Losing It, Recognizing The Stress Levels

Friday was an interesting day to look at myself. More so than most days because I displayed an emotional reaction or behavior I have not seen in myself for a really long time, years even. However, that was not my whole day, there were happier moments.

It started with a 2-hour sleep in, intentionally. My stuffed toy tiger was very supportive on that choice. I have conversations with it regularly, and as it is really my daughters, the conversations are with her. This may seem strange when I have not spoken to my daughter for 10-years, just a few e-mails last month. Still, talking to the tiger feels good and allows me to process stuff.

It was a slow breakfast, with time to get the blog finished. This can take time, distractions and feelings mostly. It would be better if I turned off certain apps and the fridge was further away. My first world problems. The blog was particularly moving yesterday, so it was mostly that slowing me down.

I had a 12pm meeting with KW at my place, so having posted the blog at 11:10am it was full speed to shower, then dress and beauty regime, which I am getting quicker with. It was all for naught because just after 12pm KW rang, she had just got out of one meeting, and had another at 1pm. We agreed on 2:30pm because that gave me time to do stuff.

Stuff meant going out, first to work to say goodbye to our chef that I have become very friendly with. I will miss her, her calmness in the kitchen, and our music discussions.

I also stopped for an iced coffee and slice, both are very good as my coworker Kelly was making the drink. I sat down and enjoyed the atmosphere of the very busy café which the team had under control. It really is a nice space to be, interesting.

Next was a stop at the supermarket, where I spent a lot less than normal, and walked about playing Rammstein's song Deutschland loudly. I was perhaps in a mood, though I did not feel it. A guy near me said "I love your choice of music". He looked a little Westy, so he was being genuine with the smile. I replied how I loved the video as well, to his agreement. 

Back at home I had barely unpacked when KW arrived, early. We talked through this last week and how it had been a big week with A being moved away, the death of the old ME, and the accumulation of stuff from the last 6-weeks or so. She decided that I would not be in the best state to fill in some long forms on my progress, which I decided I was, so it was fill them in. Having to give reasons for the ratings attached to questions was the most taxing, especially around A.

Filled out she left, and I prepared for my next task. This was to pickup a game I had purchased on-line locally and privately. The rain was heavy, and I took time to put fuel in the car along the way. And then it happened.

I was using Google Maps as this destination was really in a place I had not been to before. The rain and traffic were really heavy, and Google Maps started to play up, and it was beyond crazy. And thats when I started to lose it, raging at the phone/software, screaming abuse at it, and so close to throwing it out the window. I was nuts. My cup of tolerance had overflowed. The calm part of my brain had to be recalled from holiday in my big toe. I raged for 20-mins or so.

Calmed down I managed to find my destination, picked up the game, and then travel to The Base to take back my broken chair. They had no replacement, so they gave me a discounted model up for a few dollars. Not my ideal, though it did come assembled. I also shopped over the other side at K-Mart, then Countdown, getting a few more things.

Home  just before 8pm I made a special dinner of Tortellini with a tomato and fresh basil and feta sauce. Yummmm!

Next I spent time chatting to a new friend L who lives in the Manawatu. We had a great chat as always, and she always has complimentary words and encouragement. We maybe able to meet near the end of next month. She loved my new dress and makeup. It made me feel great.

The rest of the evening was not very late. I had a shower, and slipped into bed on a night was colder than normal. Lucky I am part radioactive, I generate heat, and soon I was warm and sleepy.

All evening I had been considering my rage outburst. So not like me overall. I felt it was a reflection of recent stress factors, frustrations, and tiredness. I needed a quiet weekend.

Aroha all, especially those effected by the rain again.

Geogina.