A Death, A Wake, and A New Dress

I should have known that I was expecting to achieve to much on Wednesday, it was ambitious, and failed to account for other people, or other people in other peoples lives. I am sure a butterflies wings flapping amplified through successive events until it impacted my life. And I suppose that impact had an exaggerated effect on somebody else. Life can be like that.

I was still having thoughts for A, I worried about her.

The main activity of the day was to kill a man at Hamilton Gardens. That man was the former ME, the male entity and identity that got Geogina to this point. Everything else was a bonus. Now was the time, I did not want to delay further.

I had written a letter to my former self, and another to my third wife. They were letters of gratitude and thanks, sorrow and appreciation. They were burned separately and put in separate envelopes. They would be the center of a little ceremony I had planned.

I had hoped to have two supports from the organisation that supports me. One was called out on a mission. That just left B, and that was good. KW would have been good to, it is hard to monopolise and organisation.

 

 

 

B was an hour late due to other people, so I knew my day would not achieve all I had planned. On our trip to the Gardens I quizzed her on the fate of A, and she did not give much away. I was left to conclude that the outcome was better than the worst and not as ideal as A may have wanted. Encouraging. I had almost travelled to see the decision. I still care, and not knowing was like having a page missing from the end of the book.

I put this aside when we reached the Gardens. It felt a long walk to the Japanese Garden pool. I filled B in on the significance of the location, and a little of how I was feeling.

The building was busy, so I settled myself with a few photos and some contemplation. It is a special place. I find myself wandering down memories, some good, some bad. All three wives have been herewith me, and I know A has been here. For me it is a place of peace, harmony, and a more natural garden, even though it is highly structured and organised. Water always draws me, the stillness or ripples, reflections, sediment or view of the bottom, the life that thrives in/on/around/over that depends on the water. It is a beautiful and  complete ecosystem, and it is how I would like to live, to be in any moment.

I decided to just do it, despite the people coming and going. I pulled the envelope for Wife #3, and I acknowledged her place here, how I felt about her, and an apology for what I had done. Tears came to my eyes. Then I let the ashes fall into and onto the water, and I felt some relief and release. I was at peace with the ghost of her in this space, her ghost could stay or go, I could share this space.

Then came the ashes for my former self. More tears appeared, and I paid tribute to the man who managed to get me to this point, to protect me, to nurture and raise me. He was not all good or great, sometimes very bad, with more issues than I care to count. He lived a lie, and hurt many people with these. He gave me the opportunity to live by sacrificing himself.

The ashes slipped into the water. His shadow within me faded. I was grateful, sad, happy, and more. It required some time to contemplate the moment. I talked with B about the moment, feelings and thoughts. I was at peace within.

 

We went for a small walk down by the river, there was a beauty to the place.

Next we went and picked some grapes at another facility, and they were yum. I got lots, and I ate most that day.

A quick lunch at home, and then JL arrived and we went out to have a private wake. A nice pizza plus drinks I shouted, it was my wake. WE ate, drank, talked over it all, recent events and such. I felt lightened. The Bombay Sapphire gin was nice, it took me happily back to Wife#3 for just a moment, and then the memory became mine.

A walk through some op-shops where I found a nice necklace. Then it was home.

I needed a rest, yet time was against me. I got to the Doctor's, found out I am still losing weight, another 3kg. This despite the over eating and high fat and sugar diet I am on due to anxiety. Then it was off to pickup a supermarket bag of medication which was rather intimidating.

Lastly I went to Queer & Crafty at the Rainbow Hub. I just wanted a break and to catchup with a few people.

At home I cooked dinner, then blobbed out. I was overwhelmed with the emotional drain of the day. I wanted another gin, and settled for hot chocolate, falling asleep on the couch to music that was loud. Bed was several stumbles away, and with it the company of a stuffed toy tiger and the comfort of 500tc sheets. Death is exhausting.

Thursday morning I found I had really overslept, and I had work. Oh I love these days.... not. I prioritised and moved continuously, managing a full makeup even, and got to work a minute late through heavy traffic.

Work was great, though a struggle. Two quick coffees did not help much. I kept myself moving, doing what I could. Stopping for a few minutes would be hard to restart. It was a struggle, yet I made it. I love my job and workplace, even when I am struggling.

I went to the op-shop and found a dress I fell in love with instantly. Yes I got it.

 

 

 

At home I had a big lunch, then a rest after cleaning myself up. Then it was off to my course where I caught up with JL again. It was a very lively discussion, which maybe was me based. I had some reactive thoughts based on subject and others comments.

Back home, I blobbed out after dealing with a massive pile of dishes. A little YouTube and I was ready for an early night. The drain of yesterday was still affecting me.

Aroha all, look after yourselves and your community.

Geogina