Rebooting in 2023

I feel it is about time to restart my blog. I have had a break from it and allowed myself to experience life for a couple of weeks without over analyzing life daily. I have kept sort of log why Facebook page, which has included many of the highlights of the break along with pictures. The brake is you've done me good, and I have experienced a number of ups and downs, which is fairly typical for me as you all know if you've been following this blog. I shall take the opportunity with this first new entry into my blog for 2023 to reflect on a couple of events that have happened over this time, because there have been learnings, there has been realizations, and there have been steps forward, some of them very large.

I travelled from my home in Hamilton up to Whangarei to have Christmas dinner and a few days with her for the first time and I train years. This was obviously a very long time, and I would be doing it as a new person, the first sustained time spent with her in my new identity. I knew this would cause some issues, even though she accepts and supports me, it is still quite an adjustment for her, and an even bigger one for her husband and his mother. My trip up was by bus, and it went very well all things considered.

My sister met me off the bus and took me to a place where we had Gelato. it was a very cool and almost hip sort of place where you could buy coffee and cake, the star was the Gelato. Yum.

My sister lives in the countryside close to town, and I had never been there since they built the house there. This was new territory for me. It is a very nice place with a roomy section, and with gardens and fruit trees.

 Over my stay I was always the first up, continuing my routine of 6:00 AM start.  I would have breakfast out on the deck where I could enjoy a coffee, croissants and penny chocolate while listening to and watching all the birds.  Sometimes my sister's cat would join me. This was me taking time each morning just taking time to center myself and appreciate my life.

We went to the market, then did some shopping, and took time at a lovely cafe that was very busy. I saw nobody that I knew, which in its own way was a great relief.

I tried to help around the house a little, my sister it's hard sometimes to help. I think I accept help from people much easier than she does.

I also started work sorting through an old life and a pile of boxes in the shade.  Considering how much stuff I must have had this seemed very small amount.  What was interesting was the priorities people placed on what I should keep and what should be given away, It seems quite revealing looking back on it about the priorities people place uncertain things.

This was an area where we expected problems, finding things that might trigger emotional reactions within me. I was pretty sure that no matter what was in these boxes there would be some ghosts to confront. And I encountered those. And yes, the cumulative effect triggered responses several times. in the moment, especially that first moment, the triggering was quite dramatic. my sister was with me and in the discussion around things she revealed further information she thought I knew, which of course I didn’t, because very little has actually been told to me. I think people figured that the less I remembered the better, and if I had remembered some of it that was probably OK as long as I didn’t go digging up the past.

My reaction was quite simple, I needed a time out, I needed to cry it out, and I needed to try and let some things go.  the past can be very confronting when your jigsaw puzzle of it suddenly assembles a cluster of pieces that had been separated and now give you a slightly better picture.

I managed to find some treasures, some of which were surprising while others had been hoped for. I threw away and burned many photographs, keeping the ones that had meaning for significance. they were photo albums I kept, and several of my second wives’ childhood photo albums I saved, hoping to return them to her somehow.

In many ways dealing with all of these things what's the hardest part of my trip. I did not manage to finish every box, so on my next trip up I will have a few more to sort through.

We also went out at night to look at Christmas lights, some of which were truly spectacular. I had not done this for years and it made me feel like a very normal person, even reminding me of happy childhood moments doing similar.

I also picked up my new little car, which was as good as all had been said about it. it is a very simple functional vehicle, and it will suit most of my needs, which is really all one can ask. I love my little car, it gives me independence and freedom.

There was also Christmas Day and Christmas dinner. my sister had asked that I dress in something lower key then this beautiful summer dress I had planned. it might be too confronting for her husband and mother-in-law. There are times when I will compromise myself for others, even when I know I shouldn’t have to. I had a Plan B, my original choice, and it worked out.  I don’t think my sister had considered how such things might affect me, or how much of an effort I was prepared to put in just to help the day without causing incident.

I had decided to leave a day early, I could see that my sister was tired and needed a break. That morning we had a heavy discussion, and it was not a comfortable one. She felt I wasn’t considering the impacts of some of my decisions on her and her husband, and I had to let her know that they were things done as a matter of survival of which she would hopefully never have to experience. That I felt she did not appreciate what I had to go through daily, I did not raise an issue around Christmas Day to highlight my point.

The return trip was fantastic in my little car. traffic was heavy, hi could careless. I took time out off the road, found nice things to eat and drink, and caught up with my friend. May have slowed my trip down a lot, yet I was in no rush and just happy to be doing things and going places.

My eventual return home that evening was one of returning to my own nest, a place where I felt secure and comfortable. And yet here I was again back to a very quiet life.

That was the first week of my break. I shall post more later. It is good to be back.

 Aroha all,

 

Geogina