Feeling Empty

I never made it to bed until 5am, reawaking at 6am, then slipping out until 7:30am. I had fallen asleep on the couch, no idea what time, after 11pm I vaguely remember. The night had been hot and unpleasant. I was still tired. No, I was exhausted.

To be honest I remember hangovers being better than this.

I did enough about the house to make the kitchen messier, and spent most of the day resting, napping, over thinking, and trying to process emotions. I was feeling overwhelmed at times with the state of my body and mind.

I had a drinks and dinner outing with some local normal women, the ones who I had tried connecting to over walks around the lake, and I simply decided not to go. I didn't need more rejection.

It is rejection I still feel most days. I am surrounded by it everywhere except work. My connection to society is tenuous at best. If I disappeared who would notice? I am being serious. The neighbors might, and they would probably be grateful not hearing Rammstein at the volumes I play it lately.

The people I feel closest to are paid professionals, and that really prevents anything. Lately I don't even feel connected to my supports. Who but one or two keep in touch? It feels like I do all the work reaching out.

And that is what happens in the community, I make the effort and people take or ignore.

And yet I would not change who I am or how I live. I can look at myself in the eye at the end of each day, knowing I did right or good, or have battled through and survived a bit stronger and wiser. Living from an open heart leaves me vulnerable to emotional experience. Good and bad.

Really there is no good or bad, it is how we wish to interpret it. There are parts of my life that seem to never meet expectations, even when I set the bar so low. At times I think that I need to accept a socially isolated or lonely life, become invisible to society. Take the bar away and have no needs or wants that cannot be satisfied from within.

Sad really. The thing is it becomes more a viable option.

I went to bed an hour earlier, slept in an hour longer. I felt like shit still. The soft toy tiger on my bed had more life. I staggered about, got somethings done, slowly. I rested, felt emotional, over ate, rested, napped.

I had two bookings today, at the same place and one followed the other. There was the local queer woman's book group, then the social meeting, both held at the Nirvara Lounge. I decided I should get out and keep trying.

I made an effort with my looks, and I went in with a neutral attitude, the best I could muster, and silly me I had some small hopes.

Not sure the book club will suit me, none of the books grabbed my attention really. My kind of reading material is different. There is only two books that have made me really cry, "Catch-22" and "The English Patient", both more profound and deep than what I heard suggested. I don't need rainbow books to norm me, I live that life already, and I don't need affirming.

Actually I want to get rid of the word 'queer', because it is not a word I identify with. I am normal, it is other people trying to label people like myself to make us seem different. And the rainbow community wants to own it, while I want to normalize who we are. Different is not abnormal, or queer.

The next event I probably had some hopes for, which breaks my rules of having hope. I talked very briefly with two older people, the barman, and the guy who made the lovely baked cheese cakes. I was shutout of anything else, abandoned when those left. The gay men stuck with themselves, the CIS lesbians with themselves. 

And there I was on the couch, eventually reduced to looking at my phone looking for a message from anybody. There was none. I wanted mostly to dance with somebody, anybody. A talk even. And to be honest, a few more gin & tonics.

I decided tat after a hour of being on my own in a nightclub I would go home. Those G&T's were looking to tempting if I stayed. No point in reinforcing failure.

Tonight I have tried to process this all, spilt some tears, and played really loud music loud. Tomorrow I have nothing arranged, nobody to see, nobody to call, and to much to do that I can't decide. I have lots to share, lots to give, and nobody who wants it. And I don't feel any coming my way either.

Such is my life right now.

Aroha to you all,

Geogina