Big Achievements
OK, no judgment, I couldn’t last a week without doing a double episode. Never mind. It has been a very busy couple of days, and I have managed to cope. And there are things I have been dealing with which I have not discussed here yet which I will start to today.
So let’s start with the more mundane stuff, and yesterday. It
really wasn’t mundane once I got into the swing of what I was doing. I spent a
couple of hours polyurethaning components for my latest pallet wood project, “the
tree”. I am pleased I had so many components ready, I felt there was probably a
few extra bits that would help me choose the final components. It was good to
get it all done, and I could feel how much closer I now was to completing the
project. More on this in a little bit.
I was continuing to have some emotional issues during the
day, again around having social connection friendship, or something deeper. I
also still have I on my mind. Keeping my head focused on my project helped.
I also talked to JA about all this, my time over this
holiday period up to now, and how it was affecting me, how I had coped, and of
course there was this big other issue I shall talk about shortly. He pleased to
see me working through things, challenging negative thoughts, and persisting in
my efforts. It is good being able to talk through these issues in depth. And
sometimes like yesterday he has some clever ideas an interesting perspectives.
I actually think I have done really well over this holiday. Without having the weekly
downloads with him. I think it also says a lot about myself.
I took the opportunity while I was out to wear some
different earrings for the first time, much bigger ones. Sadly, I think I
forgot to take a photo.
I arrived home a little late from my shopping expedition,
had a little rest, a chat with my sister, cooked some pork crackle, I mean
lots, watched some YouTube, and thought about a message I was going to send in
the morning. I made a tasty late dinner of pork and prawn dumplings with a nice
sauce, stir fry veg and rice noodles.
And that’s when I realized that things were tighter then I
had planned. I still hadn’t settled on what I was going to do with the cakes,
so instead I decided to make some biscuits for myself while I thought it through.
I have not baked something I have made myself Like biscuits for almost 10
years. I had a recipe book, I had ingredients, and I set off with all the
confidence and happiness of someone who has done this regularly and enjoys it.
The first trays worth were great, the second tray had a slight accident and I
lost half the tray content.
So as I seem to do with many things that happen like this in
life, I laughed, I was grateful I still had 1 ½ trays of cooked biscuits, and
then I just cleaned up the mess. Once I would have got angry, upset, and cursed.
Those were the days of stress and depression. Now things like this don’t bother
me at all.
By now it was after midnight, and not the time to be
starting cakes, so I went to bed.
Now the thing that has been on my mind has been my daughter.
She was 24 on the 30th of December last year, two weeks ago. You may remember
the pictures. Well, in the middle of last week, against all odds, my Hail Mary
attempt to contact her through a disused page got a response. Firstly I was
shocked to get a response, just was not expecting it. Second was the response,
which did not sound like my daughter at all. It came across as if written by
somebody else on her behalf. It was very cautious. It did offer some hope, yet
I was plagued by doubt, and anxious as you can be.
I have briefly mentioned that this issue has been on my mind
without being specific about what it is, so now you know. I had sought thoughts
and advice from my support team, and they all advised caution, and a slow
considered response. They also said that this was a long game, and I agree. Rebuilding
any relationship with my daughter will take time. And here was a cautious
opportunity, and I had become suddenly scared.
So first thing this morning I typed up my response. Like often happens
when I am a bit anxious it got a bit longer than I planned. I can’t say I’ve
made a habit of writing lots of long things lately, well, there have been a
couple of musings to A and a couple of posts online in reply to
people situations.
I got on with my morning, working on my tree, and I managed
to get about the first half done, touch up some other pieces, and started to
feel quite good.
Then I noticed there was a reply from my daughter, who right
now will get her own code name, DD, Distant Daughter, because she has asked I
not use her real initials. I sent a copy to my sister while I looked through a
very long response. My first thought was if she is writing like me then maybe
this is my daughter. And she was quite firm that the last letter had been entirely
her own work, as was this one.
I have to acknowledge that she has grown up, and she’s
actually communicating better than I had imagined. And I had to ask what
happened? Was this a forced grow up caused by me 10 years ago?
Anyway, my sister and I talked about the response, and she
was trying to hold it together at work and not burst out crying. I on the other
hand was looking at this as a real opportunity to make things right, a do over,
a Mulligan in golf terms. My baby girl is no longer a teenage girl, and she
appears to have her own mind and way of communicating. It all still feels a bit
of a shock, and it has been on my mind all day. This is another opportunity
that has come my way for making all the right changes, and persevering with
making those changes even in the face of negativity. Like the rest of this life
2.0, I shall take with this opportunity with DD and I will not screw this up
again. She is giving me an opportunity, and she acknowledges and gives me the
benefit of doubt the these changes are true. She is giving me the opportunity
to live an even better life. And she accepts my change of gender.
I had work today, and I was in a happy mood. The day was
going well. Plus, any day at work has always been a good day there.
It had been a stinking hot day, so I got stuck into getting my tree fully assembled. There are a couple of tiny issues which I overcame without too much fuss. The dream in my head was coming to life. It has a practical side, and it is also an artistic statement, it is big, and you could probably hide an elephant behind it, almost.
I’ve then set about making some photo stands, which are really simple. they kind of reflect the simplicity of the whole design idea and the philosophy of how I have done things and why. The first few photos actually look great up there, the addition of a few books and photo albums, photos of a much younger DD, my third wife, and of more recently, me, has started to bring the tree to life. There is still a fair bit to do which will create more opportunity to put up more pictures.And I have plenty planned. All I can say is I love it, there is part of me in it. There is also a personal thing to add to it to say thanks for inspiring me to build. I am not sure yet where I’m going to put it, or how I am going to do it. It will go up there and it will credit the person who has driven some of that love going into this furniture and who once encouraged me on.
Again it is very late. Actually it has just turned early, and I have not made a cake, nor got this posted. So I shall end here, and I hope you all got through today’s struggles, found some happiness, and did the best you could.
Aroha all,
Geogina
Comments
Post a Comment