Gratitude is the Attitude

As you might expect my Friday night/Saturday morning did not contain much in the way of sleep, yet it had lots in the way of pain. I did figure out which tooth was causing the problem, well, the biggest problem, and it was a small one. it had created a massive infection, and the pain nearly drove me nuts.

To me, dental pain is one of the worst pains there is, and because the nervous system has such a short journey to the brain due to proximity it can feel like the most intense and invasive pains. I have had migraines that last 3 ½ months which I would sooner have then dental pain like last night. I also have fibromyalgia, which unfortunately increases the effect of all pain due to oversensitivity. So it is very easy for me to be potentially overwhelmed by pain. And when you become overwhelmed by pain it is very easy to become depressed.

This has happened for me, again. Last night I was capable of doing anything, I just could not find the will and the motivation to want to.

So let us back it up, and talk about my dental trip. I have to say that I have never experienced such professionalism, respect, kindness, and care, with any dentist or dental team as I did with this one. This started right at the reception desk, and all the way through a very well performed extraction, impact through to paying the bill. If I need further emergency work I am going back there.

The relief started almost immediately, and as I had to go get a prescription for some antibiotics of a stronger type, I took the time to do some window shopping where I discovered a number of little things that I will be purchasing in the future. It was also a nice distraction.

I went home, figured out what I could have to eat and made some lunch. I checked my online presence, put out some laundry, and decided I needed a rest, which I did. I was so tired that I actually slept for almost 2 hours, a very nice nap.

However, on getting up I found that although I wanted to do things, I struggled to find the will and motivation. I could tell I was depressed, and I really was having trouble shaking it off. Take it away Taylor Swift.

So I bummed around a bit, processed some laundry, some YouTube, and made a very tasty macaroni cheese with ham off the bone, and down the lot of it. I had not made Mac and cheese in quite a while, mainly due to the effect that regular pasta it is not so good for diabetics. This time I used a special pasta which head a protein content of significance, and it cooked and tasted great.

To challenge the negative thoughts I’ve been having all day I tried to focus on the gratitude I have to the dental team and for the lack of pain I was now enjoying. it really helps when you can find something positive in your day that makes the biggest improvement and the quality of life. And because I was able to challenge those negative thoughts I was able to see something else positive, my vertical garden is recovering from its collapse. The plant food fertilizer that I had given them was immediately starting to pay off as many of the saddest looking plants we’re perking up and looking much more healthy.

So that was two positive things to think about, even if I could not motivate myself to really do anything. I also had to think of the positive response I was having to a comment I had made on a Facebook group, and that was reassuring. I had also posted some pictures on a transgender support site and I was also getting very positive responses there.

You look amazing!!!

You look stunning in black 

 love the necklace 

 Now don’t you look pretty. Welcome aboard. Well done

 

Again, I had to confront my negative thoughts, and I had to accept that my life was doing better than I had thought, and that perhaps today I just had to recognize that the effects of the tooth pain, lack of sleep, and the surgical side effects, were really responsible for how I was allowing myself to be depressed. I did not have to achieve anything today except getting through it.

There was however one thought that persisted, it was the side effects of the feeling of isolation and loneliness. I was wondering what it would be like to have a friend or friends locally, to be invited out or have someone accept my invites, to enjoy a BBQ or social event, to watch a movie together, or even just to share some coffee and dessert.

I have been here 4 1/2 months, actively trying to find my place in the community and develop a social network. The result has not been very encouraging. I kind of feel like this is now a longer term depression issue for me. I am also thinking about how it might be to start developing more intimate relationship with another woman.

And finally, I have this other issue which I mentioned the other day, trying to resolve a very personal part of my history, hopefully reconnecting in a positive way. It is a very difficult subject and due to its nature I won’t go into it in further detail, it would not be fair on the other person.

I was up a bit late last night, despite being very tired. I did the dishes and tidy the kitchen, before admitting I needed sleep. Getting into those beautiful new sheets when I am not having to focus on pain, was a really nice experience, and I was pleased that I had purchased these and how the use made me feel, special, that I loved myself.

And that really was my day. Aroha all, be grateful.

Geogina