Fatigue, Failure, Finished

Another 2-day entry, which seems slack of me, and thats being judgmental of myself, and a bit harsh. The reality was rather simple, I was wiped out by fatigue most of the day and part of the night. Simple lack of sleep, exhaustion, heat and my fibromyalgia.

So it was not much fun. It was a struggle that I declared lost by 9am, and crashed on the bed trying to sleep. The sleep was very erratic and unsettled, so I gained little benefit. My motivation was low, perhaps a touch of depression as well. I tried to work on the computer and that was a struggle as well. I crashed on the sofa and managed a little shuteye eventually.

On waking I pottered about some, then managed to motivate myself to shower, and get dressed up to go to the hardware store. I felt a bit more alive, and it was good being out of the flat. Trouble was I had to do lots of walking from one end of the very large store to the other to get the few items I wanted, so I started feeling fatigued again , so it was carefully home and another crash on the sofa.

As the heat started to drain from the day I felt partially restored. I decided to try out the new toys, mainly the glass cutter. I prepped by watching a video I had downloaded recently, and with confidence I did not deserve, I started cutting.

Well, it requires more practice. I made 3 or 4 cuts on a bottle, practicing the basic technique. I was failing, though the last two cuts showed some improvement. So next I tried to organize a little tea-light candle project, and I just could not get motivated to start.

So I made dinner, and then blobbed on the computer. Still unable to focus I kept falling asleep in the chair, then falling sideways until my head hit the wall and I woke.

Eventually I decided that I had two goals to achieve before bed. First was put in a planning approval application, which was very easy and quick. The second was finish a picture I had been working on lots lately. I was not going to bed until I finished it. And it had many details to work on. A second wind powered me through, and about 1am I finished, and went to bed.

Sleep was mixed, and I slept in, and I had work. So it was quite a rush having to turn on the afterburners first thing. I got to work just on time without speeding. 

Work was a strange day. It got busy early, no problem, felt good. The problem was a critique that I got because last Thursday I did not get one job done. I was also accused of socializing to much, either work and socialize or just work.

This got me a bit put out, which only one person noticed, so I explained to her, and she shook her head. The fact is I do lots of extra jobs because other workers in my position do not. They are part of the job, and they don't do them, they socialize, and they work slower. I seldom take a break because I am relied upon, and that is taking my dedication for granted.

You see the reason I socialize is simple, I work faster and harder. I work and chat, and I get more done. I was not going to argue, I took the hit, yet I won't take many more without pointing out the reality. And I think somebody was letting stress and other factors screw with their own judgement, and I happened to get it. The other person in the picture is not the problem, she is leaving. Had enough.

Well I was happy to leave work today. First time.

I had another meeting at1:30pm, and instead of getting ready I had a long chat with a social support worker which was looking for my neighbor. Not finding him I chatted with her and invited her in to see my work. She was amazed and impressed. I am doing better than her male clients. We agreed I should be involved in showing people pathways forward, after all, I have been through as much as many, and I have done the hard personal work, found ways, made changes, and now grow daily.

My next appointment HH arrived and I had the place still in a state. I caught her up to date on things, the last month, and she was a bit shocked by certain things, and really pleased with others. She also had some more costume bling for me, and I have a use for it all. One piece I will donate to A I think. Anyway, HH is now focusing on helping find a place to live.

It was tidy up time next, and what a state the place was in. The heat built up and I needed another rest. Yes, again on the couch. I rested until 6:30pm, when I got dinner ready, a simple meal.

I started work on another picture. I could not face glass cutting, or the tea-light project. I required more rest, and I know that straight after making this I shall go make the bed with new sheets, and slip into a world of sleep. I also have work in the afternoon and don't need to take an attitude to work. Peace and quiet, stress free, and maybe tomorrow night I will have juice in the tank to do something productive.

I still have some other things on my mind, people, places.

Aroha all,

Geogina.