New Year, and More of the Same

 Although it was nice to be home, it was a return to a quiet life. Really quiet. For the first few days this wasn't really so bad, I had the car and that means I could go places if I wanted to, which was initially nothing more than some shopping trips and getting some pallets each trip out.

I did have some contact, primarily with B who came to check up on me. I could do with some much longer visits like this. I mean I’m doing OK, I just do better when I have a degree of socialization in my life.

I can’t say I was terribly productive, well, except for extending my vertical garden with a small splurge of cash, a little bit of work, and suddenly my garden filled my window. as things are growing rapidly, some starting to bloom, I regularly keep my net curtains open so that I may view the garden day and night. You find it very therapeutic.

It came the 30^th of December, and I had a social meeting with KW, where we would go to a local café and celebrate my daughter's 24th birthday in her absence. I have not seen her and almost 10 years. I have quietly started looking for trace signs of her on the Internet.

 

It was a hot day, so I dressed in the beautiful dress that I had not been able to wear at Christmas, put on makeup and a little jewellery, and enjoyed my little celebration of my daughter's birthday.

After we finished and left she was on my mind, and the thoughts lead to feelings and emotions that lingered in my subconscious mind.

New Year’s Eve came, and I had a feeling of being very alone again. I tried to connect with a few locals, yet nothing came of it. Not sure what was happening for a, who might be stuck at home by herself, I called her to see if she wanted some company that night. We may have split but I still intend to be a good friend, and I know a lot of what she is going through. Somehow in our conversation which was short via text and a short voice call, I became upset. without going back through things I am not sure why I was upset. The thing is I was upset, and it probably wasn’t just her, there were many things on my mind from my daughter and her birthday to feeling isolated.

However, as I have learned to joke, if only I could become more upset by A then I would become even more productive and focused. For me this meant I spent the hours through the middle of the night building a beautiful picture frame from pallet wood. The rest of my joke is that all the love I have for her that she is not getting it goes into what I create and make. And you know, I think it shows. I mean I created the coffee table when we broke up as a direct response to breaking up, and now I was creating this beautiful picture frame.

I think the lesson that I have learned to put into practice is that I can take things that upset me and put the energy that the frustrations and disappointments and all the other negative emotions, channelling them into something positive and beautiful that I can use. The whole creative process not only meets needs around creativity and expression, it allows me to process what has happened and take that negative energy and put into something physical that I love.

So far in 2023 I have arranged several board gaming afternoons with the local rainbow ladies’ group. Only two people have come both times, yet they have been good matches for me and starting to create a social life around gaming. I enjoy their company; I enjoy the gaming. And though I hope more will slowly join us, I appreciate that I have two regulars whose company I enjoy.

I have also started to reach out through local women’s groups on Facebook. the idea is to meet people, maybe over a coffee, and then a walk around the lake, which seems to be a very common why of meeting people. They have all been pleasant, and I would meet most of them again, yet I can tell rejection when I see it. Even so, I have kept trying, figuring one day I shall meet somebody who may want to be friends. Not all of them I think felt comfortable about being around a transwoman who was significantly larger than they are.  I will keep persisting, the way note that it is taking more effort each time, and that I have to challenge my thoughts about the possible outcomes.

I suppose really what I am after is acceptance from woman, that is not going to be possible with all of them. I will keep trying to demonstrate my most positive qualities without trying to cover up for the not-so-great ones.

Aroha to you all, I have one more posting to bring us up to date, hopefully tomorrow.

 

Geogina