Progress and Pondering

Sunday morning started a little late, primarily because I had a bit of a sleep in for an hour. It felt good, and I know the body and the mind both needed it after Friday night. 

The tooth and the infection we're not giving me any problems. Yes, I could feel that all was not well in my mouth, it was however, so much better.

The birds didn't seem to be too put out by my late delivery of their breakfast. I had been listening to this song as it always brings me joy. Even the chitter chatter of the sparrows. Mostly I think I like the Tuis who can really make beautiful sounds.

My morning was going a little slow, and yet I felt a call to action. I did the blog, which seemed to take a lot longer then I wanted. Never mind, lots more to do today.

I took it upon myself to get stuck into working on my ‘tree’, which really needed a kickstart, so I gave it one. I worked on all the trunk components, and I added some more structural support. This made it far more

stable laterally.

Next was the shelves or branches, and that also seemed to take a little bit of time. In my mind I was already working on the next step, which will be putting a protective coat of polyurethane on all the components, which will be a fairly substantial job. However, I am now a lot closer toward the finish line, and that feels good.

I did also clean up my construction and gardening mess outside, which really was quite a mess. My plants are mostly recovering and starting to thrive, thanks to the little tonic they got. it really is quite a beautiful sight to look out your window at this garden hanging in the window, greenery sprouting lush foliage flowers with varying colours. It does look nice.

They also took a number of breaks to watch some YouTube documentaries, others I listen to as I worked. I did listen to some music, which was ironic that it was with ear defenders on  as I used the multi-tool to sand ‘tree’ components. Lucky my neighbor was away for the night.

I also managed to work on some digital art that had been

sitting neglected for some time. it is now almost finished. This also felt  good. I really felt like I was multitasking and making good progress.

I did a lot of reflecting as well. The main theme was again isolation, loneliness, and the desire to meet someone where things might get deeper. And I know I am crazy, however A kept coming to mind. I do still care for her, deeply it seems. She was never far from my mind all day.

I also reflected on my frustration with the local female community. I had been putting in effort, and I felt that it was not respected or returned. I wondered how many woman that I knew were having barbecues or social interactions right now, and I wondered what it would be like to have some of those, to feel included, to be part of something. And then I went back to just being frustrated with the local females.

In a chat with my neighbor and his partner I came to reflect that it had been 10 years since I was last in a real relationship, and 10 years since I have last been sexually involved with somebody. It's a very long time to not feel loved in that way, and to have none of those experiences, especially when now is the best part of your life.

I wanted to feel their attention, to be special to somebody, to date and be romantic. I want to go out socially with someone, do simple, normal things with them.  I wanted someone to dance with, go out to eat, walk at the gardens, or just chill out with at home, enjoying a good hug or cuddle, to feel caressed by somebody else’s touch.

Right now these things all seemed like impossible dreams. And as I write this tears are running down my face. In some ways, this is the hardest part of being a transwoman at my age. And this is affecting me more then I realized. Because right now I don’t just feel alone, I feel invisible or ignored, at times unwanted. This is what is depressing me. This is where I ache and hurt the most.

Productivity wise, Sunday was actually fairly good. It was the introspective look into my life that made Sunday difficult. And then there was that other issue I am pondering.

Aroha all,

Geogina