will have no explanation of the last 2-days.

Aroha all,

Geogina