Challenging Myself
It is a bit hard to describe the last two days adequately. There are reasons, and they are good ones. Part of that is because involves some drama of another person, and I am not going to talk about other peoples stuff. And even my part in these things will stay quiet a bit longer, there is work to do, some thinking, some long conversations about some deep and meaningfuls, and maybe some more thinking.
Yes, this is part of that stuff I have not been able to talk about recently because doing so here was not the right timing. Suffice to say it involves matters of the heart.
So that means this double entry will be shorter, and have little in the way of pictures.
Yesterday morning I was in good form. I was reasonably productive, mostly with art, which right now has energy, and I follow my energy. The art I have put up recently shows that I seem to have crossed a big barrier in my head. I can now draw some of the most difficult moments in my life, and express what I felt.
I can assure you up until recently I could not look into a painful past and recall it in a drawing, those memories hurt so much. Each time I tried stepping into those old experiences I would shut down, my brain saying to me, "Not ready for that Memory Geo".
It was recently that I made a brave decision to change a path my psychologist JA and I were starting to work through, about facing ghosts through a desensitization process until I am not triggered. The thing is though, I wanted to keep those same ghosts, welcome them into my space, and embrace them, acknowledge them, be friends with them.
These are after all ghosts of people and events of past, in places where some good things happened. Not all my past is so horrible so as to destroy the joy I also felt. This opened up many things in my head, and I can see how this is an extension or some other thinking I have done.
I can look at when I suffered gender dysphoria a couple of years ago. I was trying to destroy something, my body, because it had things a woman should not have, and lacked some other bits. By making friends with myself, seeing the beauty within, and learning to accept that I was essentially disfigured. The world has many people with damaged, mutilated, or malformed bodies, what made mine so special?
Simple, nothing. I became grateful for the body I have, and in so doing I learned to embrace all of me, love me. Instead of the frustration of having the wrong body I now love all my body, no anger or frustration. Acceptance. What makes me a woman is much more than my body. It is living the life that matters most.
We are told that men and women think differently. I can tell you that it is not fantasy, it is fact. When I went on hormone treatment I immediately noticed a change in how I started to see things, how I reacted to things, how I felt about things.
I dress and present myself as a woman, with very feminine leanings. Internally I feel a woman. The only thing is I have a deformity that reminds me that my body is not perfect. And that doesn't make me less of a woman. It really is not an issue.
When you think about it my body is near perfect. Near perfect is pretty amazing when you consider there are so many people with real body issues, or those who from birth or accident or other means have bodies that are not complete, lose mobility or functionality, or many other issues.
So I have learned to embrace the difficult, the challenging, the painful, and the ghosts. They are part of what makes me 'me'. I choose to embrace the good parts, make friends with the not so great parts and use them to remind me of why I am on the path I now am. I choose internal peace not civil war that boils over into a battle with the world.
I had the afternoon shift at work, and that was not really busy, not by my standards. A nice day.
And then came the moment I decided to do something that had been pulling at me, check on a friend. And that is where I can't go further just yet. Astute long term readers will read between the lines or figure it out. Some time is needed. I already have part of the expected feedback. More will come from certain parties.
That night there was a feeling of optimism about the place, the space between my ears. I was still productive, getting stuff sorted. When life feels more balanced it is better.
Next morning I had a planned visit to this friend, which became a minor emergency call. One crisis of sorts, only one Geo required. I am good in these situations. I keep calm, and just work through solving the problem. A deep chat followed.
I got some more feedback, as expected on this situation.
There was a meeting with M, again a good chat, supportive. The electrician came and fixed the stove.
And JL came where we discussed many things. She gets my situation, it is just part of who I am. Still thinks I am crazy to some degree, yet to be me it is a situation I am unlikely to run from.
My evening was productive and busy, made more difficult by my phone company being unable to sort out my account and reconnect me. So I got busy on other things, getting ready for a property inspection, and my trip away to see E from Thursday afternoon.
Life was busy, and when fatigue washed over me I went to bed early.
The next few days will be in part out of contact as I goon my trip. I shall have lots to talk about on Sunday.
Aroha all,
Geogina
Comments
Post a Comment