My First Valentines Day In 10yrs
And as a first I was hopeful for a great day. And I should have known better. It is the word "Hope" that is the problem.
Now I know what most people will disagree here, most people like "hope", and to start brutally, that is why the world is as screwed up as it is. I have my reasons for this, and actually it is a very old philosophical position that many will partly know, and if you know don't understand.
It comes from the Greeks and the story of Pandora's Box. Of all the deadly sins that the box contained, the Greeks would not allow the last and most dangerous of all the sins out, "hope".
The concept of "hope" places responsibility for the situation and situational outcome in the hands of somebody else. The reality is that you are responsible for what has happened or happens, sometimes in part or through ignorance, and other times through choice or miscalculation.
Thats right, we got ourselves to this point, and we are the ones to get ourselves out or accept the consequences. And that brings me round to topic.
How I got to this point on Valentines day is a result of my past decisions over 10yrs ago. On the one hand that is sad, I was a very different person back then, and it has on-going consequences and challenges. And then there is the current situation, where I have to accept some of the responsibility.
I once destroyed three major relationships/marriages. Thats all my fault. I have the most remorse for the 1st and 3rd ones, mostly #3. Within me are still feelings for the women who made the most positive impact on me (after my mother), and the closest to true love. I can't forget her, #3, and each day I have to forgive myself for what happened.
The first, she was special in her own way, and she did not deserve me.
The 2nd, the mother of my daughter, DD, I am also largely responsible for, just not everything. The best thing to come from that relationship was my daughter, who I raised mostly single handed the first 6 1/2 years. She taught me more than she will ever know.
And then there is more recent people, The Elephant In The Corner, also known as A. And that is not all my fault. Yet I fell in love, much as I did with #1, #2, #3. Sadly that all ended a few weeks ago.
And me, I carry my guilt with me. Days like today make me reflect on this past, and even some of the other women that have been part of my life for short periods of time. In all but the relationship with A, the rest have been fully undermined by me, and my not being able to come out as to my true identity, Geogina. At least A got the real me, the best me.
I can't change the past, and I really try not to let it drag me down. Some things linger. In ways I still love them all, to varying degrees. The most true, #3, and the most recent, A, linger close to the surface. There is a pain I feel, and yet I have nothing but good wishes and feelings for them both.
Love is eternal, at least it is in me.
Valentines Day brings this all back for me. It is plenty of emotion.
And then there is the life of Geogina, the here and now. Obviously A is part of that, yet resolved. She is on my mind knowing what she is going through and the near future. Geogina has spent 5-months in Hamilton, and as yet really has no friends. The most significant people is the support team and co-workers/ employers. My main long term support is my sister and a few friends at distance. It really is a lonely time. I have spent much of the last 10yrs lonely or in the company of people that are mostly untrustworthy.
I have been isolated a very long time, and isolation is not good for me, that I know for sure. It is something else I have in common with parrots, the need for intellectual and social stimulation. Without this we go a bit crazy.
Right now I feel that starting, and each day is a battle to stay on my perch. Thats why you see me doing many little projects, it is the intellectual stimulation.
Yet right now I need social stimulation. I mean interaction in a positive way with other human beings, especially women. There are reasons for this, becoming a woman as I have, I wish to associate with women, others of my identity, to be accepted, to be part of womanhood, and to learn (even though I have been studying women all my life).
Also, I am a lesbian, so I naturally have an attraction for other women. For some this may be conflicting ideas, and there is a bias, even in the rainbow community to trans-lesbians.
If you wonder why I talk about all this stuff a recent study shows that trans-people have much better and more open communication skills on average than the rest of the rainbow community. The reasoning was due to the stigma and bias and difficulty trans people experience so they are much quicker and open to getting down to details, communicating needs and wants.
This maybe so, yet I just don't have enough life left to waffle and BS when it comes to forming connections. Some find this a bit brutal, sharp, or worse. Thats me getting to the point, fast.
Today I put out a request for company over a coffee or drink through our local rainbow women's site. It only took 3hrs to be moderated and that killed the afternoon. The evening no better. I got one negative reply. Disappointing, thats hope for you. It is a bit of a let down.
I went out mid-afternoon, picked up some medication, walked central town looking for something to spoil myself, and felt uninspired. Most of these things really are enjoyed with company. I want social connection and experience, not things.
And thats all I wanted today, some company for a bit, to share something, mark Geoginas first Valentines Day.
And I failed.
Maybe next year, or the year after.
Aroha world, even if you had none for me today.
Geogina
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